Penny
“A penny for my thoughts? I just gave you a Benjamin for your body last night at the men's room, and they're worth more than that. I'm insulted!”
“Now you want my two cents? I'll give you two socks full of um if you don't shut up! Maybe the Tooth Fairy will even leave you some quarters.”
A Penny is the smallest denomination of currency available with a value of 1¢, making it next to worthless, or four Somalian dollars.
Origin[edit]
The first penny was created in 1353 and was originally made of wood (it's just that worthless). Its wood form was mainly used to help poor people fill their burlap money sacks (with the dollar sign on the front) which gave the illusion of more money. The penny was eventually cast in copper by a landslide vote fueled by old people thinking it may catch on as real currency. With the overwhelming complaints, the government finally gave in and started casting pennies for the old people to collect. The first penny very fittingly read, "Mind Your Damn Business".
Pennies produced in the early 20th century had images of two wheat shafts on the back. This prompted bitter complaints and accusations of bias from farmers of other products, such as raisins, turnips, cottage cheese, and tofu who denounced this as the work of the pro-wheat lobby and demanded the matter be put to a vote. Government officials promised to consider this, but decreed tofu to be ineligible, as it is not an edible substance. The tofu contingent stomped out indignantly, declaring "You won't have tofu to kick around anymore." The controversy came to a dramatic conclusion when the entire Scooby Gang burst into the room and pulled the disguise off the wheat, revealing it to be chaff. Then they pulled the mask off the leader of the pro-wheat lobby, revealing her to be Rosie O'Donnell. "I'd have gotten away with it, if it weren't for those meddling kids" she shrieked as she was led away in handcuffs. Embarrassed at being associated with the whole sordid affair, the rest of the farmers suddenly remembered they had left the oven on and quickly left the room.
Usage[edit]
Due to inflation, the penny is now worth less than the metal on which it is stamped. Therefore, instead of saving your pennies in a jar and allowing them to accumulate, a true entrepreneur would melt them down and sell them in bulk. Or he would fill a swimming pool with them. Whichever. Everyone knows that you can't buy anything with a penny. One penny sweets are now 10 cents and gas stations will round you up on change just they don't have to bother giving you the damned things. Homeless people see a donation of a single penny to be an insult. Sometimes, when in dire need, people have been known to eat them in bulk. This phenomenon has given rise to the expression "lunch money". Charities want to keep the penny in circulation. We all know that you and all readers of this page is made of pennies that should be given to charity.
Lincoln[edit]
Abraham Lincoln is pictured on the United States penny. He is widely considered the greatest Penis ever and history gave him his due by placing him on the most used piece of currency ever. Also that guy that was born and raised in a log cabin he built himself.
Penny References in Popular Culture[edit]
There are surprisingly few references to pennies in popular culture, probably because old people are hoarding them.
- Pennies From Heaven (song and film)- these would really hurt if they hit you
- Penny Lane- a road in London paved entirely with pennies, which makes for seriously bad driving conditions
- Pennywise- scary evil clown in Stephen King's book and movie "It"
- Alfred Pennyworth Batman's butler and the giant penny in the Batcave next to the dinosaur.
- Bad Penny- phrase describing a penny that has committed a crime or other reprehensible act
- Penny Arcade- I guess it's some sort of arcade where you, like, play with pennies or something.
- "Penny wise, pound foolish"- A proverb saying how wise it is to carry lighter coins in your pocket.