League of Legends
“There are a lot of players but I don't know why because the game is even worse than yo mama!”
“Legends? They are all losers!”
League of Legends, also known as LoL or League of Laughables, formerly created as a spin-off to World of Warcraft, is a Mobile Online Battle Arena game (MOBA) created by Riot Games Inc[1]. It has received several awards, including the IGN consolation price of 2011.
History[edit]
The company was known as Blizzard Entertainment, today owned by Activision, created a new development team in 2006, including the names Brandon Beck, Marc Merill, and David Turley[2]. These people were actually paid for nothing each month and hadn't obviously been used to the company. However, they were given one chance, before they were fired. Their task was to create a spin-off expansion to World of Warcraft, which was named "World of Warcraft: League of Legends" by the development team.
Most things told that everything was going fine in the beginning, aside from the facts about the programming experience in the development team (Which was equal to that of a 12-year old), and sinister rumors telling that the team lacked creativity. Unfortunately, the budget of the development team was cut 40% by the Blizzard board directors, as Blizzard themselves saw the results of a massive advertising campaign on the web, which failed miserably, as the rather naive directors didn't know that most people have adblock in their browsers, or just ignore the ads. When it proved that the campaign nearly was a total waste of money and that it would have caused a massive loss to be shown in the economic year result at the end of 2006, Blizzard decided to cut their costs dramatically, just two months after that the development team was created, firing tons of personnel, and cutting budget costs.
The spin-off development team was one of the parts that suffered most, as their server division was given technology which dated out half a century ago. This budget cut did also affect the deadline of the development of the League of Legends spin-off. The rather stressed team was still in the brainstorming process, as they had wasted their time discussing side characters in Star Trek and telling penis jokes that obviously were too long. The mother company was not too pleased with their previous ideas.
A breakthrough occurred in the team when it proved that one of the members was a former member of the internet community "The Cracademy", a hacking/cracking education website that is almost impossible to access in most countries, without using proxies. The team bought a copy of the popular MOBA Dota 2, and the mentioned Cracademy member cracked the game and copy-pasted the code inside the game files. From there, the team started to modify the Dota 2 programming codes. The development team, not too familiar with programming, decided to remove some of the key tags in the code, by the reason that they were "hard to understand". This obviously caused the League of Legends spin-off to be buggy, laggy and overall of crappy quality, which strangely wasn't noticed by the ignorant development team, with an average IQ of 30. The game was reported "finished" in 2007, when it actually still was in "pre-alpha-stage" of development, and shortly after that, released onto the market. In order to play the game, one was needed to pay an extra fee of 5 US dollars each month, in addition to the usual WoW subscription cost.
After a few months, results arrived, and these results were no good news for the development team. The results proved something similar to a disaster. Aside from the lack of performance and quality as mentioned above, the reason why people didn't like the spin-off was that the similarities to the original WoW were so few that a comparison between the spin-off and the original game would have been equivalent to the comparison of a wooden door and a computer. One month later, Blizzard Entertainment decided to close down the spin-off. The development team was though able to break loss from Blizzard, and their game was saved. "World of Warcraft: League of Legends" was thereby renamed to just "League of Legends". The development team, now a free-standing company, named themselves "Riot Games".
Two months passed, before the company went bankrupt. For some unknown reason, the Russian petroleum company, Gazprom, decided to buy the bankruptcy's estate. Since then, they have always neutralized the always negative results from Riot Games by the profit earned from their overpriced natural gas, which is mainly sold in Europe. Still, the performance of the game is about the same, and only a few bugs has been fixed.
Gameplay[edit]
The main goal of the game is to waste as much time as possible.
When starting a game, the player is able to choose a game mode. There are three functioning game modes, 'Pervo vs Pervo' (PvP), 'Bots' and 'Custom'. More info on these below. There is also a fourth game mode, called 'Ranked', but it stopped working in late 2010 as Riot Games' steam-powered servers and telegraph internet cables went out of date. The other game modes were also affected by this, however, Riot Games' mother company Gazprom was earned a 1953 phone cable and a 1970 Apple Macintosh in the beginning of 2011, as pay when they sold one of their best oil wells to a Chinese company with African slaves as workers. This equipment has been used since then, and many players of LoL show their support as they are now getting an extremely low ping of 3275.
After selecting a character or a loser as they are called in the game, the game will load for 30 minutes before your session can be started.
The PvP game mode is just game sessions with other virgins, just like you, probably. Bots' game mode is where you compete against bots[3] with your other teammates, and custom games are just when you choose your own rules, which will be difficult as there aren't any rules to choose.
The game wants you to click and press buttoms so much as possible, and no, it doesn't end even if you are tired in your arms. Just like in World of Warcraft, the main goal is to click on animals, controlling the characters as they fight with sticks and pillows. However, the game world is very small, compared to the original WoW, and the framerate is only 2 FPS (frames per second), while the average framerate in WoW is 60 fps.
Whenever a game session is finished, a result stat table will show up. Most people skips to view it, as the stats are next to useless, because the numbers in the stats are random selected, and are just there to make the game look more professional.
Losers (characters)[edit]
There is a bazillion of characters in League of Legends. Well, 99.8% of them are very underpowered and lack of abilities, as the system is extremely unbalanced. The rest, 0.2%, are also terrible, but they are at least playable. The 99.8% majority of the characters are so terrible that only norwegians play them. Most characters doesn't make too much sense, as they lack of abilities, and the graphics are so bad that some characters almost are identical to each other. The only time when the characters really are making sense is in the loading screen, where you as a inpatient pervert player can sit there and masturbate to the sexy character models.[4]
As mentioned before, the characters in LoL are called losers by the game, it isn't we on Uncyclopedia that are doing something special.
