Goat Island

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“On Goat Island, goats do people!”

~ The Master of Random Reversal on Goat Island

A map showing where Goat Island is (not to scale).

Goat Island is a small island in the center of the Niagara Falls. It has a long history and very interesting geographical finds. Today, Goat Island is one hell of a place to vacation at, if you can survive the marauding herds of goats charging at you.


It was an early, frosty day in 1843 when John Irving set out with his companions, Lewis and Clark, to explore the Louisiana Purchase. Heading westward from Boston, the group traversed the New England states, discovering a settlement of Frenchman heretofore unknown living amidst the glaciers of Providence, Rhode Island.

The trio headed towards Albany and discovered an Indian tribe, where the fair Indian maiden Pocahontas lived. The group lucked out, for Pocahontas spoke a whopping 42,037 languages (unfortunately, English wasn’t one of them). After several weeks living among the Navajo tribe of Albany, New York, Lewis and Clark taught Pocahontas English, while Irving had fallen in love with the beautiful princess.

Months passed as the group traveled into the Pennsylvania territory (Pennsylvania did not become a state until 1935), past the steel mines of Pittsburgh and northward towards Niagara Falls. Rumors had passed the ears of the explorers of a torrent of water so fierce that not even the mighty Fenway Salmon could swim over it.

Pocahontas related tales that her Navajo people had heard from captured tribes about the ferocity of the water and the beauty of the land. When the travelers finally made their along Lake Eerie, towards the Niagara river, and finally up towards the falls, they were shocked and awed. John Irving fell almost as much in love with Niagara Falls as he had with Pocahontas. He begged her to marry him, and she relented, because she and Clark had broken up and things were getting a bit weird. Irving and Pocahontas left the exploration party and looked for an area around the Mighty Niagara for which to set up a home. They found a small island a little ways upstream from the waterfall, and decided to build a homestead. Pocahontas, with her l33t language skills, sought out a local tribe with which to trade. She bargained gold and shoes for food, clothing and several farm animals.

Irving had built a modest home that was comfortable for him and his new wife, and he was hoping to start a family. Although, as fate can be cruel, Pocahontas was ripe with syphilis, like most of her family, and was left barren. Irving resigned himself to animal husbandry and decided to breed the farm animals.

Unluckily, Pocahontas lacked the l33t skills to correctly identify the gender of animals, and ended up with four female hens, two male bulls, a hermaphroditic donkey, and only one pair of animals suitable for breeding: goats. Litter after litter of kids were born, while Pocahontas slowly became decrepit and ill. She had contracted pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis and was fading away while her husband sat by her side day and night, willing his wife to return to health. In April of 1849, she died. Irving mourned her with gusto, for several months refusing to even look at his farm animals. The hens died, the bulls ran away and the donkey drowned in the river. Soon, the farm was overrun with goats. Fifty, sixty, the exact amount is unknown and archaeologists have found bones of sixty-one different goats buried under the original barn that Irving had built.

Eventually John Irving emerged from his house, a shell of a man, going mad with the syphilis he had contracted from his wife. He had had enough of the farming life and wished to rejoin his traveling companions who were now in the vicinity of Salt Lake City, Utah (though Irving believed them to be at the bottom of the falls). With his nomadic gear packed, Irving decided that the island on which he lived needed a caretaker. He looked around, but found no other humans to take over his home. Finally, with his brain going and insanity creeping ever further in, he declared the alpha male of the goats Honorary Mayor of the island.

Irving headed downstream but did not find his companions. Sullen and depressed, he returned home. Invading the land he had granted unto the goat, Irving had to do something to re-claim his territory. He whipped his pistol out of his vest and challenged the goat to a duel. Charging at him, the goat knocked Irving into the water where he was carried over the falls and drowned.

To this day, the descendants of the goats are still the rightful owners of the land. Goat Island, now a state park, is the only park in the nation where the land is not owned by the government and lease money must be paid. The amount that is paid yearly to the goats makes up one-twentieth of our national debt.

Geographical Findings[edit]

Over many years, goats coming and passing on that island have rotted into the soil. This process is called goat rotting. After hundreds of cycles of this, the buildup makes the soil a texture that is indescribable, so you'll have to take my word for it.

The soil becomes infertile, but the structures that erupt from it awe those who stand even miles away. The goats couldn't care less; they're goats for God's sake. When geologists came in the night with their fancy helicopters and such, they dragged away a statue that sprouted on the south region of the island. When it was examined under a microscope, the results were incredible: it was made of goat feces! Scientists are still putting the pieces of the puzzle regarding goat rotting together as it is not quite yet understood, but this bridged a major gap.


  • Goat Island was nominated once for "The Island Most Likely to Have Goats on it", but did not make it to the finals after the Bahamas beat it out of the contest.
  • The oldest goat in existence resides on this island: nicknamed Henry, this goat is currently 89 years old.
  • Scientists have no longer attempted to do research on this island after Julian (another goat of the island) mercilessly devoured a researcher who intruded on her breeding grounds.
  • Twice Goat Island has flooded due to the unrelenting erosion of Niagara Falls: both times the goats somehow created an underground tunnel system and stayed there for the duration. To this day it is unknown how the hell this happened.