UnBooks:Employee Manual
Hello there, and welcome to the exciting world of being a McDonald's employee! By joining our dedicated staff, you're taking that all-important first step towards a great career in the food service industry! With such prestige on the line, its understandable that you might be a bit nervous about performing to your absolute best. Well fear not; this employee manual will teach you everything you need to know about giving it 110%!
Remember, at McDonald's, it's unwritten code: as long as it looks like a hamburger, they'll eat it! Oh, you dropped that nugget on the floor? So what! We're not telling the customer... are you???
Meet Our Customer
Think about the people you've seen in our fabulous McDonald's locations during your visits as a customer, prior to your gainful employment with our company. What are some of adjectives that come to mind? Fat? Americanized? Standardless? Perhaps. But these attributes are at the forefront; taking them at face value does our company very little. We need to get into our customer's grease-oozing brain. Just what do we know about them.. really?
We know a bit, because, despite popular belief, we do actually read those customer comment cards we have at the front of the store. We know they "love our food," we know they believe "burgers are way overpriced," and we know "fuck hell ass damn," all from customer comment cards. So, how does this contribute to your relations with them? We're glad you asked.
The most important thing to realize about the average McDonald's customer is that they're hungry. And though they may be irritable and grouchy pricks, their desire for our products is so great that they are very unlikely to abandon a purchase. Because of this fact, our staff have the luxury of being able to take their time, preparing food slowly-but-surely (sometimes). Mess up an order? Don't worry, they'll eat it! If enough time is spent preparing their meals, the intense longing for McNuggets will override their will to complain. And, as our food contains all-natural addictive substances, they'll keep coming back. Oh yes, they'll keep coming, and coming, and coming back for more.
Basic Jobs
As a valued member of the McDonald's team, you will be assigned one or more of the following tasks. Each carries its own set of responsibilities; peruse this list and think about what position would fit your particular skill set.
The Drive-thru Guy
As the operator of the hallowed McDonald's drive-thru, it's your job to take orders from our in-car customers. Remember to make lots of "kssshhhh"-y noises. Also, only grudgingly supply napkins, straws, and ketchup. If you are a male, make sure to hold the drive-thru line for prolonged periods of time while flirting with hot girls in their vehicles. If you are female, have a really hot voice in the little talk box thingy; your physical hideousness will shock and entertain our customers and ensure return business. Bonuses are also given if your speech is unreasonable and difficult to understand.
In-Restaurant Cashier
You have one of the more important, sometimes overwhelming task of taking orders and ringing people up. We know, sounds like rocket science right? Well, amongst our staff, it is certainly regarded as such. We save this position only for the most specialest of people, especially those with an IQ of 90 and above. Some customers may be particularly demanding (ie. "I asked for a burger, but I also would like a bun with it") and not all of our valued staff has the mental capacity for such conundrums. If you are a considering a cashier's position, please refer to your supervising manager for additional instruction. For all other employees, refer them to the Customer Care Representative [see below.]
Fry Cook
You make most of the food. The French fries and the patties are handled by you! Can you operate a microwave? If so, you might be qualified for this job!*
(*Please note that in recent years, McDonald's has introduced initiatives to introduce "healthy eating" to our menu. Though it isn't generally optioned by our customers, as a fry cook you may have to make more than just fries and burgers. To accommodate these rare "healthy eaters," we've added a salad setting to our microwaves.)
That One Guy who Seems to just Sit Around and Talk with Other Employees
This position is an essential facet of every McDonald's franchise. What you talk about is up to you, but please keep banter to topics unrelated to the service of our customers. Local sports and gossip about other employees are always safe bets. Also, while it is alright to infringe upon the action of in-store cashiers, stealing hot chicks from the drive-thru guy is generally discouraged. The little window just isn't big enough for competition.
Manager
In this position, you make sure all the employees are doing their jobs for 30 minutes, then spend the rest of the day in your office. Or at home. You also get to award Employee of the Month. Try using a dartboard, or a ouija board. Accept all bribes. As manager, customers may ask to speak to you. The proper way of greeting the customers is "I do not speak the English." Should the customer persist, notify a manager. Wait a second...
Assistant Manager
The assistant manager does actual managerial tasks while the manager is at home. They do things like award colorful pins, put up posters, check shipments, and makes sure Happy Meal toys are fun. The position earns less than managers, however.
Remember, if you're forced to help cook food with the other corporate slaves associates, then make sure to wipe your nose with the buns. We value our napkins customers.
Customer Care Representative/Automated Telematrix
This position does not exist in a literal sense. Luckily, customers don't know this. If they ask to speak to them, refer our loyal McBuyers to an 800 number of your choice. If they complain that you sent them to a phone sex line, give them the actual number: 1-800-662-639 (ext. 22737).
Once within our customer care Telematrix, our customer will be led through a virtual hedge maze of menus. Only the strongest and most crafty of our customers will speak to a human being (generally a woman named Shrij in our Calcutta support headquarters).
Our Lovable Icons
In order to really go the distance and win the palpitating hearts of our younger customers (or McYoung'ns), it is beneficial that you learn all of our lovable corporate mascots:
- Ronald McDonald - Our main icon. Wearing his ironic yellow jumpsuit, this kindly clown whisks children off their feet and helps them learn and play. He sometimes goes clubbing and also knows how to figure skate. His haunting visage is generally burned into the minds of infants within their first 4-8 months of life.
- Grimace - The fat purple marshmallow thing (pictured). Known for his cult popularity among asexuals.
- The Hamburglar - An escaped convict from Rikers Island. A "rubblephile". Acts as a multi-purpose villain, notorious for hamburglary. It must also be noted that he was infected with anal herpes during his incarceration, and as such should be avoided at all costs.
- Mac Tonight - A smooth, pimp-ass moon guy.
- Birdie - The bird one(duh...) Most notable for being an icon for fags.
- Mayor McCheese - A lovable village idiot who spends a majority of his life in a drug-induced haze wearing a oversized novelty cheeseburger on his head.
- Officer Big Mac - Mayor McCheeses' obvious illegitimate son. McCheese gave him a kush job in the department to keep his ex-mistress quiet.He is well known for his stereotypical Irish accent.
Safety in the Workplace
We want our customers and our employees to know just how safe working at McDonald's is. All of our Kenyan-made, fully automated kitchen equipment has been 100% certified by the Kenyan Kitchen Authority (a world leader in quality control). We only use the highest quality bleach to sanitize our trays, counters and cooking utensils. We change our fry grease bi-weekly, and dispose of the used grease in a way that does not involve massive structural fires. Convey these sentiments to all who inquire about minutia like health inspections and work-related injury (including fellow employees -- especially fellow employees).
Always make sure customers cannot see the food preparation area. This is for everyone's safety, and the last thing we need is more lawsuits. Make sure the coffee has a warning label on it, as it will most assuredly end up in an old woman's lap at least twice a week. Also, make sure employees stay out of the milkshake machine. Always put wet floor signs on the floor. Persist in doing this even if your store lacks a mop. To keep tabs on all employees, we supply with a headset, which can be used to listen to the Red Sox game if need be. Also, you can go home and play SOCOM with our headset.
Follow these steps and there is almost little chance of danger or bodily harm.
Closing Shop
So you just finished your first day at McDonald's! How was it? Too bad. But wait! Where are you going? You're not nearly done yet! You have to clean up the store. Grab a broom. Good, now put it down. Congratulations, you've just finished cleaning up! You can go home to your pathetic life again!
All issues with McDonald's policy should be taken up with our Customer Care Representative, who also doubles as our Employee Relations division.
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