Thunder Bay
Thunder Bay  The mighty Mount McKay that dominates the south side. Not pictured: Simpson Street. | |
|---|---|
| Location | Ontario, Canada |
| Population | Roughly 115,000 |
| Climate | Cold... |
| Founded | 1970, with the amalgamation of Port Arthur and Fort William |
“Keep on rockin' in the free world... except in Thunder Bay. I've been there once and only got the shakes from a cup of coffee.”
Thunder Bay is the largest city in Northwestern Ontario, Canada. The city is the result of the amalgamation of Port Arthur (now Thunder Bay North) and Fort William (now Thunder Bay South). The former has a fine view of Lake Superior, while the latter overlooks Simpson Street, spawn of prostitutes and motherland of drunks.
Thunder Bay is also known as the Elbow of Canada or The Mistake by the Lake. It is close to the equally obscure Kakabeka, Nipigon, and Ignace.
History[edit]
Pre-modern times[edit]
European settlement on Thunder Bay began with two French fur trading posts whose residents executed beavers and made hats for people. These trading posts were abandoned shortly after their founding, likely due to the cold climate and invading Sasquatch and racist slurs from the beavers.
In the early 1800s, Fort William was established by the North West Company, a modern-day Walmart. The founder of Fort William, Martin "Grumpy M" Keska, regretted founding the fort until the day he died. The fort continued to grow, with many Europeans settling into the area, largely Finns due to the area having such a strong resemblance to dull Finland. In the mid-1800s a First Nation reservation was set up near the large Kaministiquia River for the local Ojibway. Also around this time Port Arthur was founded on Lake Superior. A war soon broke out between the two settlements due to Fort William jealous of Port Arthur having such a scenic landscape compared to Fort William's dense forest and unusual amount of rocks everywhere.
Early to mid 20th century[edit]
During the war of Fort William and Port Arthur, both sides began to accumulate large grain elevators, competing to see who could build the biggest. The grain traveled all across Canada, and the two settlements became known for their grain, nicknamed "old yellow". In the early to mid 1900s, settlement grew in the cities, and Fort William's Simpson Street and Frederica Street prospered with many retail outlets. The East End was also created during this time, built entirely by old, strong Ukraines who would inhabit the area for many years. Interestingly, the Great Depression did not greatly impact the two settlements, largely due to food, clothing, and shelter being cheap because nobody really wanted to live in the area other than the Ukraine, Finnish, and Italian. In the mid 1900s, the two settlements were booming, but the war still continued between the two. Around 1956, Port Arthur sent their worst residents and their homeless to Fort William, who took up residing on Simpson Street and Frederica Street. These people changed the two streets forever, with them becoming well known for their parties and bars.
Modern day[edit]
In 1970, the two settlements put their differences behind them and ended the war. They then merged and became known as Thunder Bay, with Fort William now referred to Thunder Bay South and Port Arthur now referred to Thunder Bay North.
The city leads Canada in the number of Tim Hortons per kilometre, each filled with beer-bellied 60-year-olds swilling from large coffee cups. Motorcycle and mud truck enthusiasts also convene there to discuss topics such as rainbows, unicorns, and dead fish. Family-run Dougall Media owns much of the city's businesses, including the four radio stations that only play classic rock and repeat songs up to 10 times a day.
The city includes a college, university, hospital, marina, and red-light district. Popular locations include Tim Hortons, the bars on Simpson Street, Silver City on Tuesday nights, and the Marina after dark.
Economy[edit]
Thunder Bay, despite being the largest city in Northwestern Ontario, is in the middle of nowhere and has no jobs. Residents have to commute at least eight hours daily, to either Winnipeg, Manitoba, or Sault Ste. Marie, Ontario. Much of the city is owned by the Big Five. Apart from the Mackenzie Brothers, other members of the Big Five are Tom Jones, Brunos Contracting, T&T Auto, and Norma Jean's Restaurant.
The forestry industry is the main employer, and Resolute Forest Products operates one of the largest mills in the world on the south side. while the rest of the population are city workers or work at the Thunder Bay Regional Health Sciences Centre ministering to all the old people in T-bay.
