Norm Macdonald
 The worst thing was the hypocrisy! | |
| Canadian comedian, writer and actor | |
|---|---|
| Location | Six feet under |
| Born | 17 October, 1959 - Quebec City, Canada |
| Died | 14 September, 2021 - California, USA |
| TV Shows |
|
| @NormMacdonald | |
“It's like someone taking you on a six mile hike, just to show you a dog turd.”
Norm Macdonald was a Canadian country singer/songwriter and actor, who went by the stage name Tex Hooper. He is most famous for his West Side Story adaption; in which he starred with Robert Downey Jr. and Will Ferrell. He is also known for playing the lead in Dirty Wok (1998) — in which he played an Asian fry cook, and Nailed (2000), where he played a butler turned dog-napper.
He would host his podcast Norm Macdonald Live with co-host Adam Eget, before it was cancelled by Netflix so that Norm could make a less-than-perfect talk show for them. Norm is also a non-strict vegetarian, as he enjoys eating chicken and raw game. Norm was also in New York when the Twin Towers fell. During the aftermath, Norm had to search through blood and bone on the streets of Manhattan, trying to look for his brother — who was in Northern Canada at the time.
Professor of Logic[edit]
Norm was out checking the letterbox one day, and his new neighbour who was moving in was in the driveway bringing boxes inside. Norm then introduces himself to the man. He explains that he is a stand up comic at the club, and asks what the neighbour does for a living. The man replies that he is a professor of logic down at the University of... Science. Norm, confused, asks what a professor of logic is. The professor says it's "a series of synogetic... let me just give you an example". Norm agrees. The professor then asks if Norm owns a dog house. Norm states that he does. He then asks Norm that since he owns a dog house, that means he has a dog, which means he probably has kids and a family. Norm once again says that it was true. The professor then says that if he has kids, that means he has a wife, therefore meaning that he was a straight man. Norm goes "by golly, you're right. What a thing this logic thing is". Norm then invites the professor over to eat a chicken one day.
At the bus stop later, a man smokes an entire cigarette and the bus still doesn't come. Norm is chatting with another person who asks what the professor of logic guy does. Norm says to the guy that it's "a series of synogetic... let me just give you an example". The man agrees. Norm then asks him if he owns a dog house to which the man replies that he doesn't. Norm then goes "oh, so you're one of those gays are ya?".
Then get this right, the gay guy invites Norm over for a chicken!
Andy Richter, the Swedish-German[edit]
_(cropped).jpg)
While working as a prospector in Georgia, Norm was in need of flesh and blood. Norm visits the local salon and the bartender says that they only have Andy Richter, the Swedish-German available. Norm declines saying that he's not into that "funny bussiness". However, after a few weeks of loneliness, Norm returns to the salon as he is just a man. He then asks to have some time with Andy Richter, the Swedish-German. Norm asks the bartender to keep it a secret. The bartender then responds that only four people would know about it;
- the bartender
- Norm
- Andy Richter, the Swedish-German
- and the fella who would have to hold down ol' Andy
as Andy Richter the Swedish-German also doesn't go for that funny stuff either, but he does get raped.
Underneath the Queensboro Bridge[edit]
Norm first met Adam Eget under the Queensboro Bridge, who was jerking off punks for fifteen bucks a man. One time, Adam was robbed by Mike Tyson, who, years later, would turn Norm into a pigeon.
Norm now being a helpless and often drunk/drug fueled pigeon, decides to tag along with the former heavyweight champion boxer, a random Chinese girl that Tyson had adopted, and a gay ghost to solve 'mysteries' — much in the vein of Scooby-Doo.
SNL[edit]
Norm used to be a writer and actor on SNL, which is long for Saturday Night Live, during the 90s. He was the host of Weekend Update for a while, before being fired for being "too funny". But the truth was that O.J. Simpson was friends with the producers of the show, and since Norm would make OJ joke after OJ joke, Norm was given a choice; let OJ murder him like he did his wife and a waiter, or leave as host of Weekend Update. Norm chose the latter after much consideration. Norm later recalled that he chose so because he wanted to, quote, "live".
Norm was bought back a few years later as the host for a Saturday because the show had gotten worse.
