The Restaurant at the End of the Universe

Don't Panic! This article is about to be demolished for an hyper-spatial express route. What do you mean you didn't know? There's no point in acting all surprised about it. All the planning charts and demolition orders have been on display in your local planning department of Alpha Centauri for fifty of your Earth years, so you've had plenty of time to lodge any formal complaint and it's far too late to start making a fuss about it now.

Milliways, better known as The Restaurant at the End of the Universe is a dining establishment that has been said to be the best thing since sliced bread, and in fact even serves sliced bread at your request.

It involves both:

1. Seeing one Edge of the Universe, and
2. Seeing the End of the Universe

The name Milliways apparently refers to either:

1. The million ways the Universe could end, or
2. The thousandth of a way the Universe could end.

Its sister project is the Restaurant at the Beginning of the Universe, called the Big Bang Burger Bar.

Seeing the edge of the Universe

“Space is big. Really big. You just won't believe how hugely, vastly, mindbogglingly big it is.”

~ The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy on the size of the Universe

Conventional methods

Reaching the spatial End of the Universe is rather simple. The restaurant is built on the former location of Frogstar World B, and one can reach it using any variety of spacecraft available, including those that use Infinite Improbability Drive, Bistromathics, or Hyperspace. Actual travel time may vary, depending on the space, time, and dimension of origin.

Alternate method

You just, well, wait for about 42 billion years. The Big Crunch will be imminent by then, and the size of the Universe will have been greatly reduced, making it easier to reach the spatial End of the Universe.

This, of course, is what is mainly done by many immortals.

However, since many people are mortals, they just utilize time travel and high speed spacecraft.

Seeing the End of the Universe

“Why exactly would you want to be involved in a huge interstellar crash that involves killing everyone on every planet orbiting every star in every galaxy in every cluster in every supercluster in our Universe?”

~ Everyone on the End of the Universe

It's the most difficult question to ask: how do you survive the Big Crunch? (No, it's not with a fancy meal.) This is the most difficult part to explain, partly because it involves advances in future theoretical physics and because we don't even have the knowledge. We are, however, certain that future theoretical physics will (have) allow(ed) the construction of the Restaurant.

Location

A one-stop rocket-in portal on Deep Space Nine - shown in The Making of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine - leads you 42 billion years forward in time and wherever the actual location turns out to be. The restaurant was (or will be) built on the former site of the planet Magrathea, and will last until the end of time. The restaurant is known for its large parking lot, and especially its valet service. Diners may have their car, time machine, spaceship, or any combination of the three, parked by none other than Marvin the Paranoid Android, another amazing by-product of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation

"Sure, I'll park your car, but I'm not going to enjoy it. A brain the size of a planet and here I am parking cars!"

.

When the Universe itself ends, the restaurant remains and is transported back in time for the next seating.

Menu

• Milky Way Milk
• Sunday Sun Sundae
• Pan-Dimensional Panini
• Betelgeuse Beetles
• Dish of the Day
• Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster
• Sliced bread (see top of article).

Reservations

Making reservations at Milliways is relatively easy. Instead of calling before the meal, one can, in theory (thanks to Time Travel) can place a reservation after returning back to his or her own time.

Cost of meal

The meal, believe it or not, costs one cent, at least in theory. The most common theory is that one can deposit a penny into his or her bank account and compound interest would allow the balance to increase over the years leading up to the End of the Universe. Unfortunately, increasing inflation rates, along with the regular finance charges for inactive accounts, this is rarely the case. The actual story is that a penny will actually cover the meal in its entirety. It is the tip that is more expensive. At the end of the universe, the penny is worth so little that waiters and waitresses expect a tip that is about 69,463,850,218,887,189,842% of the cost of the meal. Milliways accepts most major credit cards, even Diner's Club or American Express in certain occasions.

Still, this is technically not a problem since either

1. You are so extremely rich to even be able to get there that you will generously give the waiter the tip, or
2. You just run away.

Use in time travel

Time travel is currently forbidden by the Ministry of Historical Consistency. However, a sole exception is the portal to the Restaurant at the End of the Universe, as the Ministry of Historical Consistency likes to hold huge parties there. Therefore some have abused this venue in order to travel to different time eras by stealing other peoples' spaceships. This has led to Oscar Wilde owning a TARDIS (which was actually forbidden by the Ministry of Historical Consistency), Arthur Dent owning SpaceShipOne, and the Doctor owning a DeLorean.

Minor upheaval on ban

At one time, one time traveler, upon discovering the ban on time travel, went to the Restaurant at the End of the Universe, stole a spaceship belonging to the Ministry of Historical Consistency - which was holding a huge party - in order to lift the ban on time travel. And so it was lifted.

At another time, after all hell broke loose, the time traveler decided not to lift the ban after all. And so it was de-lifted. He was then sentenced to 30 years in prison.

Reviews

The restaurant at the end of the universe has been reviewed by many chefs. This is what some of the ones from Earth said:

Gordon Ramsay said it was the "best fucking meal he had in his fucking life".

Gary Rhodes thought "they made the best mushroom stroganonandoff for at least eighty light years".

Jamie Oliver criticized them for not using local ingredients.

Emeril Lagasse complimented it by saying "Bam! I just love their meat sauce marinara."

Julia Child requested a second PGGB (that's one for the glass and two for me) on having a second piece of sliced bread. "Bon appétit!"

Sceptical analysis

It is widely shunned for the use of the term 'The other end of the universe'. This is because it is only 235 light years away from regular customers who live on the same side of the universe. However, the main reason is that we all know the universe loops, thus making Pluto the other end of the universe. Using clever calculations such as that for the number 6 we can safely assume that the restaurant at the other end of the universe has never been visited by Jamie Oliver, who has criticised it. Bastard.