HowTo:Run Away From Fat Ladies
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“It's not over until the fat lady sings!”
It's 4am and the night suddenly starts to become gloomier and gloomier. You're so fuking High You barely now were the fuk your headed to and going down the lowest degrees of male dignity. Girls have something you're craving for, but they keep on denying this gift to you. You have tried seven times this night, in a descending scale of humiliation. So, at the other side of the counter, there she is. She smiles at you and you feel refreshed, seems like finally an angel has come to put together your shredded soul. Then you return the smile. As she gets up and walks toward you, you can see what was concealed: her full body. And man, when I say full, I mean FULL! An over-bloated mass of female flesh - with a pretty face, let's give her that - is headed at you full speed and the collision seems inevitable.
Step 1: Don't Panic!
Let's be objective. A fat girl is still a girl. There's nothing a regular chick could do that a fat chick cannot. Well, maybe reaching her toes, wear a bikini, ride a bike or, hmmm, a horse. Nah, forget about the last part. I've meant there's nothing a woman can do to a man that a fat one cannot. Except being on top - well, not exactly if you are the adventurous type... but the vision of those shaking masses menacing to suffocate you can bring nightmares for years. Yeah, your friends will laugh at you, but at least you will not end the night with doubts about your sexual orientation. Unless you really like it, or worse, it's better not to even mention this but, yeah, it could be... There's always a risk... Okay... Unless you fall in love (aargh!). Then - oh shit - you're a pervert!
Who are we trying to fool?... You're screwed, man!
Step 2: Evaluate Your Drunkenness
One funny fact about beer is that it is the most powerful thinning compound in the world. The more beer you drink, the thinner - and finer - women will appear to you. Now the little demon inside your liver is yelling: "So be it! At least you won't sleep alone in this cold night!". Depending on the dose, you will need an iron will to resist this call of your inner caveman. Stay upright, breathe deeply and prepare yourself for a very scary battle against the ridicule!
Step 3: Deal With Her
Remember: it was you glancing at her at the beginning. And now it's your manliness that's on dispute. Cursing the girl, running to the toilet, covering your head, or kissing a male friend on reach will just turn things worse. So talk to her and see if you can make her lose interest. It will not be easy as, being a fat straight chick, she's thinking she found the lost winning ticket. You can try some approaches:
- Be boring: talk at length about your job as a bank clerk - lie if necessary. More than that, if you are, let's say, a nuclear scientist, top surgeon, and lead singer for a band, you're simply forbidden to tell any truth.
- Be disgusting: talk about how you are not feeling really okay due to the intestinal infection you got from a half-eaten hot dog you found at the subway. Tell her how your skin is itchy since you've bet with your friend you could resist more time without a bath.
- Be a man, in the bad sense: talk a lot about sports and laugh vigorously. Scratch your balls. Use the toothpick. Spit aside. Tell her what you will do with all of that surplus meat. Flirt ostensibly with her female friends (the thin ones, by freakin' Saint George and his dragon, you don't want to end this night as the cheese in the double whopper, do you?). In any case, if you notice she is actually liking the show, change immediately to another subject. Make her feel uneasy. Talk about whales, elephants, pigs and cellulite.
- Be weird: no matter what strategy you take regarding the conversation, act as if you are an obsessive-compulsive freak. Blink asynchronously with one eye, then the other. Bend your back until you look like The Notre-Dame Hunchback. Never look her in the eye when talking: keep your sight on one button of your shirt, which you open and close repeatedly.
Step 4: If Everything Goes Wrong...
Fake vomit. Fake cramps. Fake epilepsy. Fake a heart attack. Fake cancer. Run like hell! At this point, you're even morally authorized to fake gayness as a desperation tactic. The last, desperate effort one can do if all other efforts have gone down the shitter: Claim that you have AIDS and that you refuse to use condoms due not wanting to please our alien overlords.
Step 5: If Everything Goes REALLY EXTREMELY Wrong...
(Tongue in my cheek) Have a good time, fella... Just watch out for those cameras or this moment will be preserved for eternity at your job mates' desktop computers. And, for Christsake, use condoms. Ancient goddesses of fertility were not fat for no reason. Yeah: that's a nice euphemism. Next day you tell your friends: "I've slept with a goddess of fertility - I feel blessed!" (Tongue in my cheek... HAHAHAHAHA... sorry).
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Featured version: 4 May 2007 |
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