HowTo:Refuse service to people of a different ethnic background
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Everyone hates someone; some more than others. But what if a big, loud foreigner just barged into your establishment and demanded equal treatment? What an injustice! We all know that people different from you should be treated with less respect than your superior race. Therefore, we need to know HowTo:Refuse service to people of a different ethnic background.
You will need the following:
- A sign, clearly stating your hatred toward the filthy swines. You can make one yourself, preferably chock-full of expletives, as the thick-skulled "others" cannot understand anything else.
- Any device designed to incapacitate. Since these Neanderthals may resort to violence, it's a must. I recommend a taser or, my favorite, a handy pepper spray.
- Face masks must be worn at all times, since no one knows the type of germs they have brought from their underdeveloped countries. I also suggest growing a thick mustache. Just to be safe.
- Snipers, men with overactive pituitaries, and clinjas may be employed to save you some work, instead of kicking everyone out yourself.
How to refuse service effectively
Noticing a person of a foreign race
This is probably the easiest step. Simply pick out the ones that you feel walk differently, speak differently, wear different clothes, or smell bad.
Beware, for every one of the filthy half-wits are ashamed of themselves for being such a hideous scar on the face of humanity. Therefore, they might attempt to conceal their strangeness, by wearing a turban, mask, hat, or other coverings. Do not be fooled by this feeble attempt; instead, make sure to judge by the way they walk, talk, or the items they order. After all, better safe than sorry!
Note that you should classify all strangers as possible threats, and it is preferred that you move on to the next step quickly.
You must now forcefully scream insults at their hideous faces, as they refuse to listen to our obviously superior intellect without a threat.
You don't want to spend much time on this phase, though. If they respond unfavorably, as in twitching, blinking, or taking a breath, you should swiftly move on to Step 3. After all, a picture is worth a thousand words, and a good beating is worth a thousand pictures.
Use of force
You may alternate Step 3 with Step 2 and repeat for as long as it is required.
When words fail, a good kick in the rear is the best choice. Use your taser, spray, or anything sharp or corrosive to shoo them away. After all, it's no crime to harm some stranger from an unknown country, since they should have thought about the consequences of attempting to buy anything from you. Also notice that killing them would be an unwise move, since a brutal death usually hurts business. Plus, the "police" frown upon this practice, or at least they will until the new amendment is passed by Congress.
Dealing with a lawsuit
If they even dare to crap all over your good name with accusations of *gasp* racism, point out the polite sign that you have purchased earlier. It is then clear that the man or woman that dares to insult you like this is completely illiterate, and is a burden on society. Therefore, they will most certainly be euthanized. Also, get people from the local area to send them threatening letters (either threatening to kill their children, or simply telling them to get out of the country) and bombard them with silent phone calls.
Note: Some may call this "cruel" and "a pitiful travesty". However, the critics that say these are probably unclean foreigners, so it is OK. Really.
- Tell them "we have the right to refuse service to anyone".
- Make a new door front sign: "No shoes, no shirt, dark skin, NO SERVICE". Or, alternatively, "No shoes, no shirt, white heterosexual male, NO SERVICE".
- Post a sign on your door indicating "Bathrooms for Customers Only", and be picky about who you give the key to. Refuse the key to anyone who "smells bad" or wears clothes you don't like. Especially if they smell bad from too much cologne. Or, deliberately misspell the sign to read, "Bathrooms for Costumers Only", then don't allow anyone to use the bathroom unless they have a costume.
- Take down all "Se Habla Español" signs and Spanish-language material where there are lots of Latino customers.
- Threaten to call Homeland Security on any Middle-Eastern looking or sounding customer.
- Remind the patron "sorry, we're not hiring for dishwashers or janitors", or ask them if they are an Uber driver.
- Imitate their accent, badly.
- In an Italian restaurant, pretend you're an "I-talian" to make the other Italians take great offense. Use Italian words like "Heh! Shaut da' fock up, yous guinee." and "Dontcha make yah sleep wita fishes, capice?"
- In a sit-down restaurant, tell the Orthodox Hasidic Jew about the menu course's selection of pork, rump roast and shellfish and don't miss out on the Friday night special of lox, bagels and matzo ball soup, and tell the Hindu from India about the menu featured selections of Beef and the Soup of the day made with beef broth.
- Tell a dark-skinned (African-looking) customer that there's a "combo" special on fried chicken, collard greens, cornbread and Kool-Aid. Be sure to wink and smile right when you mention the Kool-Aid. Bonus points if they turn out to be vegan, or fresh from the tanning bed but normally fair skinned. Subtract points if they used an artificial tanning solution.
- Greet minority patrons with a "Sieg Heil" salute, address them with ethnic slurs and warn them when they leave, you're a member of the KKK.
- Show your patriotic side on July 4th by not admitting any Britons, Canadians and other "un-american" types.
- Display a Confederate flag prominently in your place of business. Especially if you don't sell Civil War merchandise.
- And finally, Be surprised when you see a Native American eat with silverware like a "Civilized human being" (that would really cheer them up).
- If the law requires you to put your menu in a second language, make the prices ten times higher, or omit the prices entirely on the separate menu in the second language, just like some places do with gluten-free menus. When they ask the price, ask them "Are you sure you want to know?"