People[edit]
The people of Thunder Bay are a diverse and interesting bunch of drunks, hookers, but it can be agreed that most are bad drivers. They worship 80's rock music and wear mullets. Diet is varied and based on ethnic and redneck and blue-collar stereotypes. This primarily being McDonald's, and a lot of red meat. Ethnic groups have tried to inspire the locals, with fare such as pierogies and fish mojakka, but have had their respective cultures totally subsumed by the depredations of influences such and Bob and Doug Mackenzie and the Trailer Park Boys. Liquid refreshment consists primarily of coffee and alcohol 24/7.
People generally have no money, because they spent it all on gas-guzzling trucks and fishing boats. Driver quality is well under the median. Attributing this to old age is disproven by the fact that youngsters drive horribly too. Many people stop at green lights, just in case they are about to turn yellow. A specific road violation in which, while making a left-hand turn onto a double-laned road, the driver immediately pulls into the right lane instead of properly turning into the left lane and then, with blinker, merging into the right lane. This tricky maneuver is nationally known as "The Thunder Bay Turn".
The only safe place in Port Arthur is the Hoito, where people with THD (Tim Hortons Dependency) go. The safest place in the city is Simpson Street, where the most luxurious and well protected homes are owned by the Hustlers. They ingeniously mooch off THD sufferers in ways guarded by the Hustler's King.
The Great Coffee Conspiracy[edit]
Once there was a mythical land called "Robin's Donuts" which like Tim Hortons served many fine products like disformed donuts and the classic 'why the hell is there no filling in my turnover with sub-par coffee'. They had this awful habit of hiring monkeys, who do not make good coffee nor could they add something simple like 3 cream 3 sugar, you'd get too much or none at all. The great empire of Tim's invaded many years ago and secretly began to set up fort in strategic locations around the city, including beside or in front of the Robin's. Needless to say, the giant coffee empire steamrolled over the Robin.
Entertainment[edit]
Despite Thunder Bay being a hellish pit from which there is no escape, the town does manage to provide some rather lackluster entertainment. Every year the CLE comes to town, and the dirty & poor townies congregate with the even dirtier & poorer townspeople. The locals flock to the carnival in hopes that when they get on the poorly set up rides they'll fall off, breaking multiple bones in their bodies just so they can feel something other than soul-crushing sadness. Unfortunately, no one has ever died at the CLE, but some came pretty damn near close when that one crazy woman with the knife lost at ring toss a few years ago.
Besides the CLE, the neighboring community of Kakabeka also holds an annual street fair. The street fair isn't nearly as dirty or dangerous as the CLE so not as many people go.
Another popular form of entertainment in Thunder Bay is gnoming. When one goes gnoming, one gets really fucking wasted and steals gnomes from the lawns of the elderly. What you choose to do with the gnome afterwards is entirely up to you. Most people throw them off bridges, others keep them, while the majority of "Gnomers" take photos of themselves receiving head from the stolen gnome which they then post on the Gnoming in Thunder Bay Facebook Group.
Home to Lakehead University’s main campus, many academically inclined people who “think for themselves” flock to Thunder Bay every year only to be horrified to discover (upon arrival) that their airplane was really a time machine, bringing them back to the 1980s and an environment that could only be rivaled by South Africa and the Southern States. In spite of having Magnus Theatre, concerts at the auditorium, myriad outdoor activities and sports, and the ability to learn about Thunder Bay’s rich history and cultural diversity at their disposal, “townies” organize their lives around whichever bar has cheap drinks on whichever night of the week, engage in riveting debates over why Safeway cannot make Persians as well as the Persian Man, and demonstrate why there is no fear of a Thunder Bay resident becoming a Nobel Peace Prize Laureate in the near future. Promulgating hate and racism is only cool and tolerated by the authorities in the missing link that is Thunder Bay.
SOCIAL SCENE
It is dangerous to jest at the T-Bay man. The pen is not mightier than the sword in Thunder Bay. The T-Bay man looks dimly at people who cannot even shovel a few centimeters of snowfall off their driveway, or who believe they can just call in the Army to help. The self-sufficient, outdoorsy, heavy-drinking, strong-limbed, heart-like-an-OX Thunder Bayite has little empathy towards the Montessori schooled Toronto weakling, still-on-the-teat types. Times like these can lead to a severe beating of the weaklimbed Torontonian with little effort but an "I'll learn ya!" type attitude from the T-bayer.
