UnBooks:Lost Diary of John Walters

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The novel Lost Diary of John Walters is also available in paperback.

John Walters (1962-2002) was a little known adventurer.[1] He is well known for his brave attempt to 'Make the first funny edit on Uncyclopedia'[2], his fearless try at 'Playing a game of chess without falling asleep', and getting roundhouse kicked in the face by Chuck Norris. While these attempts of fame failed to catch him any kudos or women, his brave heart told him to continue. In 1993, he devised a cunning plan to get himself into the record books and girl's pants everywhere.[3]

Uncyclopedia uncovered this diary in 2006. It was a Wednesday. Around tea time. We only have a small excerpt of it due to smudging, ripping and digesting.

John Walters' diary. He was known for his strength and butchness.

Diary Entries[edit]

February 7th, 1993[edit]

My passion for flight and nature has given me courage to pursue the ultimate adventure. I decided today (0800 hours p.m., in the morning) that I should fly to France on an Elephant. 2nd class too.

I must go to the zoo first thing tomorrow & start training.

February 11th, 1993[edit]

Been to zoo and 'borrowed' an African Elephant. Brushed up on my French[4] and decided to stop and Kuala Lumpar to buy some pirated DVDs.

February 13th, 1993[edit]

My friends and family are saying that elephants cannot fly. Pah. Extensive research on my part has proven them wrong once and for all. My source, Walt Disney, is well trusted and extremely accurate.

As long as I keep the elephant's ears flapping, flight will be possible. Named elephant 'Dumbo'.

The zoo wall after John Walters helped the elephant escape.

February 23rd, 1993[edit]

Departure planned for tomorrow. I have already put my luggage in rear storage facility (much to Dumbo's distress) and have painted elephant red to get greater airspeed.

I've got a god feeling about this. Soon I will be the first person to truly fly on a Jumbo Jet!

February 24th, 2001[edit]

Swam to shore today. The airport musn't have heard our trumpet of distress as we jumped off the cliff. Will sue Walt Disney and discuss with the late Dumbo about my newest plans - to be the first man to fly overseas on a dead elephant. It surely cannot fail.


  1. Which is to say, he was a 5 foot tall adventurer known for being a short-arse.
  2. He failed. Couldn't you tell?
  3. Out of all the cunning plans ever devised, I'd say it was one of them. Yep, this one was cunning. As cunning as a fox with a degree from Oxford in Cunningness. In a nutshell, it was cunning. Even outside of a nutshell it kept its cunning. Cunning in the extreme. Or out of the extreme. It was an all-purpose cunning plan.
  4. He kept his French in the closet. He never told anyone about what he did with his French because his social status would plummet. Ironic actually, him being afraid of plummeting.