Truthful Vending GmbH
A standard everyday grayish building, Monday morning [1]
A lonely employee enters the building eyes lowered, all parched and miserable after a long weekend with his mates seeking a way to relieve that horrible headache that has been feeling like a group of Scottish bag-pipe players gliding all the way down the Scottish Highlands, playing with all their might, while each holding an 8-pound baby....but we're digressing from our discussion.
That sad, sad employee bumps his toe against some hard and metallic object, and while jumping around swearing, holding his toe and committing himself to the well known Native American dance of pain release.
While raising his eyes to the pesky metallic object he hurt his toe upon, he suddenly realizes something, and his world turns all shiny and blue.
It's a vending machine. For coffee.
Hot, delicious, frothy cappuccino.
So it says in clear red letters.
"Ah!" thinks the employee aloud, drawing some startled looks from a passing by female colleague, "Coffee! My troubles are all over!" And so he presses the shiny black coffee button, expecting his "Hot, delicious frothy double-glazed cappuccino".
The vending machines squeaks.
It burps.
It moans.
And some brown mush is excreted into a paper cup bearing the slogan; "Enjoy your hot delicious frothy double-glazed cappuccino".
He drinks up.
Alas, he spits everything all over the place, spraying himself and the female colleague (who just came around the corner holding an unidentified blob packed in shiny wrapping which proclaims "Enjoy your scrumptious fruit scone").
She doesn't look happy.
Not one bit.
She looks quite sick actually.
So much unhappiness, and it is all because of the vending machines.
This is where we come in.
Our Missions Statement
We at Truthful Vending GmbH wish to break the cycle of fantasy-based vending. We wish for you to receive our services based on these four principles:
- SEE our products for what they truly are. No more, no less. Usually - no more.
- TASTE the horrendous liquid crap with which we flood your veins, without needing to pretend you're consuming the nectar of the best Arabica and Jamaican Blue Mountain coffee. We serve you crap, you drink it. It's as simple as that.
- FEEL sick for consuming that abomination. However, FEEL great for not being lied to, you got the truth. Straight and simple. Straight into your face. Like a ton of bricks.
- SURVIVE your drinking experience as a nearly whole person.[2]
Our line of products
In order to satisfy the needs of our various customers, Truthful Vending has created three main lines of products. We'd like to nickname those lines as: "Poo for thought", "The Quench-o-Muck" and "Muck @ home".
Poo For Thought
Working late again? Got a sudden hunger? Too busy to get off your arse and go to lunch? No worries! With Truthful Vending's Poo For Thought™ one can never be too far from our assorted delights.
We serve the public with a variety delicacies, you can now get all your daily nutrition easily enough!
- Working out? Need the protein? press XB2 for gently-roasted rats.
- Tired from too many hours working the computer? press VD3 for a stimulating taste of chilled monkey.
- Got a hunger for something unorthodox? Perhaps have a wee bit of fun with your colleagues? press XX43 for carp. Eat it, or smack your mates' heads with it. We don't mind. We don't even care, for that matter.
Quench-o-Muck
This is the heart and soul of our business. Your thirst is our business. Your dry throat is our concern. Your lack of energy is our raison d'être[3]. And now, enjoy the lovely choices at your disposal. As always, we shall not try to limit you again to the fragile boundaries of truth, as our oh-so-smallish competitors tend to do.
Help yourself to hot-chocolate, frothy cappuccino, or sewage cleaning solution. Don't mind which button you press. They all taste the same, look the same, muck the same way. They will stream down your digestive system the same way, causing various degrees of acid burns. They will, however, quench your thirst. [4]. Customers should be aware of the variations in flavor that may arise due to the aging process of the machines' plumbing, and the presence of insects within the tube. [5]
Muck @ Home
New from your friends at the Truthful Vending Corp! Can't sleep without your daily dosage of our delicacies? [6][7][8][9][10][11] Getting your desires was never that simple! Just get up, walk over to the kitchen (Watch that corner. WATCH THAT CORNER! Oh never mind, massage your toe later on today) turn the machine put a muck capsule in it, press the button. Replace the fuse, try it again, and down it with grateful gulps. Have some sewage problems? Your sink is flooded? No worries! The greatest advantage of having a Muck @ Home is the double action ability of all our drinks. Either drink them, or use them to ease sewage blockage. We don't care[12]. Might open up some of your Chakras. On a permanent basis.
Footnotes
- ↑ Insert Law and Order dramatic Tum-Tum!™ here
- ↑ The above article is not guaranteed by Truthful Vending GmbH. All typical insurance policies are valid unless one of the following terms has been met:
- The drinker is a male, female, child, humanoid or any other form of carbon-based life
- The actual drinking action consists of pouring a liquid that has been manufactured by Truthful
- ↑ Please note that consumption may include but not limited to the following:
- Anxiety severe enough to necessitate clinical attention.
- Panic attacks obsessive-compulsive symptoms, or even phobic symptoms
- Organic mental disorders, such as panic disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, bipolar disorder, or even schizophrenia.
- ↑ Sometimes, on a permanent basis
- ↑ No worries, some extra protein for you!
- ↑ Traces of Novocaine may be found in various products.
- ↑ Traces of Codeine may be found in various products.
- ↑ Traces of Nicotine and tar may be found in various products
- ↑ Traces of any other addictive substances may be found in various or all products.
- ↑ Traces of allergenic substances may be found in various products.
- ↑ All of the above may account for your sudden will to down our muck.
- ↑ Seriously, we don't give a rat's ass
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