Serbian history
Serbian history is the only history in the world to actually exist on a separate parallel timeline that can only be viewed from within Serbia. Once a scholar exits the Serbian border, he is subjected to the "alternate" and "Anti-Serbian" version of history the rest of the world follows. The divergence in timelines from the rest of the world apparently occurred during the Ottoman Invasions during the Middle Ages, resulting in Serbs psychologically impacted by the centuries of being Turkish concubines. The trauma lead to a disillusioned alternate history to act as a coping mechanism as explained by Albert Einstein through his Theory of Serbian Irrelevantivity. Though the Milosevic Field of Distortion has been known to channel such alternate views into Serbs living outside the country. The field being so strong, that these Serbs often end up believing they are more Serbian than Serbs from actual Serbia. Thus, leading to endless disputes over who can kill more Turks per minute.
The beginning[edit]
Brandy, winning and religion were all invented in Serbia, marking the upturn of human civilization. After Jesus, -17 Roman Emperors were born in Serbia, which is second only to Italy. (Suck on that Albania!! ) Everything was going swell until Constantine was born in north Serbia, and the Greeks had to flee.
Then, with the Greeks out of the way, the land was open for the White Serb to come in the 6th century and settle the dankest people ever. The Serbs would then rule the Balkans, fighting everyone within reach, as the Byzantine Empire's protectors. Then the Ottoman Empire came and spoiled all the fun.
Serbs' first contact with Roman Empire was in 31AD, when the invading Roman army was decimated by two sleeping toddlers. Chiefs of Serbian tribes, after a night of heavy drinking, decided that it would "be hot" to go invade Rome, which they promptly did. Multi-party constitutional democracy was instituted; much more liberal than the old Roman Republic, and Rome reached new Golden Age in a few short months. However, since they were defeated by a handful of drunken barbarians, Roman historians decided to ignore this period after the Serbs sobered up and went home to get breakfast, leaving emperor Tiberius free to restore old Imperial system.
Subsequent Serbian adventures mildly annoyed other people of that age in south Europe, and the mighty Hun force was immediately accepted as a saviour by those poor victims of Serb oppression and Serb lack of personal hygiene. Nowadays, this is widely regarded as a gross miscalculation.
Other Southern Slavs were not impressed by their neighbors, and often complained that they were too loud and smelly.
Wars with Ottoman Empire[edit]
Worst conflict ever for Serbian people was one with Ottomans at Battle of Kosovo (or Serbia), in 1389. There, a great Ottoman army was crushed by Serbs, after the battle lasting 17 minutes. Serbs, as said, kicked their butts, but by a lowbrow backstabbing plan plotted by (probably?) the Vatican, Turks got into Serbia somehow and stayed there for a long 500 years to come. None of the modern history's "books" (Serbians refuse to write due to religious beliefs) don't tell anything about the Serbian magnificent victory, but who cares. Serbs celebrated as if they supremely won this battle.
Legend tells that lone Serbian knight, Duke Miloš Obilić, snuck into Turkish camp, and killed Sultan Murat. The knight was later SCUDed by the son of Murat, The great Sultan, Bajazit. Serbs then stopped celebrating.
To this day a mystery surrounds this epic battle. It is unclear how Duke Miloš Obilić managed to pass trough Turkish checkpoints and escape using a main battle tank. It is a legend that is passing from generation to generation of Serbs and still inspiring new warriors to continue this unfair battle. Some say Miloš was on the dark side, some say he was just another guy from local fitness club who joined war for fun.
Great sultan Bajazit was very angry when he found out that some Serbian bodybuilder killed his father. So angry that he launched a SCUD missile directly on party that Serbs made to celebrate battle loss. After smoke has cleared and decontamination was done, sad news was spreading, Miloš was dead.
- One additional piece of folklore based on Miloš Obilić needs debunking: a popular Serbian proverb "Два лоша убише Милоша" (Two bad guys can smite even one Miloš, a free form translation) was actually invented by a foreign battle reporter immediately after the battle of Kosovo. The Order of Templars (a precursor to what would become UN) had war reporters sent to Kosovo. One was stationed near the point of impact of a SCUD missile. The Templar had been enjoying his third or fourth barrel of Serbian refreshing beverage šljivovica at the moment of explosion, and -- momentarily grasping the impact of the event -- allegedly uttered the words "Too bad, Miloš's dead." This was heard by some Serbs nearby but due to their sense of hearing being impaired partly by the recent explosion and partly by the otherwise beneficial effects of the quantity of šljivovica imbibed, they misinterpreted it as "Two bad, Miloš dead". This didn't make any sense, which made it instantly popular among Serbs surviving the battle of Kosovo.
