Jello Biafra
“Please stay on the air”
Sir Jellatin Kennedy Biafra III (born June 17, 1958), now known as Jello Biafra (pronounced in Spanish as "Ch-ello Bee-afrrrra"), is considered one of the most skilled, operatic, and non-warbling singers ever. His distinctive clean, perfectly-anunciated singing has been his claim to fame, singing for such conservative, republican doo-wop groups such as the Reagan Lovers, the Super Conservatives, and We Love Nazis. When Jello was asked to join a new band called the Cambodian Tourism Board, he turned left-wing. The Cambodian Tourism Board would soon change their name to the Dead Kennedys.
Jello is also notable for his stage presence. While performing live, Jello dances around with no shirt, covered in sweat, and leaps around stage while yelling his lyrics out-of-time. Guitarist East-Bay Ray claims this is a result of an adrenalin rush - Biafra himself blames epilepsy, which causes him to have a seizure on stage. When his live shows are being especially recorded on audio (namely for studio albums), the band play like normal people[1]. Jello originally claimed this has everything to do with his proud conservatism, which is why he scams his audience into buying tickets to see them live, as the audience expect to hear a quality set list (ever since his conversion to libertarianism, he denies ever saying this).
Early life[edit]
Jello Biafra was born Jellatin Kennedy Biafra III, into a wealthy home somewhere on the east coast. His parents were hardcore punks. When his parents abandoned Jello and their fortune to live in an apartment above CBGB's, Jello discovered his grandparents' doo-wop record collection and was forever changed.
He shortened his name to Jello Biafra, because his birthname was just too fucking long and confusing for anyone to understand. He also cut is hair into a ridiculous retro style that required the entire contents of the Exxon Valdez to style. He also stole one of his parents' leather jackets, removed all the patches from it and turned the collar up. His transformation into a greaser was complete.
One day, Jello's parents returned from their five-year pilgrimage to CBGB's. To their horror they discovered the now hair-greased, leather-jacket-wearing, boopadoopadoop singing Jello. His parents, all four of them, kicked Jello out of the house and said he couldn't come back till he listened to music that wasn't shit.
Career[edit]
In the 70s, Jello walked into a music store in San Francisco (music stores existed back then) and asked specifically for "music that wasn't shit". The storekeeper stared at him as if he were a retard, for there was no such thing as white people music that wasn't shit at this time, and black people music was banned from US stores. However, just as he was about to kick Jello out, the radio at the till announced that Punk rock had just been invented. Jello was given a collection of Ramones and Sex Pistols records and told to piss off.
Jello, now homeless, committed various crimes in order to secure himself a nice home at the local prison, at the taxpayers expense. Jello was now cellmates with Clark Kent's son, Ray Kent, who looked just like his father. Ray was in prison for being part of the Cambodian tourist board, attracting gullible Americans into going for holidays in Cambodia, where the slum's got so much soul. The Americans would arrive in Cambodia and would instantly die out during the reign of Pol Pot and the Legion of Doom (his father's arch-nemesi). Ray was charged with the manslaughter of American citizens, as opposed to poor Cambodian peasants, which would be perfectly legal.
At the taxpayers' further expense, the two were allowed gramophones in their cells and they shared their mutual love of rock music to one another; Jello shared with him his newly found punk records and Ray shared with Jello his favourite surf rock music. Without thinking his stupid idea through, Ray decided to combine the two genres, and Jello Biafra changed the name of the band from the Cambodian Tourist Board to the Dead Kennedys, after Biafra's favourite US president, Jimmy Carter (the "dead" prefix was supposed to make him look left-wing, as that's what he'd become).
After they were released, Ray Clark dropped his surname and added the prefix "East Bay", so that his passport read "Ray, East Bay". His dad was disappointed that his son became a "rebellious" punk rocker as opposed to an awesome superhero like him, and thus distanced himself in interviews from the Dead Kennedys. Jello simply told him to "fuck off" and called him "sell-out" and "republican", while failing to confront Mr Kent face-to-face. Jello laughed when Mr Kent suffered an accident that left him a quadriplegic. An angry Mr Kent "pointed out" (presumably with his fist) that it wasn't him who was paralysed, but the actor that played him in a biopic (was it Christopher Lloyd?).
After releasing various albums to no success, primarily because Jello kept telling his fans to pirate his albums, Jello finally realised they were supposed to pay for his albums, and Jello said famously "I'm sorry, can you please pay me for those?". His fans erupted with rage, so he said "Hehe, j-just kidding!". Several jocks came to beat him up, to which Jello defended, claiming they were his "friends" and that they were "just having fun". The Kennedys released four singles; "Holiday in Cambodia", a song about how genocide can spice up your family holidays, "California Über Alles", a song about some obscure 70s politician that is irrelevant now (but nevertheless they still play the song live), "MTV Stay on the Air", a song begging MTV to stay on the air, and "Police Truck", a song about police trucks. With the exception of the MTV song, all of these singles were from the album "Give Me Convenience and Buy Our Album".
Allegedly, Pol Pot is said to have loved the album so much he wrote a letter to Jello Biafra to thank him for such a wonderful gift, writing said letter using the blood of executed Cambodian Christians. Jello Biafra said there must have been some kind of mix up, since he specifically didn't like Pol Pot or his evil Khmeghghouge. After hearing that Biafra wanted his songs banned from Cambodian premises, Pol Pot made his music the national anthem just to piss Biafra off even more. Biafra wrote several angry worded letters to the US government telling them they must wage war on Cambodia. This pissed the people off so much they refused to pay any money for Dead Kennedys songs or gigs. Biafra didn't care, but the rest of the Kennedys conspired behind his back to get him out of the band because they were losing money fast.
Solo Career[edit]
After the 80s, the rest of the band decided Jello Biafra was being a douche who wouldn't let them sell out like the rest of the band agreed. So they beat him up, took his possessions and his wallet, and left him in a dumpster. Jello told interviewers how it was "very funny! Ha ha ha!", and went on to start a solo career selling "spoken word albums" (like his Punk rock albums, except without any instruments to accompany Jello's rambling). To this day, Jello has not rejoined with the Dead Kennedys - Jello talked about the experience: "the joke's on them, because I own the record label!". The Dead Kennedys have not released an album since Jello was not a member, and thankfully they may not any time soon.
Presidential Campaign[edit]
In 2000 Jello went into DC and requested he be ran for president with Mumia Abu Jamal. When the White House told him to go fuck himself, he settled on the smaller title of mayor of San Francisco. He mixed serious laws (to improve police funding, to prevent car smoke from affecting urban areas, to play loud Punk rock) with retarded ones (all business men must have tiny balls, uncool nieces must come quietly to the camp, clowns are evil and must die). Politicians suggest this might, just might have had something to do with his results; a measly 3%. Biafra was thrown out of the mayor's office and told to go fuck himself.
Death[edit]
We apologise for getting your hopes up, but sadly Jello Biafra is still alive. Of course, being kicked out of The Dead Kennedys left him homeless, but he's still alive.
See also[edit]
Notes[edit]
- ↑ except for on their first studio album, which is on par with their live shows