HowTo:Win a Darwin Award
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Ah, yes the magnificent Darwin Award, one of the most respected and sought after awards in history. A man could spend his entire life trying to get a Darwin (which wouldn't be very long, seeing as it is a Darwin Award). To those who want to win a Darwin, we salute you for ensuring the continuation of our species by weeding out the idiots in a spectacular and often flaming exit to existence.
For the purpose of this stunt we will be making a rocket car that will crash into the side of a mountain. The basic materials used for this are as follows:
- Mountain side
- Helmet (not necessary, just looks good on the news reel.)
To get these items you will need to do a few things, such as going to a pawn shop and buying a gun and sneaking into NASA wearing a ski mask and no shirt. WARNING: Getting some of the more elusive items such as a rocket are very difficult and may result in your death before you can do the stunt, so make sure to bring backup.
Pretty much anything can be used to get a Darwin, but fire is a big one. If it doesn't require fire the end product will most likely be flaming anyway.
If you get sent to jail or killed during this part of the job, you failed. Please stop reading if this happened to you, because you can no longer attempt this stunt. To begin you need to go out to your local winter sports shop and steal a ski mask. This mask will later be used to rob NASA of a rocket. Once you acquire the ski mask, head back to your house and wait for the fuzz to get off your tail.
Now you have your ski mask you will need to get an airplane ticket to Florida. You got it? Good. Now go to Florida and drive to about half a mile from the NASA gates. Now here comes the need for your ski mask. Put the ski mask on and run through the gates like a wild man. The guards will be stunned just long enough for you to get through the gate and out of shooting range.
Don't waste any time! Get straight to the very center of the building (you know, where they keep the big-ass explosives and rockets.) If you have to kill any guards on your way through that only increases your chances of getting the award, if you get to the stunt that is.
So you made it to the center of the building and you don't have too much blood on your hands right? Even if you have too much, it doesn't matter. So you made it to the big prize huh? Quickly stash the rocket in your pants, take off the ski mask and casually walk out of NASA like nothing happened.
So you acquired the rocket, now all you need is a car, and you are ready for the stunt. A car can be found in captivity, or in the wild. If you are looking for a cheaper way to get a car you should steal one. Of course this choice may cause death, or incarceration, so be careful whose car you steal.
If you want the safer, more expensive way (not recommended) you should visit a car-herder in a captivity zone for cars. A typical car will cost around $18,000-$30,000, but if you would like to have a better chance at the award you should buy a more expensive car, such as a Hummer, Lamborghini, or a Ferrari (the more it costs, the better your chance). Also, once you bought the car, run over the salesman. Why? Why not?
Now that you have the car you must drive it to your house, and get ready to assemble the rocket car. You will need power tools, but you can probably borrow them from your father or neighbor.
So you got the rocket, you got the car, and you got the power tools. First you need to cut out the back of the car. Next you carry the Rocket and put it in the back of the car. Tape the rocket to the inside of the car, and use your Ivy-League rocket technician skills to... What? You aren't a rocket technician?! Well go to Princeton and get a degree, stupid!
Ok, so you are back from Princeton, and now that you have your rocket technician skills you can make the rocket turn on when you press that little red button on the steering wheel. You see it? Good. Now load the car into your friends truck and drive out to a mountain - if it's in a populated area you have a better chance of getting the award.
So, you got the materials and you got the car assembled, your friend is currently driving out to the spot it will take place in. You should reflect on your life, making sure you want to do this... Ok, that's enough reflection for one lifetime.
Well, you are here at the range. You have unloaded your car, and are just about ready to do this wild and crazy thing. You fit your helmet nicely onto your head, and look one last time at your friend while he tries to score with a chick that's way out of his league, not even noticing that you are about to kill yourself.
So you push your foot down on the pedal and the car begins to move. You are steadily moving down the road, you reflect one last time on your life. All that's left now is to push... that... button...
Well, nothing... You should be dead, and if not you failed. Feel free to try again if you please, however your chances of receiving the coveted award are now slim to nothing.