After five centuries of life under the Ottomans (even though there were some suggestions to try sitting on them) Serbs decided to rise. And so they started the First Serbian uprising, which involved the second most successful Serbian activity: war. For 9 bloody years Karađorđe Petrović led the Serbs through countless victories over the Ottomans only to be overwhellmed as soon as the Turks made peace with Russians. Well, that’s life.
When two families go to war[edit]
Serbian politics for 100 years were dominated by two rival families: The Obrenovićs and the Karađorđevićs. This was a dynastic rivalry that made all others look like a nursery school cage fight. Treachery, depostion, murder and general bad eggery litters Serbian history during this time. At the same time the Serbs were trying to kick the Turks out but also not wanting the Austrians from coming in and taking over. So bad were the politics then that even the other European powers who were happy to ship in a spare royal to become King of Greece, a King of Romania or a King of Bulgaria, the Serbs said 'no thanks, we can provide our own tyrants'. This ding-donging went on until 1903 when the last Obrenovic, King Alexander and his wife Queen Draga were bayoneted in their palace by Peter Karadordevic and his friends after a heavy night out in Belgrade. When I say murdered, butchered was more like. When the killers were finished, Alexander and Draga's remains were carried away in a bucket and fed to the pigs.
The new King of Serbia broke off relations with the Austrians (and the Hungarians and the Croats) and made big chummies with Russia. Since the Russians didn't like the Turks either and there was enough of the Ottoman Empire in Europe to grab, this should have meant good news for the heroic Serbs. However in 1908 the Austrians annexed Bosnia, a territory they had been 'safe keeping' since 1878. What was worse, the Russians had agreed to go along with this! Now Serbia would work alone.
The opportunity came in 1912 when the Ottoman Empire got mugged by the Italians in Libya. With all their soldiers away, the other Balkan kingdoms including Bulgaria, Montenegro and Greece ganged up and took over everything except Constantinople in a victorious campaign. Serbia doubled in size but the Austrians and Italians blocked them from taking over Albania. Then the Bulgarians got upset over some of the secret partition agreements and tried to kick Serbia in revenge. This let to a Second War in the Balkans and this time it was the Bulgarians who got a walloping - losing even to the Romanians and Turks who took the opportunity to attack Bulgaria. As they say, no one has any friends in the Balkans when it comes to politics.
Assassination[edit]
Serbia's old friend Russia got back in touch as they were still pissed with the Austrians. So with a bit of encouragement, the Serbs sponsored the 'Black Hand Gang' to make it rough for the Austrians in Bosnia. When they got turned away from a gig in Sarajevo to meet Archduke Franz Ferdinand and his wife Sophie, the Black Handers arranged a car accident and shot Ferdinand and Sophie under the guise of offering to change their tyres. This led to the First World War (also known as the Great War because we won bitches!), because this assassination was pretty much a backhand to Austro-Hungary, Germany's pansy-ass brother
More wars[edit]
Having fun with the state borders is one of the most popular activities in Serbia, even as Serbia gets smaller and smaller every year]] In 1914, Austria-Hungary (called that due to non-existence of Serbia at the time) declared war after assassination of archduke Franz Ferdinand by Gavrilo Princip, a member of Bosnian Pro-Serb Activity group Young Bosnia. Serbs claimed, "he had it coming" because "he was frontin'". War lasted for 4 years because Serbia had bet with France that Serbs could defeat Austrians, Turks and Germans by using nothing except their feces. And they did. France had to give bet money back, and plunged into financial ruin for 30 years to come.
In 1918 Serbia won the First World War and celebrated by annexing their ally Montenegro. This was because King Nicholas of Montenegro had been passing secrets to Vienna about how bad Serbian food was. In addition, the Serbs were given Bosnia ,Croatia, Slovenia, bits more of Bulgaria and some slices of Hungary. The new state was called the 'Kingdom of the Slovenes, Serbs and Croats and Others Too Many to Mention'. It was also called 'Jugoslavia' but they allowed other people (like the English) to call it 'Yugoslavia' as they didn't want people to call them 'juggies'.
The Croats and Serbs now found they had to share a state. Though they spoke the same language, the Croats were Pope kissing Catholics (as were the Slovenes). Serbs followed the truth Christian faith of Scientology whilst the Bosnians were miguided Serbs who had adopted Islam to save on taxes. There were also Hungarians, Germans, Jews, Romanians, Roma Gypsies and just about anyone else who had got lost in Europe and had ended up in Greater Serbia. In 1929 King Alexander officially renamed the country Jugoslavia and this so upset some Croats that they shot the King in Marseilles in 1934 where he had gone to France to ask for some giant weapons to make war on Albania (when the time was right). The Croat assassins also killed the French President two, a double hit bonus extra.
