This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos
“I sit down on you, you sit down me, we sit down on everybody!”
“Damn it! Pull your fucking pants down and sit on my fucking lap!”
Have you, <insert name here> been away from a chair, a couch, or anything you can sit on for a very long time? Is it because you were fat and you needed to go on a year-long marathon? Or have you just simply forgot? Does your buttocks hurt from standing up? Is your soul rotting on the inside watching citizens happily rest their buttocks on some kind of surface while those citizens are keeping themselves away because they are thinking you are going slowly BAT FUCK INSANE!
Anyway, this is the step by step guide on how to sit down.
Step 1: Find a chair, couch, bench, etc.
You can find a place to sit down anywhere, at the park, furniture store, at your bestfriends place, in
your house, even in the middle of the road! Maybe try the couch in your living room that you fart on all the time. Or the bed that you masturbate daily on. If you dont have any furniture, sit on the floor. Finally, if you have no floor, furniture or objects to sit on, sit on the road, but look to your left and right and don't stop, if you want to live!
Now, on to Step 2.
Step 2: Get into position
Now that you have found a chair to sit down in, try to get near the seat and crouch so your buttocks are over the part of the seat where
your buttocks should be. If you are a guy, make sure it is not over some dudes lap or face. If you are a girl, make sure it isn't over a girls face or lap. Please make sure that your surface is strong enough to hold you, or you will have a painful landing, hopefully not with part of the wooden frame up your buttocks. Also make sure that your surface doesn't have thorns or a grue or Oscar Wilde on it, may result in anal bleeding.
Furthermore, Step 3!
Step 3: Sit down
Now that you are still in the crouch position and your buttocks are not over the floor, release your position and let your crouched body fall on to the hard or soft seat. If you are scared and feel uncomfortable, think about cushions or pillows, or feathers! Are your buttocks on the surface you are over? If it worked, well done! If your buttocks hit the floor, you still are sitting down. It may have hurt a little bit.
Now here are the dangers.
Location Location Location
Sitting requires an acquired knowledge location analysis and choice. It's not all black and white, in or out and up or down, there are many grey areas to think about and ponder. Sitting is usually considered a very safe practice, or a very dangerous one. There are some places you should avoid sitting in, on, near, around or below. For instance, if one is Little Miss Muffet, try to avoid sitting under spiderwebs.
Consequences of Sitting Down
Sitting down may be a rewarding experience but if one is not careful it may be a harmful, painful, sexual or even deadly affair. The following incidents have been known to occur from sitting without proper precaution:
- Painful bodily consumption
- Very painful bodily consumption
- Loss of money and nasal nerves
- May appear on Morning or Daytime Television
So now that you know everything you should know about sitting down, you can do a lot, you can sit down at important buisness meetings, or happily sit down on a teeter-totter with your friend while sucking a lollipop, or you can finally let go all of that pent-up unearthly rage that you obtain from your horrible job!
Anyway, now you know how to finally unstiffen your unusually stiff body which you have obtained from standing up for a very long time. Happy sitting!