How to be stupid and not just funny/Being stupid and not funny

In the beginning, there was a beginner's guide. In the beginner's guide, there was a rule. The rule generally advises people contributing to Uncyclopedia to be Funny and NOT stupid. This is a DIRE mistake. Something this catastrophic can not be left unheeded. What the DIRE circumstances demand, is a DIRE solution.

So without further ado,

I present,

The unfathomable,

The abominable,

The inedible,

Beginner's guide to being stupid and not funny.

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Language to avoid

When attempting to write a stupid article, it's best not to use any language that might give the impression that you have an Intelligence Quotient higher than a mongoose. Words like 'Ambitious' or 'Rambunctious,' 'Persnickety' or 'Toastable' are just not acceptable. Attempt to keep the syllables under 3. Start with a sentence like 'How Now Brown Cow,' a nicely stupefied sentence, or my personal favorite "Many Mini Cheesey Mooses" and work your way up from being utterly moronic to perversely idiotic.

Language to use

Following up on the 'Language to avoid' section of this article, this will teach you how to dumb up your writing. Start with a sentence like this:

"Bovine Feces! You cogitate every movement as if an institutionalized individual were scrutinizing the pair of us as we converse!"

And turn it into this:

"Bullshit! You're thinking every move like a crazy person was watching us!"

And into this:

"Bull! You tink evry mov lik some crazy foo watchus!"

You will eventually reach this result:

"Bull!"

The trick is this: You take a word like 'Cogitate' and turn it into a simple word like 'Think' and then you either misspell it or you miss it entirely. Now, apply this to the statement above and you get the final product:

"Buul!"

Using the word 'fag' or 'faggot' repeatedly is vital to making your article really stupid. These words haven't been used by a lot of other people, which makes them awesome whenever you use them. DO IT.

"Yah, do iit j00 bulfag!"

Rules are for Dicks

Being stupid is way more fun than following those stupid fucking rules people lay out. You know those? The admins have probably recommended that you read some rule guides. Well, they're retarded. You don't need to take that crap. You write whatever you damn well please, because it's the only way to actually make people laugh.

How to make a misleading table of contents

One of the simplest ways to make a stupid article is to make a misleading table of contents. There are famous ones, such as Orzenheimer's "The reasoning behind the Blasphemy of the trapezoid bagel" in which he talks about the aerodynamics of submarines, and Sir Oswald Montgomery Hendrix's "Section of absolutely everything there ever was to ever write about in one section, sectionally" in which he spends half a paragraph explaining the virtues of having a coffee powered toaster, punctuated by coffee stains. Of course, the masters know it all already. Since you do not, we're assuming, then I will demonstrate. Just follow these simple steps.

1. Pick an intriguing title such as:

'SECTION I: THE MEANING OF Life'

2. Pick a very much less intriguing subject to write about such as:

OMG and the Jedis were all like posing with their lightsabers and on the fifth level they couldn't understand the whatnot but yea there were these n00bs with like, those things with the crap, but me being the ultim8 haxor, I used my super haxoring skills to make their heads rotate and then they called me a n00b, those n00bs, and then they got PWND because theyre n00bs. LAWLZORS. LMAO. LMAONADE. Tuna CasseROFL. LOLLERCOPTER.

n' such

3. Do it again. This time, with more superfluous words.

How to change topics without any reason

Use this poem. Always. It doesn't work without it.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
in Soviet Russia,
Hitler Kills YOU!

Break the fourth wall

Remind the reader that they are just reading an article. Don't let them get engaged in reading the article - break their attention away from the article by writing comments ABOUT the article IN the article itself. Like spoilers, everybody wants to hear your personal opinion of the article before they are done reading it. That is why the best movie reviewers insert movie reviews about the movie you are watching into the middle of your favorite movies to tell you just how great the movie is, and the cartoon characters in the funniest cartoons talk about how much the cartoon show they're in sucks.

How to order hot dogs from Norway

This is extremely important to remember. Listen carefully. Read carefully. Tread carefully. Procreate carefully. This is how it's done in Norway. First, at the break of dawn, you have to sacrifice a small goat. Name it Edwards beforehand. after ritually disposing of the remains, go through a rigorous self inflicted hunger strike for five minutes. Enough. Walk down to the corner store (Take the stairs, or if there is an elevator with an elevator woman, take the elevator then thank the elevator woman.) Go in the corner store, find the meat section, and ask for Muldelza. She will tell you there are no hot dogs. But she is on our side, so don't despair. She will signal you to go down the isle. It will either be behind the box of no name granola bars or under the pickled tape measures. "It" in this case is a fridge full of delicious, unsatisfying American hot dogs. Take a package. Triumphantly, stuff it into your plaid coat or plaid bag. If you don't have a plaid coat or plaid bag, do not attempt this operation. Walk out the back way and leave four whatever the money is in Norway. Case closed.

The Sacred Formula

Here it is. I'm revealing the trade secret for Dumb writing masters from all across the planet... FOR FREE. Take a gander.

$(Yourface/whatisthis*fugly^{2})pickledherring*9.2$

How to conclude a pointless article

A stunning conclusion is the last AND final step in creating a Stupid Article. It should be NONE of the following: Witty, Observant, Compassionate, Wonderful, Creative, Clever, Original, or Good. It should be something like the written form of the last note of Eddie Van Halen's "Eruption" played on a broken Violin by a drummer. Some examples:

• "uhh,m thanks for reading, guys!"
• "RAP FOREVER"
• "(Insert genre here) FOREVER!"
• "So in conclusion, YOUR FACE!"
• "Sincerely, George Bush"
• "Oh, so THAT'S a conclusion"
• "Bye!"
• "BABA BOOEY, BABA BOOEY, Howard Stern's penis, BABA BOOEY, BABA BOOEY!
• This article sucks, (Article) is SO COOL OMG OMG!
• I'm happy for ya and imma let ya finish, but (Article) is the best article of all time! OF ALL TIME!
• Or say something demeaning about women, being a sexist asshole is the right way to end and article.