Penn Fifteen Club

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The Penn Fifteen Club was the group of Quaker settlers, led by William Penn, who founded the state of Pennsylvania. The land of Pennsylvania was given to William Penn by the King of England who was in debt to Penn's dad. But Penn's dad died, so the King of England sent a messenger to Penn saying "I'm sorry your dad died, here, have a state." Penn was grateful because he finally had a place where he and his bros could crash.

Early Crashing[edit]

When Penn first arrived in the land given to him by the King, it was still pretty nice. It could've used a little paint and one of the windows wouldn't open but overall it was all right. Penn's first act was to name the land Penn's Sylvania. Sylvania being latin for "crib." The Penn Fifteen Club quickly became notorious for their almost nightly parties where, under the influence of alcohol and a religion promoting dangerous ideals such as acceptance and passiveness, people practiced unaccepted religions wantonly and out in the open. Penn's homies were famous for being not only hardcore, but totally cool. This one time this Cathlolic guy mentioned the Pope right in front of Penn. All his homies stepped back, waiting for Penn to pounce the man and tear him limb from limb. Except Penn only smiled lazily and said "nah man, it's cool." The colony of Massachusetts called Pennsylvania a liberal haven, but Penn took the term in stride, because he didn't know what it meant.

One of the coolest party tricks Penn knew was to sign a treaty with an Indian tribe and subsequently adhere to the terms as agreed upon. At the time, it was believed Penn was the only person of a feat so hardcore.

Tragedy and Controversy[edit]

At one particularly banging party where everyone was completely hammered and electing representatives to an organized government (while all the other bitch-ass colonies were still in the throes of theocracies) one of Penn's homies died of an overdose. He had entirely too much powder in his wig. In his honor, Penn established the city of Philadelphia, meaning "Brotherly Love (no homo)". Whenever one of the Penn Fifteen Club members would take a drink of milk or water (alcohol was frowned upon, but if youi still wanted to drink it, it was cool) they poured a little for their dead brother.

This didn't cause the Penn Fifteen Club to rethink their dangerous living ways. Penn continued to practice party rituals, including Open Debate and the holding of Town Meetings for Candid Discussion (a slight modifier on Open Debate where you first pound a Red Bull). Some thought Penn was tempting the Gods, such as a worried cousin back in England who sent message that he was concerned about Penn's penchant for supporting the rights of minorities, but Penn shrugged him off, defiantly returning correspondence "that is your opinion, and in our burgening democratic society I value that. However, I feel you are grossly mistaken." It was largely considered the single greatest serve of all time.

Tattoos and Da Quakaz[edit]

One of the more legendary aspect of the Penn Fifteen Club was the fact that initiation required the new inductee to get a tattoo that said "PENN15" somewhere on their body. Getting the tattoo showed loyalty to the crew and the cause of spreading word on Da Quakaz (a.k.a., Da Religouz Soziety of Friendz), the gang they were all trying to start. And they were hard, too. They weren't a bunch of lower-class poser fags in baggy wigs talking like they were from the freethinking part of town. Eventuallly, Da Quakaz became a somewhat large gang, and they all hung out in Penn's Sylvania.

Allegience with Roger Williams[edit]

The Penn Fifteen Club was close allies with Roger Williams, who had been kicked out of the Massachusetts Bay Colony for being too hardcore and not burning witches. At the time, not burning witches was considered to be extremely badass. Anyway, Williams moved to this really small area of land and thought he could impress people by naming it Rhode Island even though it's not an island at all. This impressed Penn and the Penn Fifteen Club immensely. Penn would oftentimes go over to Rogue Island, as it was called. Not worrying about destorying his own place, Penn would really let loose and do things at the time thought unfathombale, such as promote the idea of a government with little or no connection to religion, and the general idea of making one's religion a personal choice rather than a subject of recruitment and evangelization. Some people began to think he was spinning out of control.

The Penn Fifteen Club, if nothing else, was loyal to their likeminded and equally badass homies, and established a still standing relationship with Williams and Rhode Island. Even today, Pennsylvania and Road Island are among other hardcore states like California (and Massachusettes, which became superhardcore later after some witch burnings went wrong) in their promotion of post-secondary education. Some states even today, mostly in the south, still look down on post-secondary education as not being Christian enough.


One of the members of the Penn Fifteen Club, Philip Ford, was stealing money from Penn and he didn't even know it. Ford almost embezzled Penn's Sylvania, which had by then come to be known as Pennsylvania. Ford was kicked out. He then started his own club, called New Jersey. It didn't really pan out.

Death of the Penn Fifteen Club[edit]

Eventually Penn realized he was broke and needed to sell his Sylvania, go back home, and live at his parent's old place. Except he couldn't sell it because they'd pretty much trashed the place. They'd left free expression of religion and democracy everywhere, and it was a real turn off for buyers. Eventually, Penn had a stroke and the crew just kinda split up. Penn's family kept Penn's Sylvania until the Revolutionary War, when some guys moved in and simply never left. No one really cared to tell them to leave. Da Quakaz didn't really care at that time. They're barely even around anymore.