Johnny Rockets

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
A Johnny Rockets dining room after a customer coughed violently.

Johnny Rockets is an American 1950s-themed diner chain with locations nationwide. The service and food they strive to provide are always 100%-authentically "'50s". From the classic burgers, fries, and Coke to the Americana antiques, chrome Googie/midcentury decor, lead-painted walls, segregated seating and bathrooms, and '50s songs on the jukebox, this is wholly a '50s-dining experience. Well, other than the fact that they also play '60s music like Aretha Franklin and Simon & Garfunkel on the jukebox.


Goldie Wilson, a five-time "Token Janitor of the Month" at the Hill Valley, California location.

As far as the people you'll meet at Johnny Rockets, there's always a waitress with a bouffant beehive hairdo to take your order, the jolly overweight Brooklyn-accented man at the cook station, the leather-jacketed teenage greaser with a toothpick in his mouth who says "Ayy" and bangs his fist on the jukebox (sometimes smashing it by accident, causing his hand to gush blood everywhere as he snaps his fingers), the lanky Mid-Atlantic boy and Southern belle who do the boogie-woogie together and say "Golly gee", the little blond-haired kid who says "Gee whiz mister", the soc bullies who say "Get outta my way or I'll eat you!", and your friendly neighborhood token negro coming around to sweep the floors whilst singing and dancing. When an especially-groovy song is playing on the jukebox, waiters and waitresses dim the lights and perform choreographed dances, sometimes pulling customers out of their seats and forcing them to dance along (à la Bono).


Johnny Rockets has segregated seating, for the extra-special "'50s" experience. They take pride in giving you the ability to sit and enjoy your meal with your white friends, away from the coloreds, just like white folks did in the 1950s. However, if you do want to sit with your colored friends, you can feel free to do so in the "colored section". You will, of course, be leered at and berated by the other white patrons, but trust in the fact that they don't mean any of it; it's all a part of the fun and exciting atmosphere of Johnny Rockets! Bathrooms are also segregated as well, divided between "Squares" and "Cool Cats"; it's up to you to figure out which group is which.


The menu at Johnny Rockets features wholly-fattening food of the '50s, from a more innocent time when people didn't have to worry about such inconveniences as "health concerns" and "nutritional facts". This includes "mad cow" and e. coli-free greasy hamburgers, glass-bottled ketchup, mustard, and mayonnaise (none of that plastic bottle nonsense here), whole milk milkshakes (shaken, not stirred), fat-filled French fries, and simple and elegant Coca-Cola Classic with real sucrose (you won't find any of that PC-era "Diet", "HFCS", or "Zero" Coke here).

See also[edit]