UnBooks:Diary of an Alcoholic
Hello, my name is David Hawking. I live in Jacksonville, Florida. I've been an alcoholic for twenty years, and it's been the best damn twenty years of my life. I'm making this here diary, which I bought for ten bucks at Walmart, to show the world life I see through my drunken eyes. Despite my alcoholic ways, I have a wonderful life. I have a loving wife, three great children, belong to the middle class, and I live in the United States of America. Hell yeah! So let's get this bitchass started!
So it's 9:00 at night, or some shit like that. I've been drinking some Mike's Hard Lemonade this morning, and DAMN that's some good shit. Though it's not as good as the stuff in Brazil, God bless that country! The beer they make in Germany is good too! But nothing is as good as Brazilian beer! I would move to Brazil if I had the money but I don't because the lottery likes to fuck me up the ass. Tragedy isn't it? I'm not poor or anything, I just desire to be rich. Richer than Bill Gates! Love that dude, but he's a fucking nerd! But I love the work he's done, but he's a fucking nerd! Life would be shit without Bill Gates, but he's a fucking nerd! Damn I'm drunk as shit, and it feels awesome! Yes!
Shit, I spilled my fucking beer! Damn it! Charles, give me another one, extra tall! What do you mean you're in the shower? No forget it, I'll get my own. I don't want to see your hairy cock bobbling up and down like a snake.....You come out of that shower and I'm going to stick my head up your ass and eat the meal you ate twenty minutes ago! Dickhead!
Sorry about that. By the way Charles is my son, and I love him the death, but he's fat as fuck. He's a nineteen year old boy who is filled up with lard, as if he swallowed a 40 gallon bucket of lard with a hose. And his ass smells like an donkey's ass! But he's my boy, and we like to fuck together and shit. No, not each other you dumbass. Shut up Charles, I'm doing a diary here! I don't care what it is, you can have a porcupine shoved up you're ass and I wouldn't give a elephant's midnight shit! And if you don't like that then suck your hairy disgusting balls!
Like I said, I love my son. Even though he's a fat fuck. Also, I have two daughters; seven year old Katy and seventeen year old Alex. They're the prettiest girls in the world, and if you disagree then I challenge you to a drinking/shitting contest.
Today, I've been walking around the block, and cussed out a bunch of hippies. I love the environment, but people need to take a shit and stop being so butt hurt about eating animals. God in His mighty wisdom put animals on this Earth to fill our bellies with their fucking delicious meat. Well, except dogs and cats because they're pets. We're suppose love and pet them and treat them as our friends! Everything else we eat, so fuck you hippies! Fuck you hard in the ass! Bitches! Shit, I need another drink! Mother fucker!
Speaking about the environment, for all those niggers who like to poach endangered animals, why don't you poach for the reason why your balls are so far up your ass you walk like a penguin with an ass hernia. And if you don't like it then go butt fuck yourself with Charles Darwin.
Anyways, so I walked in the laundry place this afternoon to wash my clothes after getting bird shit on them, and as I waited for my shit to wash, I needed to take a load out of my ass, but the fucking bathrooms were closed! So I used one of the washers instead. Unfortunately, it turns out it was being used by a short black guy with a bad temper. He got so mad that he looked more like a bite-size red airhead than a midget black man. Then I got annoyed and told him join the circus like all the other baby seals. He didn't like that at all and got very pissed. He got so mad that his little midget heart gave out. Then I realized something: I also needed to piss. And the funny part is as soon as that dude recovered he founded his midget mouth full of Mountain Don't. Everybody then started calling him midget piss mouth, hehehe. Oh shut up Charles, that totally happened! You weren't even there, so how could you know? Course I was drunk, but that doesn’t prove anything! Oh fuck you! Why don't make like a banana, and split yourself a new one! Bitch!
Jeez, kids can be a pain in the ass sometimes.
Fuck the Philippines! They can fill up my ass.
I just got done watching a marathon of Adventure Time, and what a waste of five hours of my life. I could be fucking people up their asses at the pool tables while watching the Yankees fuck themselves with their baseball bats. I only watch it because my son and his friend Daniel were watching it and I had to fix the damn toaster. Or was it the blender? No it's the microwave oven. Fuck, I don't even know, I get so drunk I really don't give a shit about the things I'm fixing....... Holy shit, what is that big ass thing? It looks like a giant rat with a shaved ass! I'mma get my gun and blow that fucker in his ass. Hey bitch, see you in hell! (gunshot) Die you bitch! (gunshot) Why the fuck won't you die? (gunshot) Do you like my balls? (gunshot) .......I think it's dead. But there's another one. Shit! (gunshot) Butt Monkey! (gunshot) Pigeon Cracker! (gunshot) Steve Ballmer! (gunshot) Anymore of you faggot asses wanting to fuck up my cereal. No? I didn't think so. Shit, I need some whiskey! Get myself even drunker, and I don't care if that's not even a word.
