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There is nothing like a properly made keychain.

Keychains are metal/plastic/plasma objects that can be used for a variety of purposes that require unlocking. They are made only by Keychain-smiths.


Keychains are extremely common, and you can find them used everywhere, from locks, to car ignitions, to home theatres. They are usually carved using a can opener, and each carved keychain is unique to the lock that they open. Some speculate that this unlocking idea is some ancient ritual dating back to the time of the 1980s.

How Keychains Are Made[edit]

First, a keychain-smith takes a lump of metal, plastic, or plasma. Keychains vary greatly, for example, some have the ability to blind people, some make little noises, and some others are just plain cute. For these reasons, the individual steps taken to make a keychain vary from keychain to keychain. However, the basic steps are still the same.

Using the lump of thing, the keychain-smith melts it to sublimation point, and then pours the gas into a mold. After the gas has cooled to a solid, the keychain-smith can then use a can opener to carve the desired details and teeth. It is then painted a depressing shade of Rainbow Fruit-Loops-by-the-Foot, and slaves add the finishing touches to the keychain.

The keychain is then shipped to Wal-Mart, where it will have "Made In China" printed or engraved into it. These are finally shipped back to the buyer.


Many people who use keychains often like to hang keys on their keychains. The purposes for this is unknown, but statistics show that there is a 73% possibility that they hang keys to personalise their keychains. This is shown through a recent study which proved that hanging keys on your keychains increased personalisation factor by almost 20%, and increases your sexual performance by more than 51%! BUY NOW!!!!!

Unfortunately, children often have the misconception that keys are used to open locks, and that keychains are used as decoration. This is simply not true.

High-Tech Keychains[edit]

Recently, keychain-smiths have been making an unprecedented number of high-tech keychains (ex. iPods, keychain lasers, King Gidorahs). This has caused a huge boom in the keychain industry, and nowadays, the average keychain-smith makes an average annual income of Infinity Japanese Yen/ ¥ ∞ ( approximately $50 USD).

See Also[edit]