HowTo:Pet a cat

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Oh my god, it's a freaking cute cat. What can you do with it? Well, you can either shoot it, molest it, or feed it. Any dumbass can do that, but you are a human being. Human beings pet cats, and here's how you can pet your own cat.

What you need[edit]

Here is all you need for petting a cat:


  • A cat

Choosing your cat[edit]

In order to pet a cat, you must first find a cat. Of course, you can steal that creepy old cat lady's cats, but since you don't have a court martial, get your car and go to a Pet store and choose a cat that you think is good enough to pet. Here are your choices:

Too dangerous.
Too high.
Too computer animated.
Too evil.
Clearly a dog.
Can't you do better than that, asshole?

Right about now you realize that your neighbors just got a new cat yesterday and feel like a real dick for wasting the whole afternoon looking at pr0n cats. And also that you didn't eat lunch yet.

Eating lunch[edit]

I'll have two orders of blubber, three loads of please keep your shirt on, and a ham and cheese sandwich for junior.

While going home you decide to go eat a quick lunch at Greasy's Grease Hut,Inc. Home of the world's largest acne problems and pile of grease in the world. You walk in and find this bunch of fatasses in line. Being tired of the heavy breathing, you get out your gun and kill the fatasses in front of you. You then can't decide what to eat and choose of all things, A SALAD!!!!!!!

You idiot, why did you choose salad when you really wanted the heart attack special.

Going home[edit]

On your way home, you spot a garage sale on the corner of 4th and Main. You go in and find they have a vast assortment of clocks and stuff that was on Antiques Road Rage Show. You quickly look at everything until you realize that you still have to pet the cat next door. Damn it, you really wanted some gay antiques for your god-damned house.

Finally home[edit]

"For the love of God, Did I ask you to come in?

When you arrive home you quickly take a piss and run, no, dance the samba to your neighbor's house and pound on the door. He opens the door and you barge in like some old Shithead McFuck without asking to come in. I'm surprised at you. You hit your neighbor with his own door just to pet some god damned motherfucking cocksucking shitting pissing son-of-a-bitching cat.

Petting the cat[edit]

First you must get that damn cat out from under the porch. To do that, get out the tin of cat food you brought with you and wave it in the air like a Dumbass. The cat will come eventually. If not, get out the heavy equipment (a plastic pail and shovel). Keep digging until you get that damn cat out. Once out, get the Charmin and wipe its ass of various shit and whatnot. If there's no shit on its ass, get out the chocolate in your back pocket and spread it all over and then wipe its ass.

If the cat is getting away right now then you are a complete Dodo brain and forgot to hold onto it. No problem. Just eat all of the whipped cream and use the whips to get that little Mother Fucker back to you. Eat the spaghetti you have and take the hand covered in the shit sauce and put it gently on the head and rub from head to tail. And gently, gently...


You asshole, I said gently. Now you have to go back to your dumb life of a loner. No more comic books for you. Now just look at the neighbor's kitten.

"Why did you violate me, WHY?"