HowTo:Quit Smoking Through Hypnosis

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These people Seig Heil'd Dan Greenfield's methods

Hello, everyone. My name is Dan Greenfield and I'll be your guide today in your journey to a nicotine-free future. Are you ready to begin? Okay, great.

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You Are Getting Sleepy[edit]


Very, very sleepy. Your arms feel loose now, relaxed. A good, pleasant feeling is coming from your toes and is spreading all over your body, every muscle and every nerve growing loose and limp and relaxed, like you just had three shots of Jagermeister. Your jaw hangs loose. You are drooling on your shirt. No, I'm telling you, you're really drooling and it's gross. Close... close your mouth. Do you think I want to see that? Good...

Droopy, drowsy and sleepy. So calm and so relaxed. You're relaxing more with each passing breath... with each easy breath that you take ... with each sound that you hear. BOO! Ha-ha. Just kidding. No, really, you are now completely under my command...

Your Mind Is Empty[edit]

Confusing, yes. But, not hypnotic.

I want you to imagine that you are in front of a castle. This is an strange castle, for it is the castle of your mind. This castle is six feet high, six feet wide, six feet long and it says "Fisher Price" on the side.

I want you to walk up and open the front door. As you do, you step inside. It's a very unusual room because there is only one piece of furniture in the room, an ottoman. There is no good reason for there to be an ottoman in this room, but you don't care because you are not in control, I am.

You walk to that ottoman and you sit down in it. A large glass tube extends from the ceiling and fits itself onto your head, just like Kermit in "The Muppet Movie." The glass tube begins gently sucking on your head... gently sucking... gently sucking... gently sucking... and it sucks the entire top of your head off. Your brains are gone and your head stops just above the eyebrow. Your mind is now completely empty.

You Won't Remember Any Of This[edit]

Now I'm going to give you a few instructions but you will not remember any of them when this session is over. These things will remain in your subconscious until they are called upon by the KeyPhrase.

Alright, men[edit]

When I say the word "Handbag" your ears will stop working. You will not be able to hear anything at all. You will remain deaf until I say the word! "Handsome!!" Handbag!

Gentlemen, you hate Neil Richardson. You hate him will all your heart, just like I hate Neil Richardson. Sure, he didn't pick on you in high school, pee in your gym sneakers and humiliate you in the lunchroom by "pants-ing" you in front of the cheerleader's table, but nevertheless, you think he's a complete jerk.

Here is what you are going to do. When someone says the KeyPhrase "Pumpkin Nut Bread" You will call Neil Richardson at his orthodonture practice at 555-3728 and make an appointment. Then you will completely forget about it. You will not go to your appointment, nor will you remember that you made an appointment in the first place and you will get angry if they call and try to tell you otherwise. Okay, that oughta piss him off pretty good. Handsome! Okay, ladies your hearing is returned.

Ladies, it's your turn[edit]

You are getting horny...very, very horny...

To be deaf. When I say "Va-va-vagina" You will not be able to hear me, but when I say "Vulva" your hearing will return.

Va-Va-Vagina!! Okay, ladies, it's just you and me. Now this is important, so I want you to listen closely: You think Dan Greenfield is very, very sexy. Every time you see Dan Greenfield you will want to have sex with him, but you will not act upon this impulse. Wait until Dan Greenfield says the KeyPhrase "Hiya Dollface!" and then suggest that you should have sex with him. That way, Dan Greenfield will be able to weed out the uglies, understand? Vulva! Now everyone can hear again.

I want you to visualize a bank[edit]

It is your bank, the one you always go to. I want you to enter the bank and go to manager and request a Bank Transfer Form. On the line where it says "recipient's account information" I want you to write "Helvetian Savings and Loan Account number 51830" and on the line where it says "Bank routing number" I want you to write "3218-662380". On the line where it says "Sender Information" I want you write your account number. On the "transfer amount" line I want to you write the entire balance of your account and your account number. Now remember, when you wake up, you are not going to remember any of this, however, any time someone says the KeyPhrase "Banana Cream Pie" you are going to follow the instructions I just gave you.

You Are Going To Wake Up In A Moment[edit]

And you are going to feel completely refreshed, like you just got a full night's sleep. Okay, when I count to three you are going to wake up. One... Two... Oh, wait. Also when you wake up you won't want to smoke anymore. Almost forgot! Okay. One... two... Three!

Welcome back![edit]

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for coming to "Dan Greenfield's Smoking Cessation Through Hypnosis" If everything went according to plan your urge to smoke is already abated. As a reward, I have laid out some snacks in the next room: banana cream pie and pumpkin nut bread. Enjoy!