UnBooks:American History In Haikus

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The novel American History In Haikus is also available in paperback.

“I love this book! I learn so much American history from it!”

~ Oscar Wilde

“I love haiku! It tastes really good in sushi!”

~ Sarah Palin

“This, America, is your tax dollars at work.”

~ Barack Obama

The American History In Haikus is an award winning novel. It is a compilation of haikus written from across the centuries of America's existence and put into an extremely American-biased, Westernized and anglicized anthology of pure political and patriotic mayhem and foolishness. Its original compiler is unknown; however, since nobody really cares, it, like the dictionary, is left without one. The more prominent verses are listed in this annotated and abridged version; the full version may be bought at Costco, Amazon.com, and at McDonalds.

Section One: The Revolutionary War[edit]

We are in a war
I am pretty sure we'll lose
George Washington sucks

Footnote: Originally written by Benjamin Franklin. This first haiku was put on the black list due to its derogatory nature towards George Washington, our most gracious third Czar. However, after 1991, it was put back into print in its original text. The last line during the Cold War read "George will save us all"; however, this is now considered Blasphemy.

Holy crap; look now!
Somehow we're winning the war!
I call Rhode Island

Footnote: By an unknown author; however, this haiku went on to be Rhode Island's state poem. To them, this proves and legitimizes claims that Rhode Island is actually a state.

The Brits are losing
Can I actually lead an army?
I really want toast

Footnote: Written by George Washington upon staying in Valley Forge, and then edited by his friend and first Vice Czar, LeBron James. Surprise: the British are losing (again).

We have won the war!
(With French help; the irony.)
What should it be called?

Footnote: Written as well by George Washington. Obviously, he thought his plan through very well.

After Washington's victory haiku, there are no more manuscripts. However, jars from caves surrounding the Dead Sea have been uncovered that contain more haikus; however, these are from the British point of view (written at the time by Paul McCartney and Mel Gibson, two people alive at the time) and are considered heretical and apocryphal.

Section Twenty Eight: The Civil War[edit]

The South is now gone
And my top hat won't save me
Not Confederates!

Footnote: Written by Abraham Lincoln after the Confederate States of America was created. In this haiku, he hints to the intimate relationship he shared with his Top Hat, Matilda.

Slaves are the problem!
I must stop slavery now!
Where is Dennis Quaid!?

Footnote: Written as well by Lincoln. Also hinting to the plain fact that Dennis Quaid is never around when you need him

We just lost Texas
The other side is winning!
Robert E. Lee sucks

Footnote: Self-explanatory. Even a gerbil named Sarah Palin could understand.

We just won the war;
Textbooks will think I was good!
Theater time: let's go!

Footnote: Last haiku written by Abraham Lincoln before he was assassinated by Henry Ford at a car dealership.

The Civil War haikus are hailed as to-the-point. Every 7th grade history classroom (especially those in Illinois) have at least a copy of this section stowed away somewhere.

Section Thirty Six: World War II[edit]

Germany: again!
Why have they started again?
They lost both World Wars...

Footnote: Written by Winston Churchill. Due to his Clairvoyance, he was able to predict Germany would lose.

How are we losing!?
I planned everything perfect!
Oh well...Autobahn

Footnote: Written by Adolf Hitler. His only haiku to make it into compilation as well, due to it promoting the Autobahn, thereby promoting cars, which are obviously an American Invention.

In Soviet Russia:
War wages you!

Footnote: Written by Joseph Stalin. No one knows why this is included, however, Barnes and Noble, the book's publisher, released a statement saying how it proves that Stalin had nothing working properly in his mind.

Section Eleventy Seven: Modern America[edit]

The most commonly used section, this includes various excerpts from post-World War XII history.

Democrats are here!!
They're plotting to take me down!
I am not a crook.

Footnote: Written by Richard M. Nixon. There is always a sense of pro-right anti-leftist anti-Communism urgency in his writing. It is inspiring, to say the least.

Florida is mine!
Read it and weep, Democrats
Nuke'ular weapons

Footnote: Written by George W. Bush. The 3rd line includes a word Bush popularized and made up; to keep in touch with credibility (and the prying eyes of Big Brother), we have kept it in its original format