Kenny Powers
“I want to fuck Kenny Powers.”
“I want to fuck Kenny Powers, but he won't let me because he's not gay!”
Kenneth "Kenny" Powers is pretty much the most badass fucking ball player that ever lived, and will ever live... ever. During his immaculate baseball career as a famous pitcher, he fucked a whole bunch of chicks and got accused of shit that he didn't necessarily do and also he fucked a whole bunch of chicks.
Kenny grew up in Shelby, North Carolina, and then left to become a celebrity. He's really good at everything he does and people respect him. That's what makes him an American fucking hero. He's proud of his heritage and where he came from, but goddammit, nobody fucking helped him get to where he is now, that shit was all him.
Kenny dropped out of the third grade when he was a kid, but then he went back a year later because he was like "fuck getting a job, right?" This is around the time he started training to become the king of baseball.
The Early Years[edit]
When Kenny was 8 years old, his parents Jimbo and Rhonda Powers got married. During their extended honeymoon of 4 years, he spent his summers at his grandfather's house learning how to throw a ball at shit. His grandfather was baseball hall-of-famer Austin "Raging Cock" Powers. Kenny took to the sport like a fly on a homeless kid's eyeball. His grandfather saw great potential in him, so he signed him up for the church youth league.
Since most of the kids at Kenny's church were a bunch of fags, Kenny had no problem whooping the fuck out of those little fairies. There was one kid who Kenny became close friends with who wasn't a fairy, but rather a damn good fast Big Wheel driver, his name was Ricky Bobby. Kenny and Ricky ended up being something fucking fearsome to reckon with, but after Ricky moved further South, Kenny felt pissed off more and more at his fellow teammates. But the reason for Kenny's success was not due to those kids sucking so bad at baseball... NO... He was a born fucking champion and he was probably an unfair competition.
After 3 months in the church league, Kenny needed some real fucking opponents so he signed up at the local high school. He was the first 11-year-old ever to play on a high school baseball team. He even gave those fuckers a run for their money. This is also when Kenny got his first fucking "Jheri-Mullet" hairstyle that he has now. This is also when he got his first pair of loud fucking pants which he named "Wacky". Being in middle school and playing ball on a high school team was a major reason why Kenny was introduced to pussy so early in life. Also because chicks fucking dig Jheri-mullets and loud fucking pants! Fucking chicks before your balls drop makes you more of a fucking man... but you guys probably haven't experienced anything like that.
Kenny also has a brother named Dustin, who isn't as good at sports as Kenny. His brother still lives in Shelby with his wife and their three bastard children. Kenny was forced to grow up with Dustin and pretend to be his friend because he wanted to fuck his mother,Bertha. Even though Kenny was better than Dustin. Dustin didn't have any friends other than Kenny. Dustin has always admired Kenny and wished he could be as good of a competitive athlete as Kenny.
The Minor Leagues[edit]
When Kenny was a freshman in high school, he got drafted into the minor leagues, and so his career of professional baseball took flight. According to Kenny, "the minor leagues were just that... minor". Kenny's grandmother could throw a ball better than those limp-wristed queers. But we've all got to start somewhere, right? Fucking minor leagues.
It was during this "warm-up" period in Kenny's life that he discovered the wonderful world of alcohol. At the age of 13, Kenny learned that not only was a good fucking ball player, but he could drink a shit ton of beer and still do normal stuff. He became somewhat of a beer and pussy aficionado.
The coaches told him that if he didn't quit drinking, he'd never make it to the majors. Well, whoopty-fucking-do, look who's wrong about shit now motherfuckers! On a side note, they never said anything about the effect that pussy and fucking and ass would have on his chances of making it into the majors.
Baseball scouts started taking notice of Kenny's pitching abilities after about a week of playing in the minors. What can I say, talent ain't that fucking hard to spot from the stands, is it?
