HowTo:Make a nerd
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Nerds, despite being very common in most dry places, are often hard to find outside of their hives, nests, hovels, lairs or living quarters, which are constantly guarded and very dangerous for the inexperienced Nerdologist. This can cause a problem for the up and coming entrepreneur who intends to make use of this elusive creature. The solution? Make your own! The following is a simple step-by-step guide to creating, catching, enslaving and otherwise maiming lesser beings such as the common or garden nerd.
Step One: Source Your Materials
Obtaining high quality materials is essential for high quality goods. The better quality of the materials the higher the likelihood that it will survive the process with minimum defects.
The basic ingredient for all types of nerds is a small, innocent child. The sex of the child varies depending on the method used but it is essential that it be as little polluted as possible. Impurities in the child may lead to air bubbles forming in the moulding stage.
Step Two: Identify Your Need
Nerds have many uses, medicinal and practical, so it is important to identify why you feel a need to obtain one, so as to produce the most appropriate specimen. The different methods of constructing Nerds each yield in slightly different results.
The Shock Method
Take your innocent child (the child can be either sex and any age from 4-18.) and simultaneously introduce it to the following:
- Web Comics
- Online Gaming
- An Age Appropriate Offline Game (optional)
This is especially effective for large amounts of materials as the original will transfer the energy to all materials near it via conduction, starting them off down the road to becoming prime produce.
This is a conversion method and creates the fairly useful “Humorous Nerd”. “Humorous Nerds” can be rented to partygoers at around $20. A bargain considering the effort needed to mass-produce them is minimal.
It also makes a great, low cost, low maintenance gift! But remember: a nerd is for as long as it survives under the cruel conditions you decide to put it though, not just for Christmas.
The Maturing Method
Leave a “Humorous Nerd” with an internet connection, a method of accessing it, in a small cardboard box just outside your front door. It will be able to sustain an existence that mocks the definition of “Living”. You may also need to supply it with a modest sum of money or regular bowls of edible substance in order to prevent it from becoming too brittle to use.
- Eventually the physical signs of the “Matured Nerd” will begin to manifest. Remove the subject from its container when it shows all of the below symptoms:
- Stooped posture
- Pupils become unreactive to all visible light and are unable to focus on far away objects.
- Carries hands at right angles to chest with elbows tucked into sides when walking
- Social skills have deteriorated to the extent that it can only communicate via the written word
- Incapability to do anything in the presence of another human except explain how things work.
- Experiences an intense desire to “pull” every time a member of the opposite sex approaches them due to over consumption of porn.
This “Matured Nerd” is far more practically applicable to modern day problems. However is easily distracted by the last symptom. The solution to this is to block porn sites before the pollution begins. Innocence is key.
Training a “Matured Nerd” to follow people around is painless and proves very profitable in times when you have a need to solve a “vexing dilemma”.
The disadvantage of this form of Nerd is that it requires more attention than the un-matured “Humorous Nerd” to prevent it from wandering off into the big wide world.
Warning! This form of nerd is very shy and sensitive. Opening its box too fast may result in a sudden shock and instant heart failure. This will cause your nerd to loose certain functionalities. In these circumstances you are advised to dispose of the faulty product immediately.
The Scaring Method
Obtain a small innocent child and a less innocent child of the opposite sex. Take the less innocent child and tell them to get their friends and group around the subject. When the subject has no hope of escape, tell the less innocent child to tell the subject that one of their friends “fancies” it. All of the less innocent children must then fall to giggling or smirking depending on sex. This will put the subject into a state of embarrassment and insecurity about whether they are actually “fancy-ed” or not.
Repeat with the same subject but different less innocence children as much as possible until the subject has lost all faith in the opposite sex’s sincerity and have become so very insecure about their own desirability that they turn to the virtual realm of the internet for comfort. Taking hours of their day to write complex humorous articles in backwater corners of cyberspace that are really metaphors for how they feel they where driven to their current sad, pitiful existence by others. Little girls are dangerous! They know not what they do!
This form of Nerd will retreat into a world of their own (or invade someone else’s) and attempt to find a way they can once again gain self-esteem. Here is where you must intervene. Subtlety approach the subject and encourage them down the path you desire. It may help if the encourager is a member of the same sex as the subject so as to minimize suspicion. "Additional Motivation" may be required if the subject's progress is distressingly slow: get the encourager to mention that members of the opposite sex love <insert desired attribute> people. Pointing one of said opposite sex out will increase both speed of progress and the amount of time the subject spends staring at the aforementioned member.
The advantages of this form of nerd are that is highly tailorable to your needs and befriending it takes little or no time. A simple conversation or compliment will have this self-sustaining creature following you around faithfully through thick and thin, bending to your every wish.
The Pedigree Method:
Many leading Nerdologists claim that the cause of the physical symptoms of a Nerd is a virus or a form of parasite. Thus it stands to reason that when two such infected beings procreate the offspring will be perfect pharmaceutical use.
To obtain such a specimen you will need to study the behaviour of The Infected very carefully and mimic them to a convincing level of realism. Select a target you find to be up to industry standards and follow them everywhere.
As soon as they enter a hospital make your move. Knockout a doctor or nurse and steal their uniform. Memorise their name badge! You must be a convincing doctor or you will arouse suspicion from your target. If you see an opportunity to steal any part of the target (blood, skin sample, bone marrow sample, liver, kidney, lung etc.) take it! It’s what you’re here for. Don’t leave until the target leaves.
If the target is about to spawn then, while the father is alone in the waiting room, knock him out and take his place. This is where your impersonation skills come into play. When the nurse comes to tell you that the subject is ready, fool them into giving you the offspring. Leave before anyone notices you’ve taken it. (taking the father too may be useful for samples later on) Warning! On no account enter the birthing chamber! It is an extremely hazardous environment! You may be able to fool the nurse but the mother will know the difference. Hell hath no fury like an enraged female Nerd.
Pedigree Nerds are useful for their virus and/ or parasite which can be powdered, roasted, dried, pickled, submersed in oil and a whole lot of other things… although why you’d want to do anything with it at all is a mystery to everyone. Please note that the area of Pedigree Nerds is highly theoretical as no one has quite enough courage to say that it would be possible to catch the Nerd virus merely by brushing against a Nerd. Of course it has never been tested just how contagious the virus or parasite is as Nerdologists haven’t found anyone stupid enough to go anywhere near to a Pedigree Nerd.
The Plant and Raise Method
Purchase Nerd Seeds, select a sunny spot in your yard and plant the seeds ( aprox. 1" deep). If your yard is unsuitable find a remote location where your Nerd Tree will not be disturbed. Plant at least 2 Nerd Tree seeds for cross pollination. Water your plants regularly and weed it occasionally. In 14 to 16 years you should have a nice crop of Nerds. Nerd Trees produce 2 to 6 Nerds a year once the tree is mature. Once a Nerd is ripe it is picked and the umbilical cord tied off. Place the new Nerd in a small room with a litter box, T.V., computer and a selection of books. Give the Nerd aprox. 1 month to get up to speed and your Nerd is good to go. Note: this method should only be used by people capable of long term planning (selecting the Nerd seeds for the type of Nerd you'll need in the future) and the tenacity to follow thru (watering, weeding and occasionally fertilizing the tree).
Well done! You now know how to create the 4 different types of nerd and catch the rare and theoretical Pedigree Nerd. I hope that this will help you in your tasks and the samples serve you well.
Remember: a nerd stops being a person just after it learns about l33t so it is no longer protected by the Geneva Convention.