Riddle time[edit]
As a man of smartness, Norm was a fan of riddles. One time while in a cab in New York, the driver asked if Norm wanted to hear a riddle. Norm said that he did, and so the driver proceeds to say "brothers and sisters I have none, but this man's father is my father's son". Norm ponders on it for a while, before giving up. He asks the driver for the answer in which he gets the responce of "it's me". Norm accepts this as the correct answer, and then asks to be taken back to the airport despite just coming from there. The driver agrees, and takes him back to his pickup spot. Norm then boards a plane back to Canada to tell his wife about the riddle, as she too is a riddle enjoyer. Back in Canada, Norm gets back home and tells his wife the riddle. After thinking about it, she gives up and asks for the answer. Norm replies "this fucking cab driver back in New York!"
Purple water[edit]
Norm was once invited to Bill Cosby's hotel room after a show one night, as he was a big fan. While there, Cosby offered Norm a glass of water, in which Norm accepted. However, when given the cup, the water was purple, which Cosby said was just "famous people water". Norm drank the water and does not remember what happened afterwards besides from something about a Cosby cock.
Deeply closeted[edit]
Norm did NOT come out on the CONAN show, as he is a deeply closted gay man. Conan thought that Norm was coming out live on American television, so when he asked if Norm was gay, Norm said "no" — due to the fact that he is deeply closeted.
At the time, Norm was married to a real battle-axe (in order to keep up that charade — which Andy Richter knew much about). Norm awoke one morning and looked in the mirror, thinking of himself as a fat, sad, old man. He then asked his wife for a compliment. She responded that he had "perfect eyesight". WHAT A DIRTY DOG!
Later that day, the two were going for a drive past a farm that contained pigs and cows. Norm, wanting to get back at his betroved, asked her if the animals reminded her of any of her relatives. She said; "yeah, my inlaws". WHAT A DIRTY DOG!
Doctor's office[edit]
While waiting in the waiting room at the doctor's office one night, Norm was reading a pamphlet or whatever was available for reading. While reading, a moth walked in and asked to see the doctor. The doctor came out and asked the moth what seemed to be the problem. The moth then proceeded to go on a six minute ramble about how he lost his job, how his kids hate him, his wife wants a divorce, and the fact that his life is just so miserable. Upon taking it all in, the doctor asked why the moth came to him, a doctor, to tell his problems and why he didn't go to a therapist instead. The moth replied; "cause the light was on".
Memoir[edit]
In 2016, Norm released his Pulitzer Prize winning memoir, ‘Based on a True Story’. He chronicles his life and career, including such stories as the time a terminally ill child got him to use his Canadian citizenship to bring him to the frozen Canadian north so he could club a baby seal to death. After this event, the boy was miraculously cured, until meeting his demise at the hands of a New York bus just weeks later. Norm also writes fondly on his legendary ‘answering machine’ joke, which he could always rely on to rise a crowd.
Sea World[edit]
During Norm's youth (that be doesn't recall all that clearly), he was friends with the smartest kid in school. This kid was destined for great things, Norm would tell ya. He could of been the scientist to cure cancer, or the next President of Earth, or something. One day, however, the kid just moved away from the small Canadian town without telling anyone. A few years pass and Norm is at Sea World looking at the whales, penguins, and whatnot — and who does he see? A park attendant. But this attendant then directed Norm to the dolphins. While at the dolphin exhibit, who does Norm see? His old friend that just upped and left all those years ago. Norm talks to him, asking why he moved and that he was destined for great things. The kid, working at Sea World as a dolphin feeder (who was doing so at this moment), replies; "well I think I'm serving a youthful porpoise".
Move to Reno[edit]
While on the phone one day with fellow comic and actor Nick Swardson, Swardson jokingly said that he would be moving to Reno, Nevada and that Norm should join him. Norm thought that this was a great idea.
A few months later, Norm called Nick and asked when they will be moving. Nick then admitted that he was joking and wasn't serious about the move. Despite this however, Norm still thought that the move was the best idea in the world. Unfortunately, before the move to Reno could take place, Norm passed away. After his death, Nick was on the phone to one of Norm's other friends who said that the last things Norm talked about was how he was so excited about moving to Reno with Swardson.
Chairman of the Bored[edit]
Chairman of the Bored, not to be confused with Chairman of the Board, is a 1998 movie that starred Carrot Top and also Courtney Thorne-Smith. The movie was so bad and boring that Conan O'Brien told Norm to do something with it, which he did. All evidence of what Norm did with the movie was lost to time, but it is speculated that either Bill Cosby or Yoko Ono had something to do with it.
Death and battle with cancer[edit]
Since 2012, Norm has been at war with cancer. Unfortunately, on the 15th of September, 2021, the war ended in a draw as Norm died, which in turn, also meant that the cancer died along with him.