Now what was I talking about? Oh yeah, solicitors! The only solicitors that I would give a rat's ass about are Girl Scouts and flying Flamingos. I always like to eat Chocolate Mint Girl Scout Cookies while I drink my beer. But every time they come to my door, when I sober down a little it turns out I bought sixty boxes! Not that I'm complaining, that's enough to survive until the End of Times or some shit like that. But it would help if my son Charles and that dummy bear living in my backyard didn't eat so many. Another thing, Jehovah Witnesses. I don't care about them, because I respect other religions in my house except Scientologists or worshippers of squirrels. Though for some reason they don't stay very long. Probably due to the giant assroach that crawls outta my ass every Tuesday morning after I eat Coco Puffs and wine. And there's the business people who sell you shit. Never trust them! Last time I bought a vacuum from one, it went fucking rogue. It ate my kitchen, destroyed my car, and raped my pet pig Hilbert. Then it tried to take my daughter Alex's virginity until the Flying Monkeys saved the day by eating it's liver. So I don't trust any salesman unless he was at a store........ Or in my ass......... Whatever comes first.........damn that whiskey...... is kicking in. Now here comes the candy....... covered ponies that come whenever I....... get drunk on whiskey.........wha....NO! I don't want butterscotch flavored. Butterscotch taste like cow shit! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!!!!
7:00 pm....esh, shit I don't care! Drunks don't give a damn about the time! We care only about our drinks! Shit!
Anyways, it turns out that Daniel isn't Charles friend. It also turns out he wasn't even human. He was a mannequin that Charles had found in the garbage behind Kohls. That would explain why he was spending the night at my place for four dam weeks even though I told him to find a job and get some pussy. Pussy sounds good right now, but I can't have it until Wednesday. And it's Friday so shit! In the meantime, you guys ever heard of the bloop? It was that extremely loud noise that the U.S. National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration heard back in 1997, and nobody knew what made that noise, except me. People say it was either a big ass animal, ice carving in Antarctica, a bomb, a volcano, you know, shit like that. But it was neither of those things. It was actually me. Yeah I was swimming in the ocean and I led out the biggest fart known to man. True story. You don't believe me then go count your testicles, or lack of.
Oh, here is my daughter Katy. Would you like to say something Katy?
Katy Hi. I'm not allowed to drink alcohol until I turn twenty one.
That's right. Until then, there's root beer. Best soda in the mother fucker universe. Oh, look at the time. It's bedtime Katy.
Katy But daddy, there's a monster under my bed.
A monster? Holy shit! Don't worry princess, I'll take care of this faggot ass. Alright you stupid monster, my daughter wants to have a good night sleep, and she can't do that with a monster under her bed! Now you listen here, if you don't get out of that bed, I'm going under there, and I'm gonna put your head in my ass! And you won't like it when I put your head in my ass. Now get out of here before I go ape shit on you! Alright he's gone. And if he ever comes back, give me a holler and I will take care of it.
Katy Thanks daddy!
No problem princess. Yup, that's my daughter. Yeah, I'm good with children. I have the magic touch when it comes to children, and no I'm not a pedophile. Pedophiles are people who should have their dicks chopped off and have their assholes raped by rabid hyenas. It people like them that.....
Katy He's back!
He is? SHIT! Now I have to put his head in my ass! Fuck!
Twelve O' Clock
......so I love Miley Cyrus. If I weren't married, I would titty fuck her with my ass......... And then smell that beautiful rose....... then ride Thomas Jefferson's two story dick.........with my ass up my ass........bitch........zzzzzzzzzzzxzz.
It's 9:00 am in the morning, and I'm pissed like a wolverine who ate a bowl of bullshark shit. The reason is because this gayass yelled at me as I was walking my dog. He was so butt hurt because my dog loves to piss in his yard. He told me to control my dog, and I told him he should take a shit in his grandma's vagina. He didn't like that so he punched me in the fucking face. Then I got pissed so I knocked him down, pulled his trousers down, and shove a beer bottle up his horse-size ass. Then I begin twisting the bottle while singing the Star Spangled Banner. I think I made Uncle Sam proud that morning. Hehehehehehe.
