ID Cards

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Helen Keller's high school ID Card.

ID Cards are an extremely popular and excellent idea which will immediately stop terrorism and identity fraud forever, as well as preserving individual freedoms and privacy. The government were initially rather reluctant to go ahead with the scheme, but due to an overwhelming demand from 100% of the general public and others they were forced to eventually give in.

Miscellaneous benefits[edit]

According the British Home Office, ID Cards will:

  • Reduce crime
  • Prevent terrorism
  • Reverse global warming
  • Increase the size of your penis/breasts/both
  • Cure cancer
  • Make breakfast for you
  • Bring Princess Diana back from the dead
  • Prevent you from cutting your finger on the edge of tin cans
  • Make trains run on time
  • Allow the complete automentation of ID theft
  • Bring about the renaissance of English cricket, lawn tennis and bobsleigh
  • Guarantee the existence of life after death
  • Make shit smell nice
  • Work
  • Masturbate over your wife
  • Wipe your ass
  • Force ALL Poles out of this country, causing a massive economic recession.
  • Allow you to download free apps from the App Store

And all without infringing on civil liberties. Of course having all your information stored on one IT system and a chip on your card will not increase identy theft. The government wont' be tracking you.

Side benefits[edit]

As a side benefit, the new ID cards system will provide Jammie Dodgers for all.

Tony Blair has also denied that John Prescott is Big Brother and that the British Railway system has its own time, known as Paddington Mean Time (or PMT (not to be confused with Pre-Menstrual Trauma, although many people have cited a link)). He has also started an argument with the London school of economics, who believe that the immense cost of the system could be better used to save three orangutangs from certain death, by Monkey Flu.

Tony Blair, however insists that all the equipment required will be shipped free with the next Microsoft operating system - Windows RGE (Realy Good Edition). He also says that this should allay all fears of security, because the moment a flaw is discovered it will be posted on the world wide web and a security update of generic description ("A security issue has been identified that could all a hacker to gain control of and completly destroy a windows based computer."), to make people feel happy.

Bill Gates has denied that these are just a way to waste bandwith, however a popular conspiracy theory, pionerred by the daily express, believes that Princess Diana's brain has been trapped inside a computer, used for similar purposes in the Congo.

Benefit to National Health[edit]

The Civil service recently stated that the ID database would be moddelled upon the hugely successful NHS computer system. Patricia Hewette has stated that "This represents excellent value for money, and is totally failsafe." She was also heard to deny the fact that the Earth orbits the sun and that the Moon is in fact made of the skeletons of previous health ministers, not cheese as preivously thought.

Software Issues[edit]


Unfortunately, design considerations (Note: They are NOT Bugs) in the ID Database software's COBOL sourcecode have led to the decision that the system shall run under the Domain Administrator account. A side-effect of this decision is the inability to accomodate personalised user-settings. For a long time this was seen as an insurmountable obstacle to the National ID Database, until a master-stroke was suggested: Instead of adjusting the software to accommodate individuals' biometric differences, adjust the individuals to suit the software. This allows for a simplified, inexpensive regime of issuing a standardised, mass-produced card to all UK citizens. Credit for this innovation must be given to Australia, who took the lead in this direction by naming all of thier Citizens 'Bruce.' UK citizens shall now be required to change their name to 'Suzanna Sample.' No other name may be used henceforth by any person in the UK. It is yet to be decided whether citizens shall also be required to undergo gender-reassignment (where appropriate) and facial surgery in order to better match the credentials on their new, biometric ID Card.