Hydrogen peroxide
Hydrogen peroxide () a strong oxidiser and is often used as a bleach. Common hydrogen peroxide is extracted from the sweat of extremely white people, giving it its whitening qualities.
While working at a European Sweat Plantation in Octember of 1841, Michelangelo Antonionioni came up on the idea of harvesting the sweat of his Caucasian slaves so that tanner and blacker people might one day find the joy in being white. The results, as they say, are history. And I don't know who 'They' are, but they're fucking lying to you.
Manfacturing Hydrogen Peroxide[edit]
The major World supplier of hydrogen peroxide is the United States of America as it has the highest population of sweaty white people in the world. Other nations, such as England may have whiter folks living there, but they do not sweat as profusely as Americans, hence are unable to compete with the volumes produced by America.
There are three main methods used in modern hydrogen peroxide synthesis:
- Put the donors in situations that make them sweaty such as gyms, office cubicles, sporting events, talk shows, or impeachment.
- Force the donors to be associated with individuals that make them nervous, anxious or excited, hence sweaty. Suitable hydrogen peroxide secretion stimulators would be porn stars, poor people, lawyers, telemarketers, furries, or even clowns.
- Feed the donor until they are so obese that they can't leave the sweat collection unit.
Usage of Hydrogen Peroxide[edit]
McDonalds[edit]
Hydrogen peroxide is one of the ingredients in one the ever popular McDonald's range of European invasion burgers designed to turn perfectly intelligent children into burger-munching "ghetto ganstas," thus ensuring the future sales of this quality food outlet.
Once under the influence of this the most `bestest` of burgers, kids will instantly want to be a "hard ass mothersporker" and get some "hard ass bitch'n wheelz" in order to get to the next stage of his/her social placing - the "drive through".
Also a very good remedy for a dry scalp so a good addition to mum's shampoo.
Propellants - The Blood Rocket[edit]
Hydrogen peroxide, as purchased at a retail store, is often diluted to about 3%. However, if you can get your hands on "the good stuff", usually available on the black run Black Market from white slave laborers, you can make rocket fuel. Hint: try robbing a hairdressing salon - they'll usually have it up to 60%.
The most common method, pioneered by Micheal J. Fox, is to mix the hydrogen peroxide (oxidizer) and human blood (fuel) in a 2:1 ratio. This foams and builds back pressure, resulting in the expulsion of bloody foam at high velocity. Although accused of methods "too cruel to be imagined, unless you are already a homicidal maniac, in which case I guess it is likely to be imagined," Eric Odie-Guard took up the role as a Incan priest and ritualistically sacrificed tourists by cutting out their still-beating hearts. He would later collect their blood for use in his propulsion systems.
At Eric's first public launch, which proved to be a failure, he was quoted as saying "In the future I see the world being powered by the sweat and blood of the innocent." After his, admittedly humorous, failed launch, in which tons of red-ish "model volcano lava-like goop" oozed out of his rocket and the attending crowds gave him a comedians welcome (which is highly insulting to a scientist, especially a mad one), he gave this statement:
| “ | They can laugh now but it's their children who will pay the price... | ” |
Warnings[edit]
DO NOT huff hydrogen peroxide, it will bleach any kitten residue, and we all know huffing white kittens is very bad. Though obviously not as bad as huffing orange kittens - the orange ones really fuck you up.
Chemical reactions[edit]
Hydrogen peroxide was the best man at sulfur dioxide's wedding and slept with the bride. As a result meetings between the two substances are now dangerously unstable.
Hydrogen peroxide also reacts well to compliments but becomes volatile in the presence of constructive criticism.
Hydrogen peroxide is inert on Fridays.