Tidworth
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Tidworth is a blossoming town half-way between Salisbury and Andover; it is also conveniently placed as the only connection between the M3 and the A303, the only connection between Cornwall and civilisation. It's never really been known for anything; though they seem to believe they were once widely appreciated for their quaint charms, polo pitches and Army connections. Now, however, they are more widely hated for their connections to James Blunt.
History[edit]
Pre-Tidworth[edit]
Before Tidworth was born, the plot of earth it finds itself on was a village called Tedworth, named after the serial killer Ted Worth. The town was named after him once his body was uncovered in the midst of Salisbury Plain; the villagers were impressed with his courage of stepping onto the forbidden grounds that they decided to honour him with a town, and a house in his honour.
Apparently, his decapitated body is still on show in Tedworth House today.
Arrival of Tidworth[edit]
After several disputes with residents over whether the army was able to use Salisbury Plain, Tedworth was involved in an unfortunate atomic test gone wrong. There was one survivor, who hid in a lead-lined refrigerator. This survivor was quickly killed in a stabbing in Southampton; but in no way was this a conspiracy.
Once Tedworth was removed from all the maps; the army wasted no time in building the inconspicuous village of Tidworth. The General at the time insisted:
"Tidworth is in no way related to Tedworth; that's bullshit, much like Scientology"
They were so keen to get started that they did not wait for the radioactivity to fully clear. That is why there's such a high concentration of retarded chavs.
Pre-Tesco[edit]
Tidworth then became the home to almost all things wrong with the world: chavs, the army, lesbians and terrorists. Of course, for this reason the council decided that Tidworthians should have fuck-all to do with their time, apart from visiting the second hand furniture store, shopping in Londis, or getting pissed up at The Ram.
No one really complained about this, as the chavs had too much fun throwing rocks at one another on the bench; the lesbians found work in the Londis; the army got pissed up in The Ram; and the terrorists shot squaddies on their way out of The Ram.
Post-Tesco[edit]
This is when Tidworth inherited the dictator of all supermarkets, and officially made them home to everything wrong in the world. This period in Tidworth's history is a little sketchy, due to the TTA's (Tesco Terrorist Army) close affiliations with the author.
Population of Tidworth[edit]
The town of Tidworth is home to nearly 10,000 people; the majority of which are in some way connected to the army. This is because Tidworth is a Garrison town, which means unless you are some way military you will be shot.
Apart from the army, there are many stereotypes of Britain represented in Tescoworth. In fact, if you visit Tesco on a Sunday morning, you'll be sure to see the whole funny farm trying to batter each other with trolleys. (See Tidworth Gang Markings).
- 90% of Tidworth is, in fact, part of the Military. Approximately 0.9% are actually English, whilst the other 99.1% are either Welsh or Fijian.
- 5% of Tidworth belongs to Chavs. These tracky-wearing yobs are actually not athletic and wear enough bling to blind normal people.
- 2% of the population are fat knackers.
- 1% of Tidworthians are at the age of retirement or beyond. That is why the Shaw Trust is succeeding to the extent that they are considering expansion.
- 1% are Poles; making for pretty decorations along the high-street.
- 0.4% are retards still suffering from the after-effects of radiation poisoning.
- 0.3% is made up of the extended Chinese family who owns the local chippie.
- 0.2% are Greeks who own the Feta Chinese place and the Cafe.
- 0.1% are normal people, hiding in the sewers.
Famous people of Tidworth[edit]
Have you ever heard of James Blunt? You know, that guy who sings like someone's got a hold of his goolies with a monkey wrench? Oh for God's sake, he sings about Jesus's birth and a bloke named Jimmy. Yes, that fag. Well, he comes from Tidworth, and we're more than happy to declare it. In fact, beneath the "Now Entering" sign, it says "Home of James Blunt". It successfully keeps anyone with any sense out.
We're also where one of the Studd brothers were born. Fuck knows who they are, I just found it on Wikipedia
We're also a good place for Royal Correspondents to gather, as the family comes down here often to watch a bit of polo and shoulder-rub with the people. It was actually a Tidworthian that gave Harry the Nazi costume, you know.
Economy[edit]
Currency[edit]
Titsworth has it's own currency. It's exchange rate is 1000 Tidworts to the British penny; this means if you're successful in Tidworth, you're pretty much a hobo anywhere else. With current economic inflation, it costs 70,000 Tidworts to buy a loaf of bread, much like in Zimbabwe; but, as of yet, no political activists have come to save our sorry arses.
Exports[edit]
Tidworth's main export would be their armed forces. They can be put to use as targets for wannabe terrorists or Americans. They also have a high rate of chav exports to genetic testing, and to NASA, for the Moon Chav colonies. As of yet, we know of no breakthroughs from this research, but who cares? It gets them to piss off from the bench.
They are also looking into exporting Fijians and Polish people; they could be useful somehow.
Notable places of Tidworth[edit]
SPAR[edit]
The SPAR is one of the most significant buildings in Twatworth, as it started a new era in history. It is one of the only sources of income to the council, as it is a popular attraction to tourists for its every stereotype of "Britain under one roof". With such amazing attractions as:
- The doughnut that is THAT shade of pink.
- The Chav petting zoo (white lightening an extra 20p)
- Your Mom
- Pole dancing classes, with Marius Unpronouncablenameski
- Trolley Wars
- Reduced Isle
Tours daily at 9 am, 12 pm, 5 pm and 10 pm; with every visit get a free 'Sparsworth Experience' t-shirt.
TLC[edit]
A mass of chrome, steel, glass and radioactive waste, the Tidworth Leisure Centre was built to reduce the amount of fat chicks found in Tidworth. It has now become the site of the Tidworth prostitution ring, offering you Tender Loving Care, and any other fantasy you've got.
The Bench[edit]
This is the Bench of all Benches, right outside the abandoned police station next to SPAR. It is commonplace for the chavs to hang around here, as it is the chav mating ground. Here they will be found in full mating garb, with alcohol scabbed from Tesco, reproducing like rabbits. Walking past here will result in a stabbing. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Hilltop[edit]
This Chavitat is homed to all varieties of chav; in an environment that looks startlingly much like urban wasteland. But it's not; in fact, it is radioactive wasteland, full of broken bottles, spliffs and discarded bling. This vast expanse of ground is decorated with a half-pipe that the council thought would attract the skaters in. Unfortunately, the lesser Lacoste chavs are territorial.
The Tidworth Maseeve[edit]
The Tidworth Massive are, in fact, not as massive as their name suggests, but are rather a group of 20 chavs who are disillusioned enough to believe that Titsworth is a Ghetto. They are unlike the rest of chavs in Tidworth, as they have labelled themselves in an attempt to show their gangsta boi rootz.
Unlike the lesser Lacoste chav, these chavs are of the Nike and Burbery classes and have a distinguishing coat of white Lycra and trousers tucked into their socks. They also have an unusual mating call:
- Tesssscooo innneeet!
The Massive had a recording contract with song giants Bebo. However, after much backlash from the real gangstas from Andover, the Maseeve decided the rock'n'roll lifestyle was not for them and went into retirement.