Rise to Celebrity[edit]
As soon as speculation about Kenny's drafting to the majors started, the money started pouring in. Kenny was getting checks from all sorts of sports companies wanting to sponsor his ass. Kenny bought his first mansion when he 18 years old. It was fucking decked out to the fucking roof with all sorts of awesome shit. Sports memorabilia, porn, kick ass furniture, all that sorts of shit.
He started doing television interviews and then fucking the hosts (if they were female and hot)... he wasn't fucking Rosie O'Donnell or anything if that's what you're thinking. They gave him big ass checks to cash and fucking took billions of pictures of him.
Kenny wasn't used to the spot light, and some people say it got the better of him. Those people are fucking retarded! His drug use wasn't caused by his super-stardom. Fuck y'all. He started doing drugs because they fucking felt good and he met a lot of good contacts that way. At super celebrity parties, Kenny would bring the blow and meet tons of fucking hot chicks and potential career connections. At one party in particular, Kenny met Duke "The Hand" Robinson, owner of the Atlanta Braves, who would offer him a professional MLB major fucking league contract.
The Majors[edit]
Ok so this is pretty much where things really get blown the fuck up for Kenny. He started playing for Atlanta, a predominantly black city, which is cool, but damn, and was the best fucking player on the roster within like a month, or less than a month even. He was throwing baseballs at 100 mph. 100 fucking M-P-motherfucking-H!! This was not good for the other teams. They were, as Oscar Wilde would put it, fucked!
As the years passed, Kenny just got better and better at pitching and other areas of baseball. He was a superstar athlete, IS a superstar athlete. His talent was just too big for one little podunk team to handle. Contracts were getting shoved in his face on the daily. Money would not stop soaking through the ceiling of his expensive house.
He played for several teams in the MLB, but none of them really had much to offer. He needed to branch out and show more of his abilities, like speaking, fucking, and writing audio books.
"You're Fucking Out... I'm Fucking In"[edit]
Kenny's self-help audio book titled "You're Fucking Out... I'm Fucking In" became the fastest selling audio book in the history of reading. The New York Times put that shit on their best-seller's list.
Basically, the book is about how fucking awesome Kenny Powers is and how much better he is than everyone else at everything that he does. There is a wealth of knowledge contained in the writings of Kenny Powers. Just go buy the fucking thing, pop that shit in your tape player, and listen to him tell you how the fuck it is.
I mean, just look at what people said about it:
"The words of Mr. Powers helped me realize how great he is and how much better of an athlete he is than me... Thanks Kenny!" -Roger Clemens
"Not only is Kenny Powers a great athlete, but he's a great fucking writer too!" -Tiger Woods
"Kenny Powers is not a douche bag, and he has never done steroids like I have." -Barry Bonds
"You're fucking out! Just kidding, you're fucking in!" -Ernest Hemingway
Claims of steroid use[edit]
A lot of people have claimed that Kenny Powers has used performance enhancing steroids. These people are pussies who can't comprehend the athleticism of Kenny Powers. He doesn't need steroids to fucking throw a ball harder than any human being on the face of the planet. That's called skill and training. Kenny trains all the time!!! And he works out... just like every other FUCKING ASSHOLE THAT'S EVER GOTTEN TO BE WHERE THEY ARE WITHOUT USING STEROIDS!
AND JUST IN CASE YOU DON'T BELIEVE HIM, CHECK HIS BALLS!! THEY'RE NOT FUCKING SHRUNKEN, THEY'RE FULL SIZE! FUCK YOU! WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? ACCUSING THE MOST BAD-FUCKING-ASS BALL PLAYER IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD OF USING PERFORMANCE ENHANCING METABOLIC STEROIDS WHEN IT JUST ISN'T THE GODDAMN TRUTH... GODDAMMIT!!!
KENNY POWERS EATS YOUR LITTLE PUSSY FUCKING ASS SHITSTAINS FOR BREAKFAST!! YOU FUCKING FAGS ARE THE REASON BASEBALL PLAYERS GET A BAD REPUTATION!! FUCK YOU!! AND FUCK YOU TOO! PEACE OUT!
I'M GOING TO SHA-BOOMS!!!