HowTo:Smell a Bit Like Fish

Step aside, Jesus. There's a new inspirational fish in town.

If you're reading this now, you probably are in a rut. Maybe your spouse has left you. Maybe you recently got fired. Or maybe you're just bored. Every day is tedious and repetitive and tedious, and you just can't get anything out of life. It's like when I tell the kids, "CLEAN YOUR ROOM," and they just stare at me blankly like they're high on something, and so I trudge down the stairs, see that there's no beer in the fridge and that "Law and Order" is a re-run this week.

Ahem.

Anyway, whatever your problem, you just want something new. Something to brighten your day. A nice change of pace. Well, there's no better way to add some zest to your life than to smell a bit like fish.

The Process

There are several ways to start smelling a bit like fish. They have been passed down from generation to generation, and have even crossed cultural borders. The three most popular methods are the Paste method, the Spray method, and the old-fashioned Rub Yourself with a Fish method.

Mmm... fish paste.

Paste

The paste method originated centuries ago in the murky jungles of the Cambodian back country. All you need is five large fresh fish, a large bucket, and a paintbrush. Make sure the fish are de-scaled and gutted (cleaning optional). Then, throw the fish into the bucket and stomp underfoot them like you would grapes (this is a great way for your feet to get a head start on smelling like fish). Crush them and grind them until they rue the day they ever set fin in the Gulf of Thailand. Leave them out in the sun for a day and then the pasting may begin. Take your paintbrush and dip it in the paste. Make nice, broad strokes across your body. Be sure to use your angle brush so you can get all the crevices. Get a nice, even coat going, not too thick, but not so thin that it will come off in the rain. Success! You now smell like fish.

Now you can tear a hole in the ozone AND smell like fish!

Spray

While the paste method can provide some work to take your mind off the day as well as an outlet for creative expression, some people just don't have the time to go through the process. That's why in 1941 some Norwegian guy invented the aersol spray can. In 1989, Fish-in-a-Can was invented, making it easier than ever to get authentic fish smell any time. Unfortunately, Fish-in-a-Can was discontinued in 1990 due to poor sales and grievous health code violations, making it far harder to acquire. You can buy Fish-in-a-Can on eBay, but bidding wars often drive the price into triple digits. Your best bet is to find an empty spray bottle, such as a Windex bottle, and a blender. Put the prepared fish in the blender and set it to liquefy. Then pour it into the bottle, twist on the spray cap, and spray it all over your body. It may be hard to get an even coat on your own; try hiring a homeless person to do it for you.

Smelling like a fish can save you a bundle on marriage therapy.

Rub

Then there's the old stand-by: rubbing yourself with a fish. Go to the nearest open-air market and find the absolute freshest fish available. If you have the time, you can even fish for them yourselves. Now, make sure the fish is still slimy and wet. The slimier, the better. Also, the deader the better. Take a fish in one hand and rub it all over yourself as if it were a bar of soap. Scrub all about and try to work up a nice lather. Once you're nice and covered, let yourself dry. Soon, you've got yourself a natural, unadulterated fish scent-sation.

WARNING: Be careful which fish you try this method with. Lionfish, for instance, have poisonous spines, so only experts should attempt to rub themselves with lionfish. Porcupine fish are definitely not a good fish to rub oneself with. Remoras have powerful suckers and may stick onto you. If you are unable to dislodge them, they will stay there, and after a few days, you will no longer smell a bit like fish, you will smell a lot like fish. And you'd have to be a little odd to want to smell a lot like fish. We recommend a dead flounder for the best fishy smell.

Benefits of smelling a bit like fish

You are now covered in fish paste, spray, or slime. Now what? Well, there are plenty of situations where smelling like a fish comes quite in handy. You'll get noticed like never before. With your new fish smell, you'll be able to accomplish all the things your previous pitiful self never could have in the past. Hold your head up high and show some confidence; you smell like fish, after all! You'll wonder why you didn't just rub yourself with a dead fish years ago. Here are some sample scenarios where you can use your fish scent to better yourself and even meet new people.

At parties

Bad at breaking the ice? Smelling like fish is a great conversation starter at parties and other social functions. For example:

SUSAN: So anyway I've been teaching myself Luxembourgish.

MARY: That's so interesting! I've always wanted to learn how to speak... that language.

YOU: Hey, ladies!

SUSAN: Oh my God, what's that smell?

YOU: Funny you should mention that.

At work

Not getting that promotion? Impress your boss with the new you.

BOSS: As you can see, we had a slight dip in third quarter earnings. Any suggestions?

YOU: I would recommend reconsolidating all of our assets into a viable sales structure, creating more synergy with our clients.

BOSS vomits.

Fitting in

Having a hard time meeting people? With your new odor you'll be like a fish in water.

FISH 1: Glub. Glub.

FISH 2: Glub. Glub.

YOU: Hey guys! What's goin' on? You see that Dolphins game last night? Man, what a wild one!

FISH 1: Glub.

Rules and limitations

Now, now, pal. Just because you smell like fish doesn't mean everything will just fall into your lap. There are a few things you need to remember. Some guidelines, if you will. Take this advice and it will be smooth sailing.

Smelling like a fish will not grant you immunity from charges of murder, treason, kidnapping, larceny, racketeering, arson, public displays of drunkenness, possession of cocaine, or jaywalking. Public indecency is a maybe.
Be sure not to approach wild bears while smelling like fish.
Despite all appearances, you cannot fit into a fishbowl. Trying to do so can result in a highy painful extraction process.
Don't go too far. Your eyes will no longer function if you try to place them on the sides of your head.
Be sure to choose the right scent for the occasion. Trout is for the sportsman, salmon is for a hot date, cod is for a poetry jam, and so on.
Under no circumstances should you mount yourself on a wall and sing.
Don't trust worms, regardless of how alive they appear to be.
Do NOT make the mistake of trying to be exotic and smelling a bit like squid, octopus or other marine animal. Only fish will do.

Congratulations!

You are now ready to live your new life. That fish scent isn't going to come out any time soon, providing an opportunity for you to come out of your shell and swim into the deep blue sea of fishy odorousness. With your newfound confidence, you will be able to do things you have never been able to do. You'll be able to get dates, earn raises, and save babies from burning buildings. You'll have an air of mystery festering around you wherever you go. People will always know when you're in the room. Some may get so emotional in your presence that they'll tear up a little. Don't worry; they're not sad. Those are tears... of adoration.

Go forth and spawn.