My older daughter Alex is going to have her junior prom in a few days. Sweet girl, but she is expensive as fuck! I mean, I have to pay $600 dollars for a new hat that had some fucking diamonds on it, money which I could be saving for Brazil. And I had to pay for her damn dress, and you don't want to know how much that piece of shit cost. I was so shocked I had to dry clean my testicles. But she's my daughter, and I want her to be happy. So happy, that when people look at her happiness, they puke blood! And semen! You should always put your family's needs before your own, and those who don't get fucked by garden gnomes. From China! Shut up, Charles! They do too exist! I'm drunk, but I'm not stupid! You better shut your mouth before I fill it up with your ass! And your hairy balls! Oh hey Alex. Sorry about that. Charles was being a dumbass again. Yes, I'm doing a diary. Would you like to say anything dear?
Whoa whoa whoa! Geez Louis! What are you trying to do? Make people's faces, or asses, explode? Slow down some. You're making my brain rape itself.
Alex Well sor-ry. By the way, can I have $300 for a new pair of shoes.
Sure, here's $400. Just make sure they don't look like a panda's cock, like the last shit pair of shoes?
Alex Like, thank you daddy! (kiss)
Like I say, she's expensive as fuck, but that's why I love her. That, and the fact that everytime I see here face, it reminds me that unicorns are not here to enslave humanity and turn our livers into shampoo. Geez, I need vodka. I need to feel like a drunk Russian piece of shit right now.
I watched an entire marathon of Jersey Shore, and it was the best damn seven hours of my life. My favorite cast member is Jwoww because she reminds me of my wife. Both their looks and attitudes are so similar, it's like they're twins or some shit like that. And everytime I see her, I see Nyan Cats flying around eating Smurfs. And then they shit out rainbows. Amazing, isn't it? So anyways, as it turned out, it was the toaster that I fixed. Now I'm going to see if I can get some toast out of this shit...... (toaster explodes). OH SHIT!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK?!?! The bitch blew up in my hands. Piss! I knew I shouldn't have listened to that stupid leprechaun punk. Fuck me! Fuck me up the ass!
I'm sorry folks. It looks like people don't know how to make good toasters anymore. I should sue the toaster company's ass and get my money back and have them become a pack of hyenas' next Sunday after church lunch. And I got the lawyers for it too. They're the best lawyers in the United States. They are so professional that they will make you turn to ash in court, because they will burn you good. Like a volcano who's pissed off because he missed his afternoon dinner with Angelina Jolie, which would suck big time for anybody. A date with her comes once in a lifetime, just like mole-people taking a shit during the Twilight Zone
Time to get a little emotional
Let me tell you something; life's a bitch. You know what I'm saying? No matter how hard you try, life is always going to fuck you up the ass. And that's the reason why I drink, because it makes me not give a shit about how horrible or boring life can be. Whenever I become sober, I feel like shit, but whenever I'm drunk, I feel like I'm in heaven. I think alcohol just really has something magical about it. It makes me a better man. It makes life worth living.
It makes me not give a shit about the time I milked the cock of my uncle's horse Speedy for reproduction purposes.
Shit! Why did I tell you that? Why did I tell you that? WHY THE FUCK DID I FUCKING TELL YOU THAT!!!! Piss my ass! Look, that never happened. Everything else I've told you is true, but that never happened in my entire life. Shut up Charles, it did not! You know what? You can go to Snow White's castle and wait for Prince Charming to fuck you up your man tits! Bastard! Shit! I need some Bud Lite to calm my nerves, because I'm angry as a honey badger with a stick up its dick!
I have nothing productive to say today, so I'm just going to show a picture of my big fat hairy ass.
Beautiful, isn't it? The ladies love it. It's where the best shit comes from. The best shit you will ever see. It's better than hippo's shit, It's even better than the shit that comes out of Brad Pitt's ass. Though not as good as the shit of Bill Gates, best shitter in the world, but he's a fucking nerd!
Me and my wife Beth have planned to go out to eat tonight at P.F. Changs, then go to a club that sells all kinds of awesome alcohol from around the world, including Brazil. Love that country! Me and Beth have been alcoholics for some time. But unlike me, she doesn't get drunk as often as me. That's because she is the one who has to work and bring home the cash. Not that she minds, as she's a workaholic. She loves her job. Hell, she's the CEO of the company that she works at. And the best part is, here company makes alcohol, which is something that we both enjoy. And when the company has new products that they want to try, I'm there guy. My wife brings home the samples for me to taste to see if they're shit or damn delicious. And if I like it, they know it's good. I have magical taste buds that can tell if something is good or not. Being an alcoholic does payoff, doesn't it?
I'm not as drunk as I normally am, as you can tell, due to the fact I want to save all the drinking for tonight, where the party is at. I don't want to get drunk too soon or else I won't be able to enjoy the wonderful taste of alcohol and remember it the next day. Of course I had a few drinks today just to get me in the drunkard mood. And.... damn, those are some big bullet holes in the floor from where I was shooting those big ass rats. I really need to work on my aim before I blow my foot or testicles off. Oh whaddya know, here's my beautiful wife now. Huh, she looks upset.
