Uncyclopedia:Anniversaries/January 1

A picture of the universe later this year.

January 1: International "Let's Get Hammered!" Day (not including Saudi Arabia), New Year's Day (Ireland)

• 5,985,895,625 BCE - Satan invents time. God steals Satan's invention, kicks him in the nuts, and begins creating the blueprint for humanity. In disgust, Satan gets hammered, creating another blueprint for humanity.
• 1237 BCE - Thor misinterprets the holiday and manages to destroy half the universe.
• 0 - Worldwide fireworks displays celebrating new year mistaken for creation of light by God.
• 404 - First time predictions of an apocalypse are found to be untrue, as a global 404 Error does not occur.
• 1912 - Women learn how to vote, albeit through the strict instruction of men.
• 1918 - Prohibition starts in the U.S. and the day becomes Let's Pretend We're Not Getting Hammered Even Though We Already Were Buzzed From Last Night Day.
• 1954 - Second World War begins (Canada only).
• 1983 - New Year's Day is invented by U2 in song. A quick followup, Groundhog Day, fails to catch the public's fancy and the band is forced to flee to Bulgaria.
• 1989 - It's Hammer Time, but everyone is already too hammered to notice initially.
• 2000 - Y2K bug fails to destroy internet; few are disappointed.
• 3000 - Fry gets defrosted, makes friends with a suicidal robot. After 4 or 5 velvet hammers each, they walk into traffic and are run over by George Jetson.
• 10000 - IT consultants fail to fix Y10K 2: Electric Boogaloo. People have come to expect this from Microsoft by now.