Reasons to become an atheist/the funny version
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Darwin's so dreamy AND he always buys the beer. He seriously won't let you pay for it. He's cool like that. We think his parents probably give him the money.
Being an atheist (being non-religous) is a lot easier than being of any other religion - because it isn't a religion! Doesn't get any simpler than that, does it? If you want to be Christian, there's all kind of little annoyances that follow with it that just make you want to say "Oy Vey!" and give up. Same thing goes for being Jewish (wearing dumb hats in public, having your foreskin chopped off), Muslim (starting holy wars and having your foreskin chopped off), Buddhist (setting yourself and your foreskin on fire) and every other major religion. For example...
- Extra two hours on Sunday! Church can sometimes interfere with your football watching schedule. And if you're Jewish, church can interfere with your college football watching schedule. Whenever your holy day is, though, it's bound to eventually overlap with a sports game that is equally or more important than your salvation. Not a problem with atheism! Sports watching is just that much easier! In fact, since the Atheist sabbath, called the weekend, lasts for two days Atheists get a whole day more free time than the Jews (who only get Saturday) or Christians (who only get Sundays).
- Less reading material. Look, we all got sick of books when we dropped out of High School and promised to get our GED, and we're honestly working on it, we are. But now we have to read books again? I've seen these Holy Books, they're thick and the pages are thin and the font is really small. Also, they use all kinds of big words. If you become an atheist, it promises much less reading and lots more T.V. Did you know that the creator of Star Trek was an Atheist?
- People will immediately think you're a more compelling individual if you're in the minority. If you're an atheist, beating the shit out of you suddenly becomes religious persecution (despite the fact that atheism is in fact a lack of religion - funny, innit?). People will think you're more interesting, and if they beat the shit out of you, they go to jail for a much longer time (there are many cases of this in Colorado where atheists have had their car windows smashed in. No going to jail for the known perpetrator, but let's not split hairs).
- Any church service you go to, they will eventually ask you for money. Greedy bastards. "Oh, we need money to rebuild the church so the roof doesn't leak, we need money to pay the pastor a livable wage, we need money to fund charitable causes that benefit the homeless. Oh we need money to pay the kid that father Mike fucked so he won't go to the press" Fuck that! Five dollars a week to buy Bobby One-Leg a new crutch might not seem like a lot of money, until you put it in perspective. That's over $.70 a day. Yeah, doesn't seem so minimal now, does it? Give the bastard a sharp rock and let him whittle his ass a crutch!
- Premarital sex = right on. 'Nuff said.
- It's widely held that the only way to feel guilt is to be told by an unseen figure above that what you're doing is wrong. Religious people feel guilt all the time. They have these rules that say "no stealing, no killing," then they steal and kill and you know what? They feel bad about it. (The obvious-but-not-mentioned conclusion is that all atheists feel no guilt when killing. That is why 100% of murderers in US jails are, err, well, sort of, kind of, let's move on...) But as an atheist, all you need are those basic rules that are built into your brain that tell you what is right and what is wrong – that is you don’t need to be told that killing is wrong, you just know it’s wrong.
- Darwin is cute, if you're into that kind of thing. I know some guys who are. They just love the beards. If you were religious, you could never talk about how cute Darwin is. It's blasphemous.
- It's not hypocritical for you to use the phrase "Oh my God!" And there's more! Since taking the Lord's name in vain is a "sin" only to the godly-folk, you can say "Oh my God!" and then when a Christian says it, you can call them out for sinning! (Even though atheists don’t talk about the religious concept of “sin”. Sin means being disloyal to your religion and hence does not effect atheists.)
- You get to be on the FUN side of some of the double standards! If you make fun of Christians, funny! If a Christian makes fun of you, suppression of a minority! It cannot be understated how awesome this double standard is. (Unless you live in the United States - the double standard is the opposite way round there. It's cool to be an atheist in England though. The problem is it's not a minority position and no one cares. I'm an atheist, I'm an atheist! Yeah, well, I'm wearing shoes! Go away.)