Beth You wouldn't guess what I found in our yard this morning.
What would that be sweet heart?
Beth A giant pile of trash that our neighbor threw in our yard after I drove in his grass.
He did what? Ah, shit!
Beth I know. I tried going over there to kindly tell him to pick up his shit, and he threatened to slit my throat and told me to go back to the whore shop.
What a dickhead! Don't worry sweet heart, I'm gonna teach this guy a lesson. I guarantee you he will regret the day he dump his fucking crap in our shit.
Beth Oh thank you baby, you're so sweet. (kiss)
Can you believe this? My neighbor is such a cocksucker! But I'm gonna get him good. It's only a matter of time. And I need a drink. (opens a bottle of champagne) Mmmmmmmm that's some good shit. Luckily, I happen to plant some C4 underneath his pickup truck. Don't ask how I got that, I know a lot of people. You know, you should never give a crazy as hell alcoholic the detonator that would set of C4 explosives. This is why. (activates detonator).
HOT DAMN!!!! That was amazing! Haha, look at him pathetic asshole. He's crying like a little boy who lost his little Popsicle. Not so tough now are you buddy? Hehehe.
Beth David, did you blow up someone's car with C4 again?
Beth Was it that good-for-nothing neighbor's car?
Hehehe. I barely get in trouble for anything. Well, the cops may say otherwise, but was worth it. Of course they wouldn't believe a alcoholic was capable of doing this. That and the fact that I'm a master at covering up my schemes. I may be an alcoholic, but I more clever than you think.
Charles! Get in here. I need someone to wipe my ass. I ask you because my hands are full. Fuck you, I'm not putting my drinks down, just get in here! If I have to get out of this bathroom, I'm going to put my foot in your fat ass! Where the fuck did you go? Oh, you fat ass is so grounded! When I get done with you, you're going to wish you hadn't been born!
Shut up you stupid whore! Oh, why don't you go take a shit and shut the fuck up! I don't give a rhino's after-dinner shit, I'm not turning down my music, so go fuck yourself with George Clooney! Bitch!
That was my other neighbor. She's a fat cunt. She tells me what to do as if I gave a rat shit. The only people who are allowed to tell me what to do are my lovely wife, my mom, cops, God, Chuck Norris, and that White Rabbit from Alice in Wonderland. Everybody else can't tell me to do shit. Especially that fat cunt of a neighbor. There's nothing more annoying than a neighbor who has his or her head up their own ass. I rather deal with the werewolves under my shed than take crap from these pole smokers. And if they don't like it they can get on the starship Enterprise and travel to the moon and get brainwashed by mutant corn on the cobs because I really don't two dolphin shits about.......
Alex Like, Oh My Gosh, there's a burglar in the house.
Whaaaaaat? Holy shit! You mother fucker. Get the fuck out of here before I put your head up your ass. Wait, drop the things you stole first....... Oh, now I'm mad! (loads gun) Take this mother fucker! (gunshot) I'm gonna shoot you in the nuts! (gunshot) Do you like my balls? (three gunshots) Damn it, he got away! Shit! Charles, why the fuck didn't you set the alarm? You were too busy watching Adventure Tim..... Oh fuck you asshole! Fuck you and your worthless Adventshit Time! (goes out door) That's right, you better run mother fucker! You better sleep with one eye open, because when I find you, I'm going to put my cock up your ass then eat your liver while drinking smoothies at T.G.I. Fridays! Faggot ass. (goes back inside) Is everybody ok? Good, because I need some Samuel Smith’s Taddy Porter beer before I have a elephant attack on my heart. Stupid bastard stealing my shit. I hope he gets shipped off to North Korea and force to suck Kim Jong-un's fat cock all day while watching Barney all day. Shit!
Lesson to be learned here; get a guard dog, like a good ol' Rottweiler, or maybe a ice German Shepherd, or perhaps an awesome Fila Brasileiro. That way you can keep the dickheads as well as Naruto fantards out of your house and fucking your shit.
Well, this is the last page of my diary. It's not like I don't have anymore interesting things to say, it's just that's the limit on the diary that I bought. It only lets you write ten days of shit. Cheap ass I know. I don't have much to say except these food-for-thought sentences. Drink well, don't give a shit about what others say, and praise Brazil! That and don't eat the sticky stuff underneath the stairs. So until next time, I'm David Hawking, your average alcoholic, saying God bless and don't put your ass up your ass. Hahaha. So long friends!
Fuck, I don't even remember what I was going to say so fuck it! Fuck it hard! Bitch!