HowTo:Make Cricket less boring

For generations, the gentlemen's game known as Cricket has been played in Commonwealth countries since the dawn of tea-and-crumpets, on a silver tray in Her Majesty's royal courtyard at Buckingham Palace. That being said, have you noticed that the Royal family are just so out-dated and not with the current times? Every other sport has managed to update itself, and now it is time to do the same for the game of Cricket.

Why does the game need improving?

Every other sport in the world has advanced in some way to make the game better, but Cricket is just as dull and boring as it was the day it was born, comprising live telecasts of endless hours of boredom involving a few men in poofey pads waiting forever for a bowler to finish wiping the ball on his crotch, to run and toss the ball at a couple of sticks while someone with a bat defends it.

Over the years, how many times has the action fallen off so badly that the broadcast cameras lose interest in the game play and pan out to watch distant seagulls fighting over chips? When a sport becomes that boring, it is time to make changes and improve the game.

So how does one improve a game that is like watching grass grow?

Make the game more violent

"Yes! Got Him! Piss Off! You're Out!"

Cricket should become a full-contact blood sport fiesta. Simply put, violence equals money.

Forget the notion of cricketers being role models for your children. Every goodie-two-shoes role model fucks up his career with sex scandals, alcohol or/and drug addictions, and charges of rape. Eventually he murders his wife, and probably can't even do that right but leaves a glove behind. So all of your children's role models will turn sour one day, and your kids will be exposed to the real world.

So, how best to improve the game and make it more exciting, and more violent?

Land mines

After the coin toss, the team batting first should be given six 6 land mines, which it can hide anywhere on the field while the other team is not looking. If the other team cheats and watches where they are being hidden, or has a source give them the locations, then the entire team is executed — which could be broadcast live at dawn on Wired World of Sports.

Strategic placement of the minds will bring viewers more suspense, as they wait to see if a batted ball sets off a mine, or if a fielder running for a catch steps on one and ends up leaving the ground wearing his arsehole for an eye-patch.

Snipers

Each team should also have a sharp-shooting sniper. The sniper is allocated 3 bullets per game to use at any time. He can only shoot a fielder going for a catch, or a batsman making a run. This will make the game more exciting, as a ball hit for a "six" will no longer be a certainty.

Death or Balees

"HOWZATTTTTTTT"

When a bowler manages to bowl out a batsman, the batsman should be given a second chance to remain in the game, by picking up the broken stump and charging with it at the bowler. If he manages to stab the bowler through the heart, he is allowed to remain in the game. The bowler's defense is to run back to his dugout and call out "Balees". However, he is still allowed to be stabbed if he makes it to his dugout and forgets to say the word.

Grenades

Each team is given one grenade each during the course of the event. For test games, make it one grenade per day. The bowler may bowl the grenade at the batter in lieu of the ball. If the batter sustains any injury, such as lost limbs impeding his run, or if death occurs, he is out.

Streakers

Streakers have always been a favorite pastime during Cricket matches. The rules should change to allow and encourage them; and to make them more part of the game, they should have the option to give anyone playing on the field they choose any kind of weaponry of their choice, provided they do not carry the weapons in their hands or use tape or special accessories. They may conceal weapons in any orifice they choose, and drop the weapon anywhere they wish, subject to their own degree of personal control.

The new ashes

The tradition of cremating the stumps into ashes, as a memento for the victors, is passé. It would be better to cremate the entire losing team. This will increase excitement in the game, as they are now not only playing for their club or country but for their lives. There would be no more "dogging it" in Cricket. And, like the ancient Greek solons who were put to death for introducing a bill that the legislature voted down, the constant winnowing of the Cricket herd would improve the quality of those left standing.

Other positive effects of rules changes

An invigorated, testosterone-filled Cricket rulebook would provide that touchstone of American football: "Parity." It bores fans when a certain team dominates the league for year after year, and when only a few teams are always in the top 5 for finals leadership.

The culprit here is superstar teams and individuals. The rules changes penalize prima donna excellent players by making them prime targets for the new gambit of assassination. This will take it back to the old-fashioned days, where people did not know every stat of the wanker out on the pitch — because he has just been called up to replace that poor chap who lost his leg to a land mine. We will likewise be rid of annoying media attention junkies, as no player will want attention called to himself.

If these rules had been brought into play ten years ago, we wouldn't have had to put up with stories of so-called "role models" cheating on their wives, or having a gambling problem. There would be no more headlines about Shane "Poofter Boy" Warne and his birth-control preferences.

It would both put excitement back into the game to see who is a real survivor among the sporting greats, and also rid the world of personal off-field stories no one gives a rat's arse about.

Summary

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Advantages:

• No Shane Warne
• No Team Advantages
• Fair Games
• Everyone Loves Violence

Disadvantages: Check back soon, there may be one or two.