Don't be stupid
I know what you're thinking. "But Momma always said 'Stupid is as stupid does.'" Shut up, don't be stupid. I don't care what your momma says, more than likely she was stupid too, things like that run in your genes. No, not diarrhea, I was talking about stupidity, yeah that's you! Moving On, below is THE - when I capitalize and embolden the word "the" I am implying it is "the one and only", but don't think too hard about it, or you may have an aneurysm, causing blood to shoot out of your nose (which you'd probably think was hysterical) - instructional course on not being stupid. Before you begin reading the following contents, we'd like to remind you that we will not be held responsible for any "stress" felt throughout the duration of the program.
Hello, and welcome to the one and only instructional course on not being stupid. Today we will focus on your incredible stupidity, and attempt to extinguish it. To do this, many steps will have to be taken, so don't be surprised when someone starts yelling at you for no reason that you can perceive. Remember, this is THE instructional course on not being stupid, it is your privilege to be here, not vice-versa. Now sit back and try not to relax, because only stupid people relax.
Step One: Try Shutting Your Mouth for A While
The number one cause of your being stupid is your stupid mouth. To counter this seemingly unopposable force, we are asking that you close your mouth. This should effectively stop the endless stream of stupidity pouring from your lips. However, oftentimes it seems one cannot close one's yammering pie-hole. If you happen to have this problem - which I'm sure you already have judging by the creases on the rims of that horrid opening of yours - try forcing it shut, using your hands and/or feet if necessary. If you still fail to cease talking, we will be kind enough to fetch a muzzle from the local pound. And should that fail, there's always staples, duct tape, and/or poultry twine.
Step Two: Thinking Before You Speak
Congratulations, you've behaved and we've removed the muzzle/sutures/epoxy/eyes from your face. Now, before you get too deep into remembering how to properly operate your jaw, we'll introduce the next step of our program. In life, sometimes the things you say don't always make sense to those who hear them. This problem is usually caused by your knack for saying stupid things before your brain can inform you of the stupidity encoded in the words said. Once again, it's up to you to stop this from happening. So we ask that you count to ten before speaking; the delay may cause you to look somewhat slow, but not any more so than you already do.
Step Three: Lay Off the Booze
Well done! You're one of only 15% of our participants who made it to the third step, even if it was by mere chance. But anyway, since you’re here, you might as well listen to what we say, and we can see just how large the pool of saliva beneath you grows. Now, we want to talk to you about the amount of alcohol you consume on a regular basis. Chances are you drink plenty, because when you were five your parents figured out just how stupid you were, and decided to just leave you at Disney World. Anyway, the amount of alcohol, or any controlled substance for that matter, that you consume is a great factor on how stupidly you act. The more you drink, the stupider you get, as shown by this graph. Just like the saying goes: "Less is more, and more is less." I see I just blew your tiny mind with that. Well, I guess it would help if you had heard it before, but I'm sure if you
think about it long enough umm... ask a friend or family member no... Ah, yes of course! If you happen to receive a brain transplant in the near future, you'll understand it sooner or later.
You Made It!
No fucking way... OH! There you are! Congratulations! You did it, you made it through the entire program! This is truly a momentous occasion; you should go out and enjoy a round of golf, but make sure to wear your golfing helmet, as we don't want that to happen again. Yes, yes, we're all so proud of you, but don't get too excited. Chances are we'll be seeing you again, yes... and maybe you'll remember our names next time. Be sure to fasten your chin strap!