HowTo:Predict the Weather

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So you want to predict the weather? Of course you do, that's why you're here! To predict the weather, you'll need to be a weatherman, which means you'll need to go to college. And to go to college, you'll need to have a lot of money. And to have a lot of money, you'll need to work. And who likes work? No one, that's who. And besides, why pay all that money just to throw darts at a few pictures? Because, as everyone knows, weathermen don't actually know how the weather's going to turn out- they're not meteorologists, and they don't have the fancy equipment to be able to figure it out for themselves.

  • But aren't weathermen and meteorologists the same thing?
No. No they are not. Quit asking questions and read.

Why Predict the Weather?[edit]

You're probably wondering why you should predict the weather, right? Well, you want to predict the weather if you want to make money. Don't know how to make money? Get a job then! Don't know how to get a job? Perhaps a few of my associates can help you then. This article isn't about getting you a job, it's about predicting the weather.

But why should you should predict it? Well, why shouldn't you? Also, it's fun, that's why! And the best part is that you don't even need to think to predict it! Just ask Al Roker!

What about it is fun, you ask? Isn't it just a bunch of math and science? You couldn't be more wrong. Well, if you decide to gamble

Predicting the weather really is this simple.

on it (which many weathermen do, might I add!), it does involve a bit of math. Probability and whatnot. But predicting the weather doesn't involve science. Not at all, not in the least.

Step 1: Figuring Out What Weather Is[edit]

What is weather? If you want to predict the weather, but you're stupid enough to not know what weather is, then I can tell you myself; you will not be good at predicting the weather. Guaranteed. So here's a definition of what weather is, what creates it, and what types of weather there are.

Weather is defined as... well, you can't really define weather. You can only experience it first hand to truly comprehend what weather is. Go spend a week in the sweltering heat, frigid cold, the rain, snow, sleet, hail, and all that other stuff. This is not to be confused with having a life. You're out there for research only, not to pal around with the locals. Once you've done that, you can come back and finish reading this article.

...what's that? You say you're done already? Liar. I don't believe you. Fine then, your loss. Don't come crying to me later. My office door is always shut, and I keep wolves in there. They're hungry too. If you want, you can leave a note on my desk, but good luck getting out of there alive.

Right, then! What creates weather, well, that is a complex question. Some say that weather occurs primarily due to density (temperature and moisture) differences between one place to another. These differences can occur due to the sun angle at any particular spot, which varies by latitude from the tropics. Others say that God creates it, or that Mother Nature creates it. Some have no clue what weather is.

Next up, the different types of weather. There are many types of weather, but the most common ones are rain, wind, meteors, oil spills, hurricanes, and then there is weather where nothing happens; this is referred to as "clear."

See? It's that simple. Next up: how to predict the weather, the one thing you've been reading this entire article for skipped ahead to find.

Step 2: Predicting the Weather[edit]

This is by far the easiest part of the job. There are two ways of doing this: one that requires physical effort, and one that requires the use of a computer. For the first one, you put on a blindfold, grab a few darts, aim, and throw. Whichever symbol (rain, snow, sun, etc.) your dart lands on, that's what you're going to

Yes, it is possible for your job to be this easy.

tell everyone the weather is going to be. If you're more into showing rather than telling, then designing computer graphics is for you! You just need to know two things for this part: Ctrl+C and Ctrl+V. As shown in the picture on the right, all you need to do is mix up the pictures a bit, and voila! A weather report that's as accurate as the stock market is stable! What do you mean, we're in a global economic downturn? That was not a horrible analogy, you just have bad taste.

Step 3: Lather, Rinse, Repeat[edit]

Now that you've successfully predicted the weather once, you can do it again! Just like washing your hands or washing your hair, you simply repeat and repeat and repeat and repeat the process again, starting at step one! If your luck holds, you can even bet on what the outcome will be! Now get out of here and don't come back!


If you are fortunate enough to live in Wales, you don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows. Instead it blows a gale, tearing roofs up and trees down, particularly across roads and railway lines. Despite numerous complaints from visitors, the rainfall is actually of great benefit to this glorious nation, as we have not yet invented running water or the benefits of personal hygiene. However, we DID invent soap before the Romans. Too bad we thought it was milkybars and ate it all.