St Mary's School Ascot

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“Ad Maiorem Dei Gloriam”

~ School motto. Means "Leave space for Jesus"

St Mary's Ascot is not a tie that St Mary wore during her transsexual phase. Rather, it is a Catholic all-girls boarding school in Berkshire, England, founded to train an army of raging feminists who all secretly just want a quiet future where they rely on their husband's income to suit the stay-at-home housewife life they have been dreaming of since they were little girls.

It has a student population of approximately 400 incredibly touch-deprived girls. Most are Sloaney Ponies who think that Ascot is the countryside. The school was named 2015 "Public School of the Year" in Tatler — a title to which the school clings with dear life. St Mary's attracts some of the most intellectually capable students in the world. Unfortunately, none of these students actually attend the school because they foresee its impact on their social life and mental health. Based entirely off of St Trinians, there is absolutely nothing original about this school.

Socials

If the girls are lucky, they will be granted permission to leave the convent on rare occasions to fraternise with some of the most sexist schools in the country — Radley, Harrow, Winchester, and, if they've been especially good, Eton. A Harrow-ing dress code and rules of conduct (which literally no one follows) prevent the girls from finding possible suitors at these events. For example: NO PATENT LEATHER SHOES — because the teachers think boys are smart enough to use them as mirrors to look up the girls' skirts. Exchanging emails is the highlight of these events for the year 7-8's, who all have Nokias. Dance circles are popular at the discos as an illegal make-out session can take place in the middle.

Important traditions

• Chanting "fresh meat" at the new girls during carols in the link
• The Year-10 Scandal — A tradition that goes back to the beginning of time when the girls all turn into disappointments once they reach year 10. Previous scandals include vaping, shoplifting and ordering 30 dominos pizzas to a funeral.
• Shrove Tuesday — Takes place on a Friday, where 75% of the girls feel appreciated as there's a whole celebration for Pancake Day
• Sneaking over the Eton bridge — Weekly occurrence by the girls over all years who crave male interaction as a coping mechanism after a hard week
• Drinking in the woods — Partaken in by the year 7's on a Monday lunchtime
• Dorm checks — Absolute panic for the whole year group — The only time day girls are useful
• Getting tattoos/piercings — Shout out to the school's stick-and-poke artists

Useless things that can be found onsite

St Mary's simply love to fund useless projects, such as the hideous Mary Been Courtyard, random fences so girls don't get hit by delivery trucks (which has never previously happened) and suicide-prevention windows. Perhaps the school should invest in much needed resources for the art and science department but no, the geniuses that run this place have decided that the year 7 showers are more important than the education of the students and quality of resources. The students hold their breath in anticipation (and because of the smell coming from the kitchens every time there's fish on the menu) at the reveal of the next unwanted creation.

Academic performance

Ranked No. 1 in the UK by The Daily Telegraph in the 2018 GCSEs, the teachers at St Mary's have clearly let this get into their heads as they no longer feel the need to teach the students properly as they think these results come without the tears and countless breakdowns that they actually do. The girls try their hardest to get all A*'s because if you don't, they will find you.

Caution must be taken when wearing jewellery, as anything over one earring in each lobe is extreme and obviously makes you unable to learn. Skirts must also be unrolled and hair tied up (but these rules apply to everyone except the year 10's). Anyone who dyes their hair any colour apart from brown is a distraction to everyone else and will be dealt with by the dementors of pastoral care in the most passive-aggressive way imaginable. If you have two colours in your hair, you can kiss your ass goodbye.