UnBooks:Daddy's New Wife - Philip
Daddy's New Wife - Philip is a 2008 book written by Elton John. It attempts to introduce homosexuality to kids at an early age, in a slightly more literate way than Teletubbies. It shows how kids are affected by divorce and react to the gay lifestyle, through the eyes of five year old Robbie. It was nominated for the Blue Peter Book Award but did not win due to its "adult themes", and because some parents find Elton John offensive, even gaudy. However it did win the Smarties Least Noticeable Product Placements Award.
Chapter 1: Suspicions Are Raised, And There Is A Shock At The End
Little Robbie was five years old. He was very scared and confused when his Mummy and Daddy started arguing. He didn't like the loud noises and banging on the table, so he hid in the toilet. He could still hear it though. "I didn't know it was a gay bar!" his Daddy was yelling. Robbie found somewhere else to hide - under a chair. But he could still hear it. "Lots of grown men like Disney films and stylist programmes!" his Daddy was saying now. Robbie moved again - this time to Daddy's book and video collection. Robbie practiced his reading on one of the boxes: "Hard on Harry Presents: Not Another Gay Porno" (the best of the rest!) he read. But he could still hear his them shouting! This time it was his Mummy. "I don't believe you. I know what you did! I know the truth, Nigel. You're gay."
Robbie didn't understand.
Chapter 2: A Completely Shocking Revelation Is Ignored
The next day, Robbie's Mummy came into see him while he was washing his underpants. With Ariel Extra-Strength Cool Gel White!! (The best of the rest!) "Daddy is going away," she said. "He's going to live with his, his friend, Philip." She started crying. Robbie ignored her. She was a wimp at the best of times.
Later, Robbie's Daddy came into see him, while he was having his second bath. This wasn't unusual, Robbie's Daddy liked to make sure Robbie didn't drown. "I'm sorry, hun. But there's something I've like, so totally got to tell you! Britney Spears is making a comeback! Isn't that like, really fab!?" Robbie didn't know who Britney Spears was. Then his Daddy said. "Oh and I'm a gay, you know, so rather than loving women, I totally love men instead. So this means I'm going away. But I'll still see you pumpkin." Robbie wasn't listening. He was making the rubber duck sink the ship.
Chapter 3: Where Robbie Decided His Parents Were Pushovers
Robbie was washing the windows in the new flat that his Mummy bought from the Real Estate Agents (the best of the rest!), when the doorbell rang. He ran to get it. It was a tall man. "Hello, Robbie, I'm Philip," said Philip. "Remember me?" Robbie did remember him, but he looked different with clothes on. "I'm hear to pick up your Daddy so we can go clubbing." His Daddy appeared behind him. Oddly, he kissed Philip on the lips. Robbie thought that was weird. He then kissed Robbie on teh forehead. "See you soon." he said, crying. Robbie decided both his parents were pushovers. He'd have to teach them how to be strong, yet clean, just like him. His Daddy and Philip went off.
Later, Robbie found his Mummy crying in her bedroom. He thought she must have hurt her head. So he gave her a box of paracetamol, to help. He was a very clever little boy.
Chapter 4: The Massive Climax In Which Very Little Happens
Robbie woke up the next morning, and bounded down to his Mummy and Daddy's room, to jump on their bed. Only Daddy was never in it now, it was usually a different man. But sometimes a man would stay two nights and then change. Mummy told him that the man was like The Doctor from Doctor Who and would change his face.
Today he wasn't there though and his Mummy was lying very still, with the empty box of paracetamol next to her. Robbie felt scared. So he hid under a chair. Then Daddy and Philip arrived. When Robbie let them in, and then showed them his Mummy, they both went pale, and started making phone calls. Soon a National Health Service Ambulance (the best of the rest!) came, and Mummy was taken away. Daddy went with her and so Robbie was left with Philip. "Hello Robbie, I'm Philip" said Philip. Robbie knew this. Then Philip started to explain about how him and Robbie's Daddy were getting married. Robbie thought this was weird. But then all adults were weird, and dirty. Would they never learn about having a second bath?
Chapter 5: Robbie Tries to be Like his Daddy
When his Mummy came out of hospital, she was a lot better, but she wouldn't speak to Daddy. Robbie didn't mind. Robbie went to school the next day, and saw his best friend, Mike. He decided to do what his Daddy and Philip did, and kissed him passionately on the lips. It was weird and Mike threw stones at him. Robbie quite enjoyed it though. Then, when he went to the Headmaster, Robbie kissed him too. When the secretary came in she phoned the police on her Samsung 5 Mega Bit Camera Phone (the best of the rest!).
When Robbie told his Daddy, he was pleased, and said that might explain all the cleaning, the hatred of sport and the obsession with pink. Robbie still didn't understand. Being clean was good and sports made your shoes dirty and that got mud in the house!
Chapter 6: Ten Years Later
Robbie was a big boy now but he was sad because his best friend was going out with a Girl. His Daddy was depressed too, because Philip had left him for a girl too. Robbie's Mummy was now in therapy. Then Robbie discovered his Daddy's video and book collection. Wow. That was some good stuff.
And remember kids: Homosexuality (the best of the rest!)