Sloanes
“Two things in life are certain: Death and Sloanes.”
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove you don't need it.”
Sloanes are fashionable British people originating from adorable little Kensington and Chelsea. Their favourite pastime is trotting up and down Kings Road, gawking at the lower classes, exchanging cheek kisses à la Français. They are sometimes called Sloane Rangers. After a day of reveling in their innate superiority, they gather at the White Horse Pub, which is now known as the Sloaney Pony.
History[edit]
The first Sloanes evolved from toads in the late 60's, mutated by the high concentrations of LSD in the water supply. They reproduced at an alarming rate and quickly took over the whole Chelsea area of London, raising massive funds by reselling "vintage" clothes on Depop.
Sloanes and chavs might be the same species, just with different amounts of money. The evidence is that they both wear Burberry — though Sloanies get it from County Casuals or Harvey Nick's, whilst chavs get theirs from a market stall. The tell is that, on Sloane apparel, the word Burberry is spelt correctly.
Sloanes are well-respected members of the nouveau riche community who donate to various charities such as the Priory Rehab Centre for Gifted Youngsters. They think abnormal wealth inequality between classes is tres important and their donations can offer redemption. They socialise at respectable boarding schools around the UK, including St Mary's School Ascot, Downe House, Rugby, Canford, and Wellington College, after which they move onto Exeter or Bristol University.
The Sloane epitomise the stereotypically dim rich kid who, through vulgarity and vanity, antagonises his brighter lessers by blatant failure to earn his inflated social status. Like Scientologists, they will never get the kick in the teeth they so richly deserve.
Language[edit]
Sloanes speak impersonally, always abbreviate, and pepper their utterance with "like" and "random". This dialect works well with their atrophied frontal lobes. They use a faux-French accent to emphasise a point. ("Leaving Kings Road is tres dangereux, non?") A full, real-life example follows:
| “ | Soz for not calling you, I was smashed at this wick party. Soph is such a ledge: she totally rinsed these plebs who were NQOC[1] and NFI[2] and then split a G'n'T all over her Ralphie and Pash. Banter! 'Twas soooooooooooo funny. Gotta dash, the rentals are home. Laters. | ” |
The full translation is: "Hi - I didn't forget to call you, I just dont like you. I was very drunk at a party that you weren't invited to and I'm only ringing now to make you feel stupid. Sophie is really cool because she took the piss out of some poor people who she invited just to make herself look beter for kicking them out. Then, because she's such a tit, she split her gin and tonic all over her pretentious clothes that were bought with Daddy's credit card. I thought it was hilarious because I hate Sophie. I have to go now, my parents are home and I need to ask them for more money. I'll speak to you next time I'm invited to something which you aren't. Bye"
More Sloanisms include:
- Babes - a form of the third person plural
- Mate (pron.: maayyyyyyyyyte) - A friend. Typically used in front of Sloanettes repeatedly in Henry J Beans. Often preceded and followed by 'Ah'.
- 'Zeth - Abv. Polzeath - The once-charming seaside town in north Cornwall now transformed during July and August into the 'KR[3]-on-the-sea'.
How to be a Sloane[edit]
The following items are a must:
For boys[edit]
- Jack Wills Trackies
- Flip-Flops
- Pink Shirt
- Gillet
For girls[edit]
- Jack Wills Trackies
- Striped Shirt
- Gillet
- Pashmina
- Pearls
- Hoodie
- Hermés scarf
For both[edit]
- Unruly hair in the style of superhero Russel Brand (only blondes need apply). It makes girls look very orange and plastic, whilst for the Hooray Henries, it is an alternative to the natural-looking fake tan.
Brand names are of utmost importance when Sloanes go shopping. If they buy anything without the right name stamped all over it, they spontaneously combust, right there in the middle of Ralph Lauren.
Names[edit]
To fit seamlessly into the Sloane community, you must fashion yourself an impressive hyphenated surname such as Parker-Bowles, Palmer-Tomkinson, Jolie-Pitt or Fawcett-Majors. Sloanes favour the following given names:
- Alexander, especially when abbreviated to "Alec" or "Locky"
- Amanda
- Camilla, often abbreviated to "Mills"
- Cecil or Cecily
- Chelsea/Chelsey, often abbreviated to "Chels"
- Charles, often abbreviated to "Charlie"
- Edward, often abbreviated to "Ed" or "Ted"
- Emma, often abbreviated to "Ems"
- Henry, as in "Hooray Henry"
- Isabella, often abbreviated to "Bella" or "Izzy"
- Rupert, as in "Ra Ra Rupert"
- Thomas, often abbreviated to "Tom"
- Victoria, especially when abbreviated into "Vicks", "Vicki", "Tory", "Tors", "Torzy" or "Torica"
- William, usually abbreviated to "Wills" or "Will"