Herod Agrippa
“I'm the Messiah, not that dead Jesus bloke”
“I am on the Worms Diet”
Herod Agrippa ((11 BC - 44 AD), King of the Jews and grandson of Herod the Great kept up the family tradition of being beastly to Jesus and the Christians. Brought up as a clean shaven Roman, Herod went all kosher when he returned home and attempted to recreate his family fortunes.
Early Life[edit]
Herod Agrippa's father Aristobulus IV was killed by Herod the Great in one of his regular family purges. Roman Emperor Augustus offered the boy a chance to grow up and 'be a Roman'. The young Herod grabbed the opportunity with his tiny hands (he was aged then about one at the time) became an honoured guest in Rome. He adopted all the Roman habits to fit in and unless he said anything, no one knew he was a Jewish prince except when it came to gossiping around the bath house. The Romans (like the Greeks) had a dick issue. They thought the 'small and perfectly' formed (as witnessed in their heroic nude images) was perfection. A circumcised cock was weird, on par with the stallion-length ones they believed all barbarian men possessed as a sign of their primitiveness.
Gambling,Whoring and Scheming[edit]
Herod grew up to be something of a looker. Men liked his company and women adored his 'Jewish love making'. He became friends with Emperor Tiberius's son Drusus and perhaps more surprisingly, Claudius 'the idiot', later to become ruler of the empire later. Herod Agrippa showed no great interest in going home to Judea, though he had plenty of Passover invites to come over from his sister Herodias who had married Herod Agrippa's uncle Herod Antipas.
Taking the opportunity to escape a ballooning (red) bank balance, Herod Agrippa headed out East. He met with his brother (another bloody 'Herod') and together they took the opportunity to eat our 'uncle Antipas' and 'sissy Herodias' out of home and palace. Herod Antipas had also invited (i.e. imprisoned) John the Baptist and Herodias's teen daughter Salome. The party got a bit wild, everyone lost their clothes (Salome) and one guy lost his head (John) but otherwise, it had been a successful evening.
Next day Herod Agrippa was chucked out when Herod Antipas and Herodias noticed most of their gold rings and ruby slippers were missing. They naturally blamed him and threatened to cut off his nuts unless he disgorged his gains. Sheepishly Herod Agrippa returned to Rome and decided to look up old friends. He also found a new one, the young Gaius Caesar or 'Caligula' (little booties) to entertain. The young Roman prince listened closely as Herod Agrippa detailed his exploits and made copious wax tablet notes. Word about this got back to Emperor Tiberius who wasn't pleased with this. He had Herod Agrippa thrown in jail - and also received a note from Herod Antipas urging an untimely end to his nephew.
A Lucky Break[edit]
Herod Agrippa's position in Roman society changed when his cell door was opened and in bound Caligula, dressed in a ballet dancer. I'm Emperor and I give you one wish - FREEDOM!!. Herod Agrippa was back in favour. Tiberius had died (via being smothered with a pillow) and his old drinking pal was now the top Roman banana.
With Caligula in a good mood, Herod Agrippa suggested his friend haul in Herod Antipas and Herodias all the way from Judea for 'crimes yet to be decided'. Caligula agreed, though he simply banished Antipas and wife to Gaul rather than anything more bloody. What was good for Herod Agrippa was that he got his uncle's lands in Galilee.
This seemed to Herod a good time to leave Rome. Perhaps he had already got the measure of Caligula and had decided his mate was already nuts. Caligula did offer Herod one of his sisters to 'keep him company' but Herod declined, claiming being married to a religious Jew would be a nightmare for a gentile woman.
Pulling the Right Strings[edit]
Herod's return to Judea was a grand affair. He was an official 'Bestie' of Caligula. This meant every Roman official had to acknowledge his status and this no doubt greatly impressed the Jews to see their masters bowing down to one of them. It was about this time that Herod became convinced that he was 'the one expected', the Messiah who would liberate them from Roman rule. More lands were added to Herod's crop including eventually the key province of Judea itself. This led to the sacking of the Roman governor Pontius Pilate who had on a regular basis indulged in some recreational massacres to show who was boss there. Caligula decided that if anyone was going to be nuts it would be him and sacked Pilate.
Herod now started to hanker for one title that would be important to him. He wanted to be the King of the Jews and he knew only Rome could grant him that honour. So he decided to return back and report to Caligula and perhaps see his old friend Claudius and his very pretty wife Messalina. Herod arrived just in time to see Caligula get turned into a walking colander.
Thinking fast, Herod searched for Claudius and found him a under the protection of the Praetorian guard who were anxious to get their next monthly cheques. Claudius had always been the supporter of the 'elephant party' (Claudius was Republican and a fan of Hannibal) and was therefore reluctant to become the next emperor. Herod basically said 'listen sunshine, take my advice and I will let you know what I want'. Backed up by Messalina, Claudius took the throne and as advised by Herod, executed anyone connected with the plot to kill Caligula. Herod's price? To become King of the Jews and reunite his grandfather's territories as loyal sub-king of the Roman Empire. At least that was the initial promise made.
Messiah Has Returned[edit]
The news that Judea and Jerusalem would once again become Jewish-run and that Herod Agrippa had done brought the crowds and flatterers out. This was the Jewish Messiah returned, the new David as promised in the sacred writings. Even if he had lived most of his life as a Roman lackey and moderniser, Herod certainly looked the part. The Romans naturally didn't understand what all this 'Messiah' business meant but one group of Jews saw this as a direct challenge to their view that Herod was too late. The Messiah had 'been and gone', leaving behind a body of worshippers otherwise known as 'drug takers, party poopers and Christians'.
The Christians had hardly been popular of late. Their leader in Jerusalem, a man called Jimmy Ben Joseph, claimed his brother Joshua ('Jesus Christ' to his close mates and girlfriends) had been the one who had been promised and that there would be no new messiahs. Herod promptly put out arrest warrants for the Christians. The local Jerusalem plod lifted Saint Peter and Saint James but the others got away. Herod had both men tortured by having their faces slapped with wet, scaly fish. Since he had a busy business calendar, Herod opted to have Saint James executed first and then Saint Peter when he returned home from the holiday resort of Caesarea.
Worms Are Not Good For You[edit]
Herod Agrippa's decision to make his 'big announcement' in Caesarea rather than Jerusalem was because he wanted to invite a lot of other kings from other territories in the Roman Empire. And since Jerusalem had a poor reputation for supplying food that wasn't religiously sanctioned, Caesarea was the better option. It was also modern and had the finest entertainments money could buy.
A great gathering was held in the Roman amphitheatre. After a few gladiator fights, lion wrestling and chariot racing, Herod Agrippa (decked out his best Roman clothes) ordered a fanfare of trumpets to mark the start of his speech. Barely had he said I am the One that Was Expected. I am the Mess... when he started choking up maggots and worms. He tried to carry on but then fell over. His guests headed for the exits - all saw this as a very Bad Omen. Herod knew he was dying and sent a sorry note to Claudius. He asked to be forgiven and that his old mucker 'Clau-Clau' to look after his own children Herod Agrippa the Younger and Berenice. And with that Herod died, his body rapidly disappearing into a maggot feast.
Explanations[edit]
The Christians saw Herod Agrippa's death an example of divine wrath. Jesus had bitten back and that no other Jew would claim to be a messiah. This proved to be wrong - there were others that tried this out but failed.