The younger girls in town consist of cheap, skantily clad skanks. The guys: ballcap or toque wearing, hockey-loving neanderthals. A young woman's sole purpose in these bars is a self affirmation to be pregnant. The guys are "highshool was it, hockey tried it, liked it, hoped for the NHL, couldn't cut it" types. These ballcap-wearing males are the ones that will get these same girls pregnant. IQ across the board is low. Boozing and broads, and banging the broads, in that order usually take precedent over higher "edumacation" and "fancy booklearnin" of the Torontonians.
But sadly for most the resultant union of these two types with an obvious genetically proven low IQ will in turn produce children that have little chance themselves to rise above the muck. These rotund McDonalds/KFC stuffed kids are a "rolly-poley" type of offspring that will have a better chance rolling downhill, then rising up on any ladder of life.
As luck would have it they too will aspire to a "bar star" lifestyle in the Thunder Bay bars, a full circle of fate that God cannot not sunder.
As life goes on and if things get worse, any of these same people can be seen as the older group in the bar. Failed nuptials have brought these once proud, always stupid, fattened cougars and balding men back to the place that spawned them. Where their best days were had, hoping to re-grasp a forgotten youth. The spring of yesterday full of promise, are now the bitter taste of the fading fall of their collective lives. Aging, they hope to regain some semblance of their former selves through the call of the bottle. Booze, Cigarettes and Cialis, along with the resultant sloppy one-night-stands become only a temporary substitute. Hopping from bed to bed with the frequency of a cheap ham radio, is sadly no replacement for real happiness for people facing the bitter pill of old age.
Businesses and Services[edit]
Some main businesses in Thunder Bay are obviously Tim Horton's which may have very well broken the record for most locations per population then anywhere else. "Tims", as it is often called infiltrated the countless Robin's Donuts coffee houses that pre-existed in the area. The caffeine addiction that Robin's had was eclipsed by Tim Hortons. Offering better service,a rumour of cocaine and an insidious roll up the rim campaign, Robin's was out sold and outwitted. The average Thunder Bay citizen consumes a liter or more a Tim Horton's coffee a day and again the coffee is rumored to contain crack.
The Battery Operated Turtle Neck Sweater One of Thunder Bays less known but highly sucessfull inventions is the Battery Operated Turtle Neck Sweater or "BOTS". Developed specifically to combat the inclement cold weather of the north, this sweater now modernized, is a must for hardcore outdoor enthusiasts, tradesmen, and more recently the Canadian Armed Forces. It is a true game changer when it comes to living in the cold north. Original versions powered by thermal sources, such as wood and coal, were proven to be bulky, heavy and very dangerous. Many test pilots such as the famous Penti Parjamaki,and later Liugi Collosimo were lost. It is rumoured it took 4 days to put out the conflaguration that engulfed Penti in his wood powered sweater at the Dog Lake Proving Grounds. Allegations of heavy vodka use at the time of testing by Mr Parjamaki were never substantiated. The resultant explosions and fire wiping out the Dog lake facility. In Mr. Collosimos case, at the Nolalu Test Station, olive oil provided the power. Testing went well when again a leak and a spark ( some say the a pasta induced flattulence) started a fire. Mr Collosimo probably would have survived but the Italian Firecrew doused him with red wine (having forgotten any water), drowning the valliant Collosimo, some consolation is that they say he died with a smile on his face. Sacrifices like these were made by many ethnic heros, not only Finn or Italian but Ukranian, French and English peoples. Working through the bugs and sticking through the hard times it was a multicultural success that experts say can never be duplicated, and if so, only in Thunder Bay. It wasnt until Decemeber 1964 when a breakthrough in the form of a less bulky but still primitive lead acid battery version found much acceptance. Advent of the Ni-Cad and lithium battery have produced sweaters even more effective. Thunder Bayites so equipped have adopted the moniker of "Hotter-Longer" with pride. While local sucess was guaranteed, it was military issues in Canada's far north that proved the BOTS worth. Canada has recently been threatened by a change in Russian and world policy in resource rich but uninhabited north. Aggressive international posturing by the Great Bear of Mother Russia, and even long time ally the USA, has theatened Canada's claims to the Northwest Passage . This has prompted recent sweater testing by the Canadian Armed Forces. Testing that has indeed proven that the sweater allows our military men and woman to add much less insulative bulk to the combat kit, even in comparison to modern advanced textiles. Staying "Hotter-Longer" whilst being less encumbered, allows our soldiers to carry more kit in the field making a typical soldier 73% more effective then a Russian Spetnaz trooper. Its is postulated that a single battalion of BOTS wearing CAF forces armed with Guided muskets, Ukranian Rocketlawnchairs and a few cases of Blue and persians could withstand the onslaught of Ten battalions of Russians for two weeks.
