Stoneder

"Stoneder" is an English term (orig. unkn.) that was used to refer to a member of the now-extinct p'Othead (pronounced "poe-theed") race. The p'Othead people were consistently higher (more "stoned" on weed, hence"stoneder") than those around them. They were usually human, but were sometimes another species (cat, iguana, goldfish,) that had become that way through direct contact with a human stoneder, making this one of the few optional races. (see Judaism.) They are remembered for their long list of societal advancements, among which are introspective thought.

Background check

Stoneders began existence on some vague other world, some vague number of millions of years ago. Not much is known about their true home, because they all just had a vague idea that they were definitely from somewhere else. The p'Otheads are unique among humans for having evolutionary ancestors in plants rather than animals, most notably, the hemp plant. However, they took much longer to evolve than modern man, as they just had a really chill buzz goin' and knew there was no rush. When they finally did evolve, they were imported to Earth around 200 B.C. as a part of their planet's NIYP (Now It's Your Problem) program. Once here, they immediately set about procreating and watching whatever shit was on TV. Details about this period are hazy, because they were largely snubbed by society and any real ideas they may have had were ignored by the mainstream media, but we do know they had access to TV thousands of years before the rest of the world.

Rise and fall of a civilization

The first seeds of the burdgeoning p'Othead society were sprouting up here and there in secluded settlements in the woods outside of town and in private bedrooms as early as 170 B.C., but things didn't really begin to get organized until 52 or 53 A.D., as referenced in the apostle Paul's 52 A.D. epistle to the Corinthian church- "Twenty-Five Groups to Watch For in The Coming Years". In Rome, the p'Otheads were notorious for not doing as the Romans did, causing Caesar to decree that they were to be banned, and anyone caught practicing their ways was to be incarcerated. (Near the fall of the Roman empire, the ban was lifted in some parts of the world, but stoneders were still sporadically prosecuted by imperial law enforcement.) Due to their differences, the p'Otheads largely chose to move away from the Romans, most of them settling several miles to the left. This isolation from the rest of the world became an important factor in the development of the stoneders' culture, but largely bit them in the ass in the end.

The first recorded p'Othead leader on Earth was a man named Uma'reba. Before, the p'Otheads had lived without leadership in an all-for-one, one-for-all situation, but Uma'reba began imposing order on their simple lives after a legendary vision in which he was told by a warlock that if he organized his people and bought from him, he would guarantee them all the mo-ho-host dankest shit for generations upon generations. Uma'reba told the people of this, and it was pretty near unanimous that this was the way to go. Uma'reba went on to be one of the greatest and most respected leaders the p'Otheads ever had, and at the time of his death in A.D. 113, the people had crafted more than fifteen monuments to his name. When Uma'reba died, though, things were sent into a kind of a brou-ha-ha for awhile there, because through his reign he had never set up a successor. An open-meeting was held to figure out what to do. It was at this meeting that a fairly new member of the tribe, Lux'bella, announced his candidacy for king. Now, OK, yeah, I know, it's easy to criticize from our seat in front of the computer, but give them a break, they were probably high and literally no one else had thought to run, so the virtually unknown Lux'bella became the new king in A.D. 114.

Things were looking good for the stoneders. Lux'bella set up all kinds of programs for the tribe, including a new education system to replace the former methods of all-for-one, one-for-all, to-each-his-own... the people were enthusiastic at first, but after a few years, the agenda became clear; but they forgot what it was. But anyway, the agenda became clear, and the p'Otheads confronted Lux'bella about it. He was confused, but the stoneders were angry, and they... what happened was; he fucked them over, and they knew it.... Oh wait- oh yeah! It turned out Lux'bella was somewhat mad. The textbooks he provided for them were basically an abstinence manifesto, and he abused his power by hiding their stashes, hosing them when they were in his yard, and initiating a tax on freedom. That was the last straw for some reason, and after a thorough disillusioning, the stoneders split into two factions- those remaining loyal to Lux'bella who thought he was generally a decent guy, and those who refused to be told what to do. The p'Otheads as a people were no more. They dissipated and rambled around for a short time before eventually dying out. Those loyal to Lux'bella became known as hardcore straight edge to the core thousands of years before straight edge became hip. You could say Lux'bella made it hip.

Many people since have done their best to carry on the traditions of the p'Otheads, but they're just stupid.

Habits and characteristics

Most stoneders were originally clean-living, but became converted/corrupted through peer pressure, experimenting at a party, or much less commonly, individual thought. What this means is that they were just ordinary people, who as we know, vary disgustingly. There has long been a wives' tale about the stoneders having an elongated skull, but unlike most wives' tales, that is pure myth. In ancient depictions of the p'Othead people, what looks like elongated skulls are actually traditional headdresses called knit caps.

There were, however common characteristics that could set a stoneder apart from normal folk;

• a professed love of Bob Marley and, actually... come to think of it, a professed love of pretty much anything that references or relates to marijuana in any way, no matter how irrelevant it may be. In fact, in p'Othead society, irrelevance was almost always regarded as good.
• They loved informing others of how high they were. It didn't matter that they were always fried to the gills- they just had an insatiable desire to let people know. It didn't even make sense. They would even get high directly in front of each other, using the same pipe, and then proceed to try to convince each other (possibly themselves?) that they had no idea how totally baked they were. This need to share the news extended to taking pictures of themselves and their friends while high and uploading them to social networking websites with the caption "WE'RE SO HIGH!!!!" and typing comments on YouTube videos explaining to whoever reads it that they are high. This is another example of p'Otheads having access to technology way ahead of time.
• stoneders were known to distrust authority of any kind, (we now know this was because of Lux'bella fucking them over.)
• the p'Otheads' loyalty could be tested by a secret greeting. When one of the people saw someone they weren't sure of, they would ask them "Hey, hows it going?". If the person responded "Nothing much...", they were a stoneder.

They were also constantly stumbling out of the woods, to the bewilderment of townspeople. (possibly themselves?)

Disputes

There have been disputes that the p'Othead people were not stoneder by choice, but rather unintentionally. Dr. Darek Hodgins, an alternative historian, has this to say;

"A large part of initiation into the p'Othead tribe was the w'oh dued'd'd or "massive toke" feast. They would gather in circles in the twelfth hour of the day- which to us is around 4:20 P.M.- and play music, have social conversations, nosh on carbs and drink teas. All this was done around a massive bonfire of ceremonial ganja, resulting in the inevitable intoxication of all those present. In all accounts recovered to this point, there is no mention of intentional "smoking" of marijuana, and the "high" was always attributed to the spiritual magic of the community."

When confronted with the overwhelming evidence that they held these ceremonies not just to initiate new people, but also during breakfast, morning snack, lunch, after-lunch snack, early afternoon snack, midafternoon snack, late afternoon snack, supper, dessert, after supper snack, midnight snack, fourthmeal and pre-breakfast snack, Dr. Hodgins said "Of course, we can only speculate." and snidely sucked his cigarette.

Sightings Supposed p'Othead sightings have been reported around the world in the time since they've been thought to be extinct, notably in the forests and mountains of the Pacific Northwest, where due to the volume of sightings there have been several investigations and private groups have gone "Stoneder Seeking". Various explanations have been offered for the sightings, the most popular being that what people are seeing are posers.

In 2003 a man was found in the woods who many suspected to be a stoneder, but he denies any association, claiming that the 35-foot bong found nearby 'could be anybody's.'