In MS Paint With One Arm, While Furiously Masturbating
In MS Paint With One Arm, While Furiously Masturbating, originally known simply as With One Arm, While Furiously Masturbating, is a popular postmodern interpretation, often applied to classical works. The scope of this style is not entirely limited to artwork, as well-known editions of Fyodor Dostoevsky's novel Crime and Punishment and Radiohead's sophomore album The Bends have been made in recent years.
History
The style was born nameless some time during the middle ages, when a German sect of Gregorian monks in self-imposed isolation would practice the arts while pleasuring themselves to pass the time. The tapestries and manuscripts they created during these time were of unique design bearing almost no resemblance to those created by more conservative sects that frowned upon frequent [1] masturbation. Lacking the intricacies and detailed engravings of their contemporaries, the work of the Seed-Wasters[2] instead focused on the passion and entropy that lay beneath the surface of the artwork. This was, however, considered to be faint praise for a style that exhibited little to no effort and, occasionally, gratuitous semen stains.
With One Arm, While Furiously Masturbating temporarily died out, due to the sect's conspicuous inability to reproduce and attract new members. It resurfaced during the Renaissance when a band of travelling minstrels happened upon the abandoned enclave and looted their shoddy pictures. Returning to Venice, they debuted the stolen goods to their patron noble, who was fascinated by the deliberate half-assing and mysterious yellow stains that adorned the corners. It would still be another couple hundred years until the console of Microsoft Paint would be developed to assist in production, but the heart and soul of the rejuvenated style continued well into the 20th Century through haphazard use of watercolors and Vaseline.
Richard Von Liebenstein
Richard Von Liebenstein, revolutionizer of the genre, began his prolific lifetime of work accidentally in 2004, the day after signing his divorce papers. Liebenstein, an art history professor, had nowhere else to turn when he stumbled upon a file of dust-collecting paintings at the Yale Gallery of Classic Arts en route to shooting himself in front of a lecture hall full of students. Liebenstein, who became an alcoholic and chronic masturbator after his wife left him for his heavy drinking and compulsive masturbating, was inspired by the quarter-assed artwork to pursue a career of his own in the long-neglected style of With One Arm, While Furiously Masturbating.
He quit his respectable and high-paying job, as any good artist would, to isolate himself in the quiet regions of the Catskill Mountains and develop the unique style beyond its established boundaries. He experimented with pastels, oils, human blood, tiger blood, and finally tears, all while furiously masturbating. All he tried, however, was noticeably sub-par to the works he tried to replicate. The breakthrough came when, nearly spent, he logged onto his computer to finish himself with some good old-fashioned pornography, only to realize there was no internet connection deep in the catskill mountains. He resorted to creating his own Badly Drawn Porn in MS Paint when the idea hit him: if he could draw a shitty vagina to pleasure himself, he could pleasure himself and draw a really shitty Starry Night at the same time.
He composed two-hundred and fifty pieces, all now considered exemplary of the genre, and coined the term In MS Paint With One Arm, While Furiously Masturbating over the next four nights. He died an unmourned death the following morning after passing out from a massive blood clot in his penis as a result of not moving and furiously masturbating for 96 hours straight. A wandering band of minstrels happened upon his cabin a few months later, and, as they say, history repeated itself.[3]
Legacy
Liebenstein's original work garnered hosannas from the critical community, but it was his interpretations of famous pieces that set the standard from the modern genre. Most fans cite his copy of Edvard Munch's The Scream as his magnum opus. A review somehow published in the New York Times called it "a spot-on interpretation of classic art in this post-modern world. The unique "polygon" construction of the titular screaming head is more unsettling than the original, while Liebenstein's mastery of curved lines effectively recreates the expressionist atmosphere."
The Liebenstein Collection was auctioned off at Sotheby's for a record-observing $6 million. It is fittingly owned by Paul Reubens, who called it the most important factor in his return to acting.
Commercial Success
The style quickly became extremely popular in Europe, its effortless aura marvelous to behold and difficult to reproduce,[4] but technically didn't achieve success until it became popular in America, the only place where success counts. This didn't occur until very recently, in late 2009, when cultural icon Lady GaGa announced that she was a connoisseur of the genre, having taken a class about it at the local community center. She made headlines in disreputable newspapers on January 31, 2010 when she showed up to the 52nd Annual Grammy Awards wearing nothing but a computer and multiple vibrators,[5] sparking a fashion trend and a newfound interest in art that hadn't been present since America was still technically part of Europe.
