“Speranah? Those tiny fellows gave me herpes!”
Speranah are small, fishlike creatures that have been credited with the destruction of many cities, including the famous city Atlantis. They are also believed to be the future destroyers of Trenton, Illinois in 2012, but it's a hick town so no one really gives a fuck. The actual existence of these beasts is in question, because only one person has ever claimed to see them and live to tell about it, and the Speranah found out about it and ate him.
What The Hell Is A Speranah?
According to urban legend, a speranah, or Spermacus Perahnautica is an ungodly fuckup. It is neither a solid nor a liquid. It is, instead, a living form of plasma. Every Speranah has only one tooth located on its bottom jaw. This tooth can be unhinged to release dangerous chemicals reputed to cause serious lesions in the brains of giraffes, rendering them unable to raise a leg to urinate. Although they do not have a sense of taste, Speranah seem to enjoy steak.
Where Did They Come From?
Though debated, the most accepted theory to date is that Speranah were created completely by accident in 5443 B.C, when a tribe of chronic masturbaters unknowingly invented the world's first irrigation system. The design was simple. It was nothing more than a hole in the ground with a wooden pipe leading from the hole to a nearby river. When the king masturbater unveiled the first ground shitter, he demonstrated its use by unloading a massive amount of his bodily fluids into it. The toilet did its job, and pumped over thirty gallons of semen into the river, which happened to contain a rare breed of piranha. When the piranha were exposed to the man juices, their genes fused and they became the terrors known as speranah today.
Wait... How Did They Fuse?
Radiation? Yeah, definitely radiation.
Are They Dangerous?
Extremely. Most people would rather face a horny Rosie O'Donnell than an angry group of Speranah. Due to their unique body type, they are capable of consuming anything up to ten times their own size. It is estimated that a pack of full grown Speranah could consume all of New York in a matter of minutes, not unlike Rosie.
But, if you are awesome, which they are not, you're safe. The Speranah are unable to function properly if they come within a 10 meter radius of something more awesome than them, which is just about everything.
Can They Be Stopped?
Speranah cannot be sliced up, diced up, shot up or even beaten with a stuffed ferret. Because they have no true body, Speranah can only be killed by electric shock and heat. They can, however, be slowed down or scared away. The following is a small list of things that Speranah are said to fear:
- Tennis rackets
- Disney movies
- Yu-Gi-Oh cards
- Something awesome
- Chuck Norris
- Your mother
- Dirty socks
How Do They Reproduce?
Speranah mate only once every 347 years. This would not be a problem, except for the fact that the average lifespan for a healthy speranah is only 346 years. When they do manage to mate, there is only a one in ten chance that the female speranah will become impregnated. The speranah's mating process is unlike that of any other species. To have sex, speranahs merge together into one unisex speranah. For three months the two will exist as one, until finally they a splode into a mass of speranah children. This, of course, results in the worst possible death immaginable to the host parents. So basically, speranah have to choose between death or a life without sex. Tough call.
Where Do They Live?
Speranah can live anywhere, as long as the average temperature there is less than 102 degrees fahrenheit. They originated in South Africa, but over time managed to spread through out the world. Common places to find them are in the colder parts of hell, on farms, and near meat.
What Can They Do?
Speranahs have the ability to live on land and in the water. They can fly, and due to their body type, they can fit into any nook or cranny. They can sense steaks from over 200 miles away, and although they only have one tooth, it can bite through anything. They can also impregnate you. Go figure.