Other business's such as Wal-Mart and the many stores of Intercity Mall attract the entire population, when they aren't drinking coffee or driving like morons. People of Thunder Bay enjoy buying video games, cars and clothes but have a deep desire for coffee all the same.
Thunder Bay has an abundance of services such as the Thunder Bay Regional Health Sciences Centre aka. The Body Factory which churns out dead people faster then Thunder Bay's population is moving away. This hospital cost over 15 trillion dollars and is rumored to be funded by Bill Gates to make bodies for him to eat (he is a cannibal).
There have been some major businesses that left to more prosperous locations such as Kakabeka Falls. One of these businesses is Larry's Bait which sells more dead fish than your mother on a Saturday night. Odena Super foods nearly went out of business because people in Thunder Bay have grown dependent on a Tim Horton's only diet and so they don't need real food. Fortunately, Kakabeka residents do not suffer from this problem, known as Tim Horton's Dependence, or THD. Kakabeka has been Tim Horton's free for over 80 years.
City Symbols[edit]
Thunder Bay's city symbols include a bunch of rocks that aren't located in the city, some more bigger rocks that aren't in the city but look kinda like a person, and a sexually ambiguous bald guy that entertains Americans.
- MtMkay
A "mountain" of great height if you didn't buy your Tims coffee to cure your hangover from drinking mouthwash the night before. This massive stone of 10s of meters high has been scaled by elderly people with nothing better to do, desperate thirsty loners who don't know what to do for third date, and wheelchair enthusiasts be like.
- Chocolate Moose
Created as the Official Mascot of the 1983 Canada Summer Games. This large brown Moose was an inspiration for the song "Chocolate Moose, pull Down Your pants and let it Hang Loose". Chocolate Moose fever filled the streets of Thunder Bay that summer prompting an undeniable large increase in the local birthrate 9 months later. Its effect was so thorough it is thought that it even effected then Mayor Walter Assef who full of "fever" actually touched the rear end of then and now Queen Elizabeth 2 at the opening of the Summer Games. Nationally and Internationally Royal lovers were outraged, but really no one in the actual City cared. In fact one alderman spun the whole episode as "good marketing ". Later when a chagrined and apologetic Assef was asked why he did the dastardly deed, he simply stated " they said "Queen" and I though she was Eddy Mercury! "and added under his voice, "I'd tap that!!"
- Giant Heart
In the early 90's in an attempt to resurrect the fever and passion of 1983 local marketing braintrusts hired by Fraser Dougall Media at CKPR radio and Television affected the moniker "We have a Giant Heart in Thunder Bay," an idea based on the overused geological landmark of the Sleeping Giant on the other side of Lake Superior. T-shirts with a big heart were promoted, as well as long series of commercials on local TV with a jingle to this effect. However, this produced no repeat of "Chocolate Moose fever" and in fact it elicited a strong dislike of the whole affair. The song was overplayed on the local TV and Radio feed by CKPR prompting longstanding and severe backlash.
Years later, the Giant heart would come back to haunt Thunder Bay. Medical studies found residents indeed had a "giant hearts". But sadly not in a good way. Statistically, residents have some of the worst incidence of Heart Disease in Ontario. This being no surprise considering the high fat- and cholesterol-laden diet, resulting in cardiomegaly (enlargement of the heart). While Thunder Bay residents rejected the Giant Heart Campaign, their own Myocardiums embraced the idea "whole heartedly".
- Further Symbolism
Later more marketing led to a "Thunder Bay, pleased to meet you" campaign. Again the spin was on by some of Thunder Bays brightest marketers. And again reality came back to twist this slogan into a more real and shabby truth. As the city has one the highest rates of violent crime in Canada, "Thunder Bay pleased to meet you" became, "Thunder Bay, pleased to beat you." This ill-defined campaign also died a quiet death, becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy as it too was chased out of town with sticks and clubs.