The art form is widely circulated on the internet and most popular on blogs, where amateur artists sketch their own interpretations of classical pieces, or otherwise. Possibly the most famous non-art rendition is an interpretation of Radiohead's album The Bends, which gained popularity when it was featured on Live! With Regis and Kelly. This re-imagining of the album visualized each song as the product of furious masturbation. While the standout production was "High and Dry," a coarse illustration that perfectly captured the feeling of masturbating while being high and dry, the instantly recognizable album cover received the most distribution. The cover of the album's cover was, in fact, covered by the band itself a week later when Thom Yorke and artist Tyler Corey happened upon each other during a circle jerk/art seminar in Bristol.
Developments in In MS Paint With One Arm, While Furiously Masturbating
In MS Paint With One Arm, While Furiously Masturbating has seen considerable artistic growth as a style since its humble Dark Age inception. Most noticeably, the invention of MS Paint has allowed it to fulfill its whole namesake truthfully, moving it a step ahead of the comparatively archaic precursor With One Arm, While Furiously Masturbating, briefly described above.[6] This proto-style, though rarer and certainly with its own merits, fails to capture the complete lack of artistry that In MS Paint With One Arm, While Furiously Masturbating requires.
Since the addition of MS Paint, the style has branched off into several directions. One camp, named "The Furies," produce works with sharper angles and deeper hues, channeling the rage present during the simultaneous masturbation. Another offshoot, dubbed "The Fabios" after model/actor Fabio, focus on the more sensual aspects of self-pleasure. Artists in this vein often utilize tender MS Paint effects such as the spray can.
The most acclaimed contemporary In MS Paint With One Arm, While Furiously Masturbating work has come from those who call themselves "MS-inimalist" or "Deconstrutorbators." Adam Scott, former plumber, broke into the art world with his unique portfolio of In MS Paint With One Arm, While Furiously Masturbating art: a collection of .bmp images that bear almost no resemblance to the pieces they allegedly interpret, spare the title and certain conceptual details. These deconstructions of an already vaguely deconstructionist art have been heralded as revolutionary by most critics, but as missing the point of art entirely by actual artists. His collection can be found at the Pompidou in Paris on the same laptop he used to compose the images, complete with crusted-over keyboard and wastebasket full of petrified tissues.
Gallery
"High and Dry In MS Paint With One Arm, While Furiously Masturbating" by Tyler Corey. Allegedly, Corey experienced severe blue balls during the production of the Vaseline can, accidentally filling the entire background with petroleum jelly. The artist has since tried to pass it off as "symbolic."
"My Iron Lung, In MS Paint With One Arm, While Furiously Masturbating" by Tyler Corey, eighth in The Bends series. According to Corey, "You can see quite plainly that Thom Yorke is not happy in this one. This is probably because he is in an iron lung."
"Great Wave Off Kanagawa In MS Paint With One Arm, While Furiously Masturbating" by Adam Scott, from his 36 Views of Art While Checking Out Naked Japanese Girls.
"The Anatomy Lesson of Dr. Nicolaes Tulp In MS Paint With One Arm, While Furiously Masturbating" by John Luciani. It's curious to note the use of the spray can for the doctors' neckwear, but not the patient's blood. The smaller amount of doctors also points to premature ejaculation of the artist, or a reduction in the doctor's guild.
"The Brothers Karamazov In MS Paint With One Arm, While Furiously Masturbating" by Sergei Chlorenstein. Mentioned in The Portland Star's list of "Top 10 Essential In MS Paint With One Arm, While Furiously Masturbating Pieces" for its flawless integration of various brush styles.
"The Son of Man In MS Paint With One Arm, While Furiously Masturbating" by Jorge Benson. Part of his infamous "Damaged Goods" series, where a crucial detail is misapplied right at the moment of climax, such as the light green oval in this tribute to the Magritte masterpiece of the same name.
"Michelangelo's David In MS Paint With One Arm, While Furiously Masturbating" by Pierre LaTrec. LaTrec started the revolutionary trend of transcribing sculpture into MS Paint with this piece, though the piece itself has been criticized for inattention to details. "It is hard to remember the nipples of David," said LaTrec, "when you are thinking so vigorously of Kimmy's own."
Footnotes
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