The Epidemic of Omnipotence
Male omnipotence is actually surprisingly common, with doctors estimating that 3 in 10 men suffer from omnipotence at some time in their lives, though in varying degrees of severity. However, it is suspected that the number might be higher than this, as few men are willing to come forward and seek help for this debilitating (but fortunately treatable) condition.
Known Causes of Omnipotence
- Omnipotence can be a temporary effect brought on by the excessive drinking of caffeinated alcohol; this is known as "Brewer's Speed".
- A man can be omnipotent if he becomes nervous, although this too is only a temporary effect
- The causes of permanent omnipotence are unknown, although it has been suggested that if your mom was a virgin at the time of your birth, you have a far higher likelihood of being omnipotent.
Cures for Omnipotence
- Being nailed to a couple of two-by-fours
- Black magick
- The tender affections of a good woman
Symptoms of Omnipotence
- Dilated pupils
- Impaired logic
- Going faster than a speeding bullet
- Coming faster than a speeding bullet
- Napoléon simplex
- Friction burns
- Irresistible desire to invade small sovereign nations
- Inability to wear pants
- Inability to sing on-key
- Microwaving burritos too hot to eat