In 1939 Yugoslavia declared itself neutral and invisible but this didn't fool the Germans. They invaded the country and split it up. For those who like their wars nice and simple, this was one area of World War Two where everyone was shooting each other. For example, besides the Germans there were the Italians who wanted to add more of the Dalmatian coast to the bits they had already grabbed earlier after World War One. The Croats were split between Ustase (collaborating with Nazis) and communists and the Serbs were split between Chetniks (Collaborating with Nazis) and communists. Nazis and Chetniks often worked together to squash the communists.
The Allies supported the Serbian Royal family's army as lead by Draža Mihajlović. Hollywood made a film about him too, an embarrassment when the Allies found out about the Chetniks mass killing non-Serbs in the Balkans and had colloborated with the German army and had been great friends with the future Austrian born United Nations General Secretary Kurt Waldheim in his days as a Nazi officer (the UN's background checking department was very incompotent then). Though Mihajlović had said that their victims weren't humans anyway so it all worked out in the end. Head off the Nazi Puppet Serbian State, Milan "Pussy Slayer" Nedic was know for being a major fans of Jews. Just like the Chetniks, he sent them on a all expenses payed trip to local "camps" for their whole families to unite. Though strangely they all got lost leading to Serbia "losing" all their Jews. In the end it wasn't the Chetniks who defeated the Germans but a Croat born soldier called Josip Broz, otherwise known as 'Tito' Jackson. His army, know as the Partisans, was formed by Croats and was willing to invite in Serbs that would drop the Chetnik Nazi charade.
In 1945 the war was over. The Russians were everywhere except in Yugoslavia where at the borders the Serbs stopped the Russians entering looking for vodka. Tito had the Nazi-Two-Time-Doublecrossing Croats and Serbs shot and persuaded the other trader Croats to 'drop the Fascist act' and come back inside the old country with the Good-Croats. Since Tito was a Croat, this was a lot easier to do. Though collaborating Serbs pretended there was no collaboration with Germans to begin with.
The Soviet leader Joseph Stalin also wanted to be friends with his fellow Communist but Tito was reluctant to go to Moscow or allow the Russian army in. This upset Stalin who expelled Tito from World Communism as a 'capitalist roader' after a face slapping incident in the Kremlin. Stalin said Tito would be overthrown with days but Tito survived, he had already purged his own Communist party of anyone who was growing a bushy moustache in emulation of the Russian leader.
While the land was blossoming under kommunizam, Tito gathered an alliance of his noble jungle-friends who didn't want to side with imperialistic pigs from Washington and Moscow. They called this utopia the Non-Aligned Movement, a.k.a the Third World, a.k.a. The Mighty League of Extraordinary Power Pals. Tito proclaimed himself for a leader, and then went on a tour around Ethiopia. Cold War years were hard on Tito`s Power Pals, as they often had to teach both America and Soviet Union discipline and make them to "stop acting up" and "play nice".
Cold war finally ended in 1989. The Power Pals said that if the USA and Soviets don't end hostilities immediately, they will just pick up and leave. Then one Serb leaned against Berlin Wall to have a smoke, but foundation was of inferior workmanship and it came crashing down. Not Serbian fault, honest.
Democracy![edit]
Yugoslavia was then formed - which was a bad idea from the start (Croatians). The Croats in their typical child like views, though all the countries should unite as a stronger one. Essentially, this was a communist attempt to force together countries that hated each other. (See Canada–United States relations) Eventually, Serbs had to put everyone in their place. A powerful country needs to be run by beautiful people. But, in the 1990's Yugoslavia one again came crashing down and the West once more claiming "genocide" against Muslim Serbs (Bosnians) and Catholic Serbs (Croats) must stop while helping Albanian gang lords steal our Kosovo. Proving they are bigots for not accepting Serbian cultural traditions.
In spite of this, and in spite of a tarnished public image, Serbians believe Serbia has managed to make a full recovery from its misunderstanding in the 1990's. As indeed it has in the alternate timeline inside the nation.
Although Albania did manage to steal Serbia's Holy Land , Serbs don't mind. Why? Because Serbia knows it will get it back one day when EU need some Kebab removal. And besides, The Serbs know that Albanians are just jealous of how dank they are... It should be noted that Serbia has, in fact, managed to forgive those retarded, gang banging countries - as only True Christians master-race good looking people can do.
Today, Serbia valiantly waits patiently waiting to enter the EU. It was and is quite along wait, but as long as they get in before Bosnia or Turkey, than it was worth it.