Monsters of Rock
The Monsters of Rock tour may sound like an event that stars the Cookie Monster and those Kiss-fag-wannabes Gwar, but it is, in fact, a Rock 'n' Roll tour that uses the top rock acts in the world, or at least those that agree to allow an order to be selected of who is the better artist to go on after them. Once a year this event tours over (and slightly to the left of) Europe, bringing you the biggest names in rock... provided they're still popular. People all over Europe flock to these events. Those who are not fortunate enough to live in Europe, or can not afford to travel there, would suck a cock to be at this event.
In fact, they would go beyond just sucking a cock. With no questions asked, they would accept a circle-jerk of 50 guys worth of ejaculate inside the receiver's mouth. He would then spit the cum as high up into the air as he could, do a back flip, land on his feet and regain balance, whip his head back with no remorse for whiplash, catch the load back inside his mouth, swirl the semen around inside his mouth, gargle the words "WNBC", swallow the entire amount of protein filled chunky cock snot, and smile with glee at knowing they just won a trip to the "Monsters of Rock" event.
In the beginning, a bit after 1955[edit]
The event started in 1969 when Europe was pissed off that they didn't have the chance to see Woodstock. So Europe said, "Fuck 'em, we'll have our own", so they asked Chuck Berry to headline the event, and to back him up with his supporting stars, he would have Richie Valens, Buddy Holly & The Big Fat Blobber. However, due to arguments between the three rock stars as to who was going to be second on the bill, Buddy Holly knocked the pilot unconscious, and their plane over-shot Europe by 162,000 miles before crashing into an occupied cave in Afghanistan where amongst the burning wreckage lay a dying father who made his young son promise to get America back someday by flying planes into their work place for having an American geek, a Mexican and a big fat-assed fuck land on him.
Chuck Berry ended up having to do the first show with other support acts, which featured Little Richard, Jerry Lewis, and Dean Martin. The show was considered very "wild" for the time. As many of the bad-ass youth of the day were seen looking like something from Grease; clicking their fingers to the tunes. This caused three heart attacks in little old ladies who were appalled by such behavior. The clicking fingers incident postponed the whole "Monsters of Rock" event until 1980... why, you may ask? Because it seemed like a nice round number, that's why.
1980's Monsters of Plop[edit]
In 1980 the "Monsters of Rock" show was back on. However the event was not a success. Some asshole named Donnington booked some of the shittiest bands to headline the event. With such artists names as Rainbow', Judas Priest, Scorpions & Amy Winehouse, can you really not understand why the event sucked 100 pounds of monkey cum from a 25 pound bag?
1981[edit]
In 1981 the event redeemed itself by managing to somehow convince Malcolm Young they could supply him with enough heroin to get AC/DC to headline the event. This alone would attract a few million people... and maybe the odd Whitesnake fan or two, which certainly made up for inviting the Blue Öyster Cult, Slade & some hairy assed beast named Bigfoot.
No more AC/DC for two years[edit]
The following year saw the MOR show AC/DCless... so no one went, the best band that they could come up with was ZZ Top but once you've seen the group you can never remember the name of and refer to them as "those guys with the beards" once, you've seen them all.
AC/DC are back in 84[edit]
AC/DC were brought back to headline the event once again. This even pleased other bands enough to be willing to be billed underneath such a legendary rock band, such as Van Halen, Motley Screw, Gary Mooron & even Joan Osbourne! The event sold out within seconds, and was regarded as even better then the last time AC/DC headlined the event.
The Great Depression[edit]
Without AC/DC, the event sucked between 1985 to 1991... having artists like Bon Jovi, Guns N' Roses and Gary Glitter headline the event wouldn't even prompt the Queen of England to put on her Sunday best and attend such an atrocity.
AC/DC one last time[edit]
AC/DC returned in 1992 over Sellouttica & Pantera proving that AC/DC was still the shit . In 1992 AC/DC preformed their greatest show ever and blew everyone off stage; well, those dumb enough to stand on stage while 21 cannons were blasting in front of their faces. To top it all off, they were invited to play in Russia after Rambo freed the country from the evil warlords of Zangief and M.Bison. To celebrate Russia's new freedom, everyone in Russia turned up to the MOR show to see AC/DC and broke the record of attendance for everything & anything!!!... last count was over a million people at the event, which made the event the biggest in the world, and left the founders saying "Take that Woodstock, now eat shit and die!".
No More AC/DC at the event, No more people interested[edit]
After 1993, no one bothered to show up to the event anymore. If AC/DC aren't booked to play, why bother? Over the years so many artists and bands have played the Monsters of Rock... you name it, they were there... except the Rolling Stones, who were never invited 'cause they are too fucking boring to watch, plus there was nowhere to put a fucking bridge that takes half an hour to lower itself over the crowd so the band can casually walk over it to play a 3 hour snore-fest of acoustic numbers no one wants to hear.
Since the last time AC/DC played at Monsters of Rock... no one has ever cared about the event. Until AC/DC want to give a dog a bone and headline the event again, it will remain as dead and buried as Michael Jackson's career and Michael himself.