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The Opia is a short, furry primate, which usually dwells in the deepest, primal regions of The Amazon, but can occasionally be found as far north as Hell, Michigan. Evidence shows that prior to the last ice age, some opia made their homes in Antartica, where they dwelled peacefully among the giant, blind albino penguins and the descendants of Shrub Nigguath. Alas, the McMurdo Opia is no more, but the contribution of their race to the field of recreational psychopharmacology is timeless.

Natural opiates[edit]

The natives long knew that the sweat of the male opia was a potent intoxicant. They worshipped these gentle creatures as avatars of their god, whose name, roughtly translated into English, can be rendered as "I've Got a Headache THIS Big." On sacred moons, they would strip to their loincloths and creep naked through the forest, singing songs of loving devotion to the creature they called the dreamless one (narcotus reliefis) while smearing mud on their faces and genitalia to show their humility. When they came upon a mature opia, they would throw themselves at its feet, chanting and holding out offerings of green bananas. Nine times out of ten, the opia would kick the valiant warrior in his kidneys. But the tenth time, the noble creature would bend over and offer it armpit to the fortunate one, allowing the supplicant to suckle there upon the very teat of mercy.

The effects of drinking opia sweat were immediate and profound. The recipient would immediately fall into an intense, primal trance. Eyes agape but sightless, mouth hanging slack with just the thinnest drivulet of saliva running down the chin, any man who ingested this holy secretion would experience visions of the very grandest nature, encompassing the entire length of the universe. Following the revelation, he would fall into a deep dreamless sleep, awaking with difficulty many hours later. Alas, he could never remember the shape of his dreams, and, inevitably, the encounter would leave him constipated for many days.

When white men first explored the Amazon, they were keen to understand what they initially perceived as a "monkey cult." The name of that first brave European to sample the forbidden nectar is lost to us, but the sport soon caught on among explorers. It was one of these intrepid adventurers who first coined the term "opiate." A man named Frank Murdock, in the grip of a narcotic event so cataclysmic that he lost the basest regard for his own welfare, actually bit down on the donor opia's axilla and swallowed a number of sweat glands. The resulting trip lasted three months, and during this time, in response to any questions as to his welfare, Murdock could only shout, "Opia! Ate! Opia! Ate!" The opia did not survive the encounter.

Eventually, someone realized that instead of crawling around in the jungle kowtowing to a bunch of hairy lemmings, it would be easier to catch some opia and breed them in cages, periodically scaring the shit out of them by jumping out from behind rocks wearing Tom Cruise masks, and collect the ensuing sweat in beakers for later consumption.

Artificial opiates[edit]

Since the trade in opia sweat (as well as the more potent opia tears and opia semen) is now outlawed to protect the species, science has found new ways to induce this primal bliss. With the invention of the video monitor, the opiate state is available to every man, woman, and child. The effects are markedly similar: a prolonged period of intense, vivid dreams or illusions, in which all aspects of the seem within reach; followed by a state of hebetude, or dullness, in which the brain effectively shuts off; followed by a waking state in which the dreamer has only the vaguest memory of what he has seen or where he has been.

Opiate delivery in electronic form takes several shapes:

  • Television, including network TV, basic cable, and dvds delivered through the mail;
  • Video games, available in large, family sized tabletop versions as well as small, handheld devices
  • The Internet, a vast wasteland of meaningless pictures juxtaposed with random words; and
  • Fox News, an insidious and satanically inspired calmative, designed to produced the greatest number of illusions or "lies" in the shortest period of time.
  • Religion, a psychiatric disorder commonly treated with logic and reason.

Users need not even bother with the consumption of opia juices, as musky and enticing as the idea may be. They simply press a button and immediately feel their brains bombarded with the same calming opiates that their spiritual ancestors worshipped in the form of a furry creature.

Negative side effects[edit]

None. As conclusively demonstrated by George Orwell in his groundbreaking 1984 thesis, Brave New World, artificial narcotic trips are the only surefire method of bringing peace and equality to the masses. Really. It's much better this way. Everyone belongs to everyone else. Don't you agree?