The debilitating skin disease I got from battling the undead

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The battle

A bunch of zombies came to my house one night and tried to steal my Aztec Gold. I called the cops, but it was 1am and they were all stoned so I had to fight the undead myself.

It was long and epic with lots of loud noise. The zombies moaned so much the neighbors thought there was an orgy going on in the house!

You'd think fighting zombies would be a piece of cake since they're all decaying and shit, and I even had a buttload of guns and knives and fire at my disposal! But I tell ya those damn things just wouldn't go down easy!

Eventually I won. The sun came up and the zombies all shit their pants and disintegrated into dust. I pwned them good.

But the next morning I came down with a debilitating skin disease.

Living with zombie herpes

The disease was so bad the doctor didn't even know the name for it so he had to make one up: zombie herpes. I had these big, festering, oozing yellow sores all over my face, ass, genitals and feet. A few of them were so big they almost ate me alive and I nearly died a few times. It was a real pain in the ass.

So I had to take this medicine and spread this sticky blue salve all over me twelve times a day, even more of a pain in the ass. Took me a year to get rid of the damn sores, and I still find yellow pus scars on my ass every now and then.

The lesson

Don't fight the undead without lathering yourself up in butter and putting condoms on your toes.

And if things get hairy, make sure you have Bruce Campbell on call for backup. He's fought so many zombies he's immune to debilitating skin diseases.

Other people who have battled zombies and won

• Jesus
• Chuck Norris
• Mr. T
• Meg Griffin
• Sailor Moon
• Homsar

See also

• That time I was nearly raped by a yak during my sojourn in Canada