HowTo:Be a surfer
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We've all seen them. They're healthy, happy and surrounded by women. They are surfers.[1] If you're anything like I used to be, you look at these "surfers" and wonder "What does that guy I have that I don't"? Look no further, as my comprehensive guide will teach you everything you need to know to be a surfer.
Lingo[edit]
The easiest part about being a surfer, and quite possibly the most important, is the lingo. When you are out at a party or the mall and talking to girls, sounding like a surfer will will make you much more appealing.[2] Women look for two key qualities in a man, coolness and dumbness. All surfers posses these qualities.[3]
Words to use repeatedly[edit]
There are two key words that should be used as often as possible when speaking: Dude and Like. Sentences which use primarily or only these two words are considered the most surfer-sounding.[4]
- "Dude." Used any time, in any situation.
- "Like, Dude." A more condescending or serious form of "Dude".
- "Dude, that was like, gnarly." "Dude" and "Like" when used with other words.
Words to use in place of other words[edit]
Surfers replace many words with words that are made up, sound cool or occasionally, mean something similar.[5]
- Gnarly adj
- Scary or otherwise bad, however to a surfer, scary is also good.
- Righteous adj
- Awesome or otherwise good.
Words as used by surfers[edit]
Surfers sometimes use ordinary words to talk about surf related items.
- Flat adj
- No waves.
- Swell n
- Waves.
- Closeout n
- A wave that breaks all at once.
Now that you know and understand surf lingo, it is essential to use this lingo. Be sure to talk only about surfing unless absolutely forced to to otherwise.
Hair[edit]
Hair is a key factor in being a surfer. Surfers have one of two hairstyles, long sun-bleached hair or a shaved head.[6]
Long Sun-Bleached Hair[edit]
This option is only available for persons under the age of 14 or persons who already have long hair.
Stop cutting, combing and styling your hair. Rinse your hair with hydrogen peroxide once a week and spend lots of time in the sun.
Shaved Head[edit]
If the long hair option is not available to you, you must shave your head. Immediately.
Clothing[edit]
Clothing is essential, almost as much so as lingo. As a surfer you can purchase clothes from one of two places, the Surf Store or the Thrift Store. Notice I said ONE of two places. This means that you must choose which place to purchase your clothing, and purchase clothing ONLY from the source you choose.
Surf Store[edit]
If you have access to money, eg: credit card(s), parent(s) or girlfriend(s) then this is probably the option for you. Shopping at the Surf Store is easy as you can wear anything from the men's section and still be a surfer.
Thrift Store[edit]
Taking the Thrift Store route has more options and is less expensive than a Surf Store, however it is more complicated. A Thrift Store surfer can technically acquire clothes from anywhere, but can only pay for the clothes if it is from a Thrift Store. This gives you the additional options of dumpster diving and five finger discounts.
When shopping at the thrift store look for anything that a hippie might wear. Shirts with trees or waves on them are an especially good find. If you can't find any shorts, get a few pairs of jeans and cut the legs off below the knees.[7]
Shoes[edit]
Shoes are the really fun part about being a surfer because you have so many options. Wear any color you want. Wear any brand you want. Spend however much you want. Purchase them anywhere you want. As long as they are flip flop, AKA thong sandals, you're good to go! [8]
Recap[edit]
You now know everything you need to be a surfer, the rest is up to you. If you get going now, you can be a surfer within the week. But remember, being a surfer is like being the leader of a cult. Anyone can do it, and it will get you a shit load of pussy.[9]
References[edit]
- ↑ Awesome: Surfers are the most awesome people in the world
- ↑ Communication: Language is essential for talking to people.
- ↑ Women: The myth behind the object.
- ↑ Dude: Background and etymology.
- ↑ Babel: God doesn't want us to understand each other.
- ↑ Hair: Not everyone that has it is a surfer.
- ↑ Hippies: Surfers are basically cleaner versions of hippies.
- ↑ Surfer shoes: The global surfing standard.
- ↑ Charles Manson: The first surfer.