Jaegers
“Jaegers! They fill the enemy with fear and themselves with booze!”
“In Russia jaegers are scared of YOU! No wait... EVEN in Russia YOU´re scared of jaegers!”
The most powerful unit in Finnish army, the jaegers or jääkärit have played a very important role on different warscenes. They personally won the Winter War, kicked the shit out of Russians during the Continuewar (or as Finns call it, Jatkosota) and invented Koskenkorva aka kossu.
Greatest victory ever achieved by the jaegers was during World War 2. On june 6. 1944 allied forces tried an invasion on two fronts: Normandy and Calais. Two jaegers, Matti and Riku, were having a holiday in Calais and they achieved to kill over 5,984,948 Germans supported by 18,939 tanks, half the German army anywhere in the World, and nuked Calais to a stinking hellhole. More than it already was. The Allies thus cancelled the invasion of Calais and concentrated it on Normandy.
Of course, because allied forces won the war, the Soviets claimed that the incident at Calais was caused by the Germans discovering there was only one bottle of Schnapps left. But still, even today, the French living in Calais remember two Finnish Jaegers, armed with Suomi-submachineguns and great logs, Killing millions of Germans and yelling "Perkele!" each time they reached bodycount of another million enemies.
The proof that the defeat in Calais happened, is buried under the bridge which links the Not So Great Britain to Europe. The bridge was naturally built by the Germans not for the intelligent reason of invading England using its army, but only to cover the shameful defeat. But in the Finnish warmuseum you can still see the two pistols which Riku took as trophies from beaten General Rommel. German historians are still today trying to deny what happened, claiming that it´s impossible for two men alone to kill total of 5,984,948 people, using only logs and submachineguns. Well, duh! They're jaegers, not men.
Unluckily for the Allies, Matti and Riku had to come back to Finland, because their plane was leaving on June 7. From Normandy the allied forces succeeded to liberate French and conquer the German city of Hamburg, thus supplying the troops with fresh hamburgers.
It´s surprising, but Grues can indeed be killed, but only by a jaeger. No one knows exactly how, but the killing includes dramatic music, a Quentin Tarantino directed scene and a log.
Origin of the jaegers is unknown. First documented appearance of jaegers is when they destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah, the two first cityes built in the 3 inch wide village of Poland.
Jaegers play an important role during the viking time, when Olav the Holy and his merry men made an invasion to Finland. Men, women an children fled from their homes and took their property with them. Jaegers were inventing Gin and Tonic at that time, and didn´t get bothered about thousands of viking pillaging and burning buildings around them. The Olav and his men raped some farm animals, thus producing Centaurs for years supply. One of Olav´s men went and tried to steal some Gin from the jaegers. They of course got pissed off and started an massacre amongst Olav´s troops. They sailed away in panic, but because of the Baltic sea consisting of water, the jaegers were unable to cut Olav´s getaway by drinking the sea dry, as they did when Moses wanted to escape with the other Jew´s from Egypt.
Weaponry[edit]
Finnish jaegers use many weapons, basically because they have to. Most common basic weapon is a Suomi-submachinegun. Another weapon, forbidden by the UN, is a log. Logs are used to stop enemy tanks (seriously!) by pushing one in tanks caterpillar tread. Tank will be jammed, so that it can be put on fire. Log is also used as a close combat weapon in technique called "Kur moo ta", which was taught to jaegers by beavers.
Kur moo ta means that you hit the bodily fluids out of the opponent with a log.
Another great invention made by a jaeger is the Molotov´s cocktail. It´s a bottle filled with gasoline. You throw it towards the opponent and wait. After a while you can use the opponents remains to grill some sausages. Obviously it was invented while trying to discover new ways to serve alcohol.
However, the true weapon of choice of any self respecting Jaeger is anything with Suomi in its name, including Suomi puukko, Suomi konepistooli and Suomi viina ie. Suomi-knife, Suomi-submachine gun and Suomi-vodka, however the last is replaceable by paloviina (cut cognac), koskenkorva (kossu) or Leijona viina (Lion vodka) and will not be spent on enemies.
Other true stuff about jaegers[edit]
It´s a well-known fact, that the Jedi`s were originally trained by Jaegers. "May the force be with you" is actually quoted in Pori Brigade by the 1. Jaeger Company. The true form of quote is "May the Finnish Rapid Deployment Force be with you"
It´s predicted in the Kabbala, that Oscar Wilde will meet his ultimate doom in the hands of a jaeger, while the jaegers hands are shaking a Martini.
Ass kicking was invented by jaegers, when they meet sumo wrestlers in Japan. When jaegers discovered, that sumo´s are able to rise their testicles so that the nutkicking-tactic would do no damage jaegers started kicking ass instead of balls. This led to the downfall of sumo´s as they started to gain weight and grease to protect their asses from severe kicks.