HowTo:Squeeze your pimples

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos

You could read on through the whole article and waste the next few minutes of your life, or you could speak to Jared...he is mega experienced in the matter concerned. so give him a buzz on 1800ilikemen.

Acne. Painful and unsightly. Complete and utter nuisance, right? Wrong!. Zits and pimples offer near-endless possibilities for disgusting and painful fun. It's like an orgasm, but from your face! This guide will teach you how!

The Tools[edit]

What do you need to start the process of zit farming you ask? And I answer, you need the following:

  1. Blackhead stick (It's like a piece of metal with a small hole... Get them at your local drugstore. This is your most valuable tool.)
  2. Tweezers
  3. Needle
  4. Nail clippers
  5. Fingers

A brief breakdown of the functions of each will follow:

Blackhead stick: Use it for popping with maximum spray.

Tweezers: As the blackhead stick, but it offers more power with less precision. These can pack a punch, so be careful. If you push too hard you may drive the zit back below the skin or bruise the area around it. These can be used on non-facial pimples to great effect. Popping with these is inadvisable but they make excellent farming implements.

Needle: Can be used to puncture a deep-dwelling zit to entice it to the surface. Pimples are to be punctured but not squeezed; The pus will rise on it's own. Give a few days before farming further.

Nail Clippers: The big guns. Not for the fainthearted. Use them on the stubborn back or arm pimple; Clip the top off and then squeeze. You may bleed to death, but it's worth it.

Fingers: The most basic of all pimple-manipulation tools. Don't let that fool you... They're also the most versatile.

Pimple Types[edit]

KNOW THY ENEMY! Knowing what you're up against is very important, as it defines what techniques you use.

  • Whitehead-- Your typical "big zit", a whitehead is a large-ish white bubble of pus surrounded by a large white ring. These guys are easy; Already chock-full of delectable pus (affectionately referred to as "zit jizz"), all that's left to you is decide how you would like it served... oozy and messy or in a spray? If you want it to ooze, just squeeze it slowly with your fingers. If you want the spray, hit it with the blackhead stick.

  • Blackhead-- The most basic pimple unit. These can be fun to scrape en masse with your blackhead stick, or you can make them into more productive pus farms by simply stabbing them with the needle; The needle ruptures the covering on the blackhead while forcing it's solid core down into your skin, creating an infection. Blackheads will also mutate into more useful types if left alone.

  • Red zit-- The most worthless of all pimples. The red zit is a small, red blemish similar in size to a blackhead but red and with a small red ring around it. Ignore these, as they suck.

  • Pus well-- Gold. The most glorious of all pimples. It usually appears as either a small whitish blemish or a blackhead with a red ring around it with some whiteness near the center. They require some "farming" before rupture, and the popping is painful and normally draws blood, but these gems are unsurpassed in both volume and violence of spray. Left unattended these become whiteheads.

  • Deep-dweller-- Zit below the skin. You'll have to either farm it to the surface with your fingers, draw it to the surface with a needle, or force it up with clippers or tweezers... but it is almost always worth it to do so. Once near the surface they usually wind up as pus wells. Genital pimples are usually of this type.

  • Ass pimple-- I've only ever encountered this most illustrious of all skin deformities on my ass and lower back... More sheer volume than the largest whitehead, more violently spraying than a pus well, these are the granddaddies of all zits! They hurt like hell and bleed like your momma's period, but the rewards are more than worth it. Be warned though... leave these unpopped for too long and the interior will dry out leaving you with a huge semi-solid mass that doesn't spray but instead gloops all over your fingers. ONLY USE FINGERS ON THESE! The care and delicate handling required is too great to do any less!

  • special ops zit--These zits are specially designed to torment you for days, always locating themselves in spots where additional tools such as the black head stick are necessary, some examples of these places are that one spot on your back you can't reach, the inside of your nose and your cerebellum, if confronted with a particularly nasty zit one is advised to ignore it until it lets it's guard down and then destroy it with your tool of choice

I hope this guide was helpful. If you have any questions, please do not hesitate to ask.