Playable (but still terrible)
- Alistar - He looks like a purple fatass. If you don't like repetition, you should stay away from him, as his AI voice system repeats the sentence "Now I am angry" every four seconds.
- Blitzcrank - Is somehow able to pull in another character closer to him. His character model is almost identical to the real-life iSteve, aside from the fact that the whole of him is coloured yellow. Is terribly slow, as he runs on a steam engine. Nobody has yet played him.
- Cassiopeia - A snake that spits its teeth at anyone who tries to approach it. When it has no more teeth left, the game is finished.
- Darius - Has the ability to somehow, just like Blitzcrank, pull in another character closer to him, only the half step distance. Was supposed to look scary with all his weapons (Which are only used as decorations) and his red clothes, but the graphics are so bad that his appearance is similar to that of a happy butcher with a pig-shaped face. The game is unstable when playing this character, and there's a 60% risk of it crashing during gameplay. Still, he is played by tons of users, as a false rumour is going around that he is overpowered, while he actually is 70% less powerful in average compared to the other losers listed here.
- Garen - The only good thing about him is an ability, that let you go faster temporary when used. He has been dressed in multiple armor suits, which were supposed to make him look strong, when he actually look completely ridiculous. According to his repetitive quotes, he is a justice fag. Just like Darius, the game gets very unstable when Garen is played.
- Karthus - The only good thing about him in an ability, which, when activated, starts a rain of radioactive pork chops. These pork chops are obviously not too hazardous, and they usually miss their targets. He looks like some sort of death priest. The main problem with this guy is that the buttom you use for activating his ability lags with 10 seconds.
- Kassadin - Nobody really knows what this ancient champion does anymore, but we ban him anyways because that's what our ancestors did.
- Nocturne - A unusual good thing with this character is that he has an ability to black-out the screen temporary for other players. Unfortunately for them, in 60% of the cases when the ability was used, the screen was blacked out permanently during the game session. This character is obviously overpowered, still, he has never been banned from usage.
- Shaco - Is able to get invisible for a few seconds. He appears like a jester. His health is pretty weak compared to most characters.
- Teemo - Plants magic mushrooms which poisons all idiots who step on them. Kills anyone close to him, if he is fed.
Characters that should be avoided at all costs
- Annie - A small girl, originally designed by a pedophile, and is very light clothed. Getting caught playing her may send you into jail for possession of child pornography.
- Teemo - The most hated character in the game.
- Tryndamere - His sword is really heavy, dull and overall unpractical, as he can barely drag the damn thing around on the ground.
- Zyra - There's a very high risk of the screen freezing if playing her.
In-game shop[edit]
The in-game shop let the players buy things that they don't need, or actually, it forces players to choose one of them to buy every 2 minutes.
Many players like to discuss 'builds', item setups. However, the items doesn't make any sense actually, even if most players belive that. They are actually just there making in the sole purpose of creating the "placebo-effect", thus making the player think he/she performs better with the items, a thought that actually boosts their performance. However, most players believe that their setups aren't good enough, so they will mostly stay at the same level of performance as before.
Community[edit]
The game lobby window has a social function located at the right bottom of the window, including a list over your added friends, and the people you played with recently. You can block and message people, view their profiles and, of course, invite them to games with you, or just watch them play their own sessions (Only recommended when terribly bored), just like at most gaming networks. This system works just fine, and was one of the features that boosted the otherwise low rankings of the game. In-game and inside pre-game and past-game lobbies, a chat field can be used for communicating with your teammates and also your opponents. The entire system works incredibly fine, and was one of the features that boosted the usually rotten tomato reviews of the game. The entire community though is considered a failure by the gaming world, and it is obviously not the system the problems lies in, but the people in the community.
Most people playing LoL can't take critics, and they also like to rage at people doing mistakes in the game. Abbreviations are used so much, that an entire new language, Lolish, was born inside the community. This language is completely incomprehensible to a majority of the world population, all but nerds. An internet poll of 2011 proved that 60% of the people playing LoL are 12 year old or younger. A massive amount of older players has left the game due to the common behavior of the younger players. A ranking over gaming communities all over the world was published at Gamespot in 2012, ranking the League of Legends community second to last. The last place was taken by the community of the hated Call of Duty game franchise. The LoL community is today known all over the world for its negative attitude to everything and everybody.
Bugs[edit]
Only an half percent of all reported bugs are listed here. Otherwise, the content here would be enough to fill at least 200 different pages, all with 800 words each.
- The game sessions can sometimes bug out, making all characters invincible, and greys the surrender buttom. And if you force the game to shutdown, you will get a year-ban from Riot Games' automatic AFK-ban filter, one of the few systems at the company that actually work perfectly. The bug doesn't solve itself, and the only way to solve it is to call the Riot Games own Costumer Service, which is operated by a small group of Mountain Gorillas[5], and report about the bug, which will be fixed in approximately a month by average. Riot Games has told everybody that they have no plans to patch this bug, most likely of the cause that each call to the Costumer Service cost 5 US dollars.
- Many characters can, when played, cause the game to crash.
- It has been reported that the game sometimes won't start at all.
- Whenever a new champion is released, Yorick's or his ultimate is broken in the process and does freaky shit.