Megalodon
| Megalodon | |
|---|---|
 One of the most terrifying organisms to disgrace the sea. | |
| Scientific classification | |
| Kingdom | Animalia |
| Class | Fishies |
| Order | Nibbler |
| Family | Chomper |
| Genus | Fuckus |
| Species | Thatus |
| Conservation status | |
| Extinct | |
Megalodon, also known by its scientific name "Fuckus Thatus" was an enlarged Goldfish created by Nazi scientists sometime during the height of the Third Reich. Megalodon were created on request for Rudolf Hess, after he commanded the creation of 600 submarines, but was informed that actual submarines were not available, as Hess did not have sufficient funds in his PayPal account. Instead, Hess payed his scientists 50,000 Reichsmarks to feed Hitler's pet goldfish ten tons of a modified growth hormone, which lead to the animal expanding rapidly. After injecting the goldfish with a small dose of dissolved bath salts to make it hyper-aggressive, and gluing smashed dinner plate fragments to the inside of its mouth, scientists returned the newly dubbed "Megalodon" to Hess, who briefly commissioned the production of an estimated seven more, before he got in trouble with PayPal for sending large outbound payments.
Fuckus Thatus still retains its unique species and genus, despite actually being genetically identical to a regular goldfish.
Discovery[edit]
The Fuckus Thatus Megalodon was first discovered by soldiers in Normandy, France during D-Day. The original Megalodon, which had been deployed by the Nazis hours before allied soldiers first swarmed the Normandy beach offered back-end support for the Nazis, eating many of the allied soldiers before they even reached land. One surviving D-Day soldier, Travis Spudgun, provided authorities with a first-hand report on the Megalodon when returning back home, but was eaten by a flying Megalodon which had been launched by axis forces through his hospital window before he could provide any major details. Of course, the appearance of the Megalodon which had appeared before the visiting authorities was enough evidence that the Nazis were up to something, and thus, the existence of giant ceramic-mouthed goldfishes was reported to then-Prime Minister Winston Churchill.
It was later discovered that the Megalodon which ate Spudgun was launched in to the side of the hospital by a Sharknado, which was also an experimental biotechnology developed by the Nazis.
Misconceptions[edit]
Paleontologists often claim that Megalodon fossils date back millions, or tens of millions of years; this, however, is a complete misconception, as, following common knowledge, Megalodon were created in the early 1900s. This misconception may come from the fact that giant sharks keep being unearthed by stupid people (Megalodon is not a shark, it is a modified goldfish that looks nothing like a shark), who are unable to draw reasonable conclusions about the fossils they are uncovering.
People often believe that Megalodon, due to their size and ferocity, should have survived in the sea for long enough to reproduce and become commonplace; this is also not logical, as Fuckus Thatus (Megalodon) are not actually their own species, but are instead drugged-up, abused goldfishes, and thus, when reproducing, would only produce regular goldfish offspring. Also, none of the Nazis' Megalodon survived WW2, as twelve weeks following the establishment of the Geneva Convention, allied forces used secret nukes to kill all of the surviving Megalodon, leaving none left in the wild.