I Am Legend (novel)
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“What? No. I wrote that shit... I mean, I wrote that amazing book myself.”
“I dunno man, he looks DODGY”
“I'm offended by the explicit sexuality”
I Am Legend is a 1954 horror fiction novel that American writer Dick Matheson plagiarised from a unknown source, before severing the original writer's neck from their head with a blunt knife, and disposing of the body in a vat of acid.
Plotline[edit]
There is no plot-line as such, and it is believed that the original writer got really pissed and just wrote whatever the hell he liked. This would explain why it is such a short book, and is never finished (you never get the read the excruciating detail of his execution)- the author most likely passed out from the alcohol before the end.
The most likely turn of events is that Dick Matheson's intentions were to finish the book himself after killing the drunk man (how hard could it be?) although most likely realised too late that this was an impossible feat and just published the unfinished book, labelling it a short-novel to try and pull the wool over everybody's eyes. To this date, he had succeeded, and would have continued to had I not debunked it for the world.
Did you know?[edit]
The protagonist is a convicted paedophile called Robert Neville, whose medical skills (learnt by injecting date-rape drugs into small children) aid him in his attempts to cure the vampiric disease that threatens the country's economy While Dick Matheson vehemently denies that the protaganist is a paedophile, the truth is clearly shown in the descriptions of Neville's feelings for a certain 'woman', who is actually about half his age and flat-chested (citation needed).
Streamline[edit]
The story is pretty chronological, although Neville sometimes reflects on memories no one gives a shit about. This makes the book have a somewhat streamline feeling, and only on occasion are readers forced to say 'wait, what the fuck' and re-read the paragraph.
Strong topics[edit]
The entire novel is basically a huge euphanism, with many subtle references to masturbation, such as when he finds a hard object in his trousers unexpectedly, after holding a conversation with a real woman for over 10 seconds, for the first time in his life. This is deeply ironic in that he eventually finds out this 'woman' is an evil super-vampire spying on him for the other vampires.
Other topics include descriptions of his avid desire to murder a vampire who was once his neighbour. While not explicitly stated, anal rape is heavily implied, alongside other ideas such as necrofilia (vampires are technically dead).
Controversy[edit]
While officially released as an action/horror book, it would appear to be more likely a romance book; the main character totally hugged a girl about 2/3 through the book. HOLY SHIT, how is this stuff even legal?! TOO MUCH I say, too much!
Furthermore, the book centers around a man trying to survive in a world where vampires are reigning. However, in the 2007 film I Am Legend the creatures are clearly much closer to uber-zombies than vampires. It is my belief that Dick Matheson should've watched the film before publishing the plagiarised book that was full of crap and inaccurate details.
Influence[edit]
Some people on wikipedia claim that I Am Legend had a large influence on the zombie genre.
However, this is obviously untrue because the book is about vampires, not zombies. DUH!
When such obviously wrong conclusions are made by the stupid general populus, it is easy to see how Dick Matheson's actions (i.e. plagiarising the ENTIRE FUCKING BOOK) went (almost) unnoticed.
Adaptations[edit]
As aforementioned, the book is an adaptation of the 2007 film I Am Legend.
The book itself though, has had several adaptations;
- The Last Man on Earth (1964)
- The Omega Man (1971)
- Pride and Prejudice (many versions spanning almost a century)
Sales Figures[edit]
Between 1954-2000 about 7 copies were sold, all to members of the author's family.
However, sales spiked in 2001 when an order of 100 books was sent through. This was later traced to a secret lab in Germany, where scientists were trying to make a vampiric disease which they could harness to revive Hitler and take over the world with.
Siege[edit]
Armed Forces attempted to storm the faclity in 2001, August 3rd, at roughly 15:00. However, the operation was delayed by a day because several members of the assault force were suffering symptoms of severe diarrhea.
When finally executed, the siege was extremely succesful, and 'only a few' people died. Exact figures have been withheld to this date.
Modern Day Sales[edit]
Ever since then, sales have been at a moderate rate, with an average of half a book being sold every 7 months or so.
However, illegal downloading of the book in .pdf form has hit an all time high (most likely due to the invention of computers and the internet, although other factors like Global Warming also come into play).
Current figures show the book has been downloaded for free over 9